Soon to be (very) empty nest

[thetall1]

First time post so first off... greetings to all. I've been reading this forum for over a year now trying to learn from others. I've anticipated being in this situation for a while... obviously.

Separated for 7 months now. She filed 3 months ago. One D18. So long story short I'm in the midst of it.

My story isn't as bad as others I've read on here, and I've been doing relatively well mentally with everything up until the last couple of days. I've been focused the last year on making sure the impact to my daughter and her senior year of school is minimized as much as possible. She graduated this past Sunday and last night was Senior Night for her soccer team.

It's all come down on me like a ton of bricks the last couple of days. I did pretty well at the graduation ceremony. I sat way at the front in the bleachers so I could record her walking in and walking across the stage for her diploma. The doors are in the rear so I was one of the last people to exit. She was with the STBX's side of the family taking pictures outside. I could see her head keep turning and looking for me. As soon as I made it out to her she ran from everyone to me and gave me a huge hug. Boy did I lose it... as I'm doing right now typing this and reliving it.

I'm not normally very emotional. I cried first day of kindergarten. I always took her to school and cried the first day she drove herself to school, but nothing like the last couple of days. I held it together most of Sunday after that first hug. During her party I was good until I was alone later that evening. I took the week off from work prior to that to get everything ready for her party. Food, decorations, cleaning, yardwork, smoked 2 pork butts and 2 briskets. I felt the emotion at that time as I was reflecting quite a bit, but I didn't break down. The last couple of days I keep breaking down in tears, can't sleep well etc.

I'm truly happy for her and I love seeing her growing up and becoming her own wonderful person. I can't understand why I'm so sad and emotional right now. I don't know if I've been blocking all the emotion regarding divorce and channelling it into focusing on her and now it's all rolling in? I'm feeling a little lost like I'm not sure of my identity. In my mind my identity has been her daddy. Taking care of her, being with her, supporting her etc. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is right now. I know I'm still going to be supporting her thru college and even after, but not on a daily basis anymore. She's a wonderful sweet kid and I'm gonna miss just being around her everyday and her presence. It's like I'm mourning a part of my life that's ending. I'm truly not sad for her, but rather myself which seems rather selfish. I guess I never fully realized how much I love being her daddy.

Not really sure of the point of this post now that I've typed it out... perhaps I just needed to get it out. Is this normal? Tips on dealing with this emotion and getting myself together after 4 days of crying?

[defaultuser]

Nothing wrong with you. You can't fix normal. In the future, you can look forward to sitting back and watching all your hard work pay off as your kid goes through life. I'm sure if you ask your kid, you'll always be Daddy.

Perhaps you are mourning the death of your marriage.

[jumbledone]

Haven't been there myself, but I have heard of people, still married, who are that emotional when their kids move on to the next phase of their life. As DU noted above, normal feelings amplified by the impending divorce. Normal, not strange.

But I would suggest you check in with a professional. You've lost a lot in a short time (marriage, daughter going off to college, etc.). It wouldn't hurt to find someone to talk with and give you reality checks when you need it. Beer time with friends works as well, just don't completely monopolize the conversation.

[mbxdad]

Sounds completely normal and healthy to me.

(though I admit I got a little teary-eyed thinking about the 2 smoked briskets, and not being invited to the party!!)

Make sure you get enough rest, exercise, eat well, socialize.

Crank up some sappy tunes and have a good cry session if you need it (don't hold it in - it's good to go through that so you can release it and move on to a more positive place).

[thetall1]

Perhaps you are mourning the death of your marriage.

I've been wondering the same thing myself. It just seems odd to me to be mourning now as this started quite awhile ago.

Haven't been there myself, but I have heard of people, still married, who are that emotional when their kids move on to the next phase of their life. As DU noted above, normal feelings amplified by the impending divorce. Normal, not strange.

But I would suggest you check in with a professional. You've lost a lot in a short time (marriage, daughter going off to college, etc.). It wouldn't hurt to find someone to talk with and give you reality checks when you need it. Beer time with friends works as well, just don't completely monopolize the conversation.

I have a couple of really good friends I share with. They've helped me a lot. Actually a married couple that I get different perspectives from. I was seeing a professional before this all started early last year for a few months. She is basically the one that made me realize what was going to happen and that I've gone above and beyond on trying to make her happy. We talked a lot about how it would most likely go and what to be prepared for and how to deal with it. That was over a year ago and it might be a good idea to meet with her again.

I'm working from home today with the kid and had a good old boy/friend of the family over today to check on the A/C. He's 80 years old and we were talking about kids and he told me those feelings don't really change. His youngest girl is in her 40's and he said his girls are still his babies and he still tears up over them.

Sounds completely normal and healthy to me.

(though I admit I got a little teary-eyed thinking about the 2 smoked briskets, and not being invited to the party!!)

Make sure you get enough rest, exercise, eat well, socialize.

Crank up some sappy tunes and have a good cry session if you need it (don't hold it in - it's good to go through that so you can release it and move on to a more positive place).

I've read that advice on here many times and do my best to follow it.

BTW, it was my best brisket ever and was definitely the hit of the party.

[Trevor]

I still get that Dad-allergy in the eyes when I relate certain stories about my kids. Perfectly normal for a person tied deeply and emotionally to his children. I would take that over a parent who was cold as a reptile, like my X and her parents. My niece (X's family) got married this past weekeknd and a friend of mine who went remarked to me how weird it was with that family because of that lack of warmth between family members.

Sure, seek professional help if you are losing sleep regularly and your appetite is unusually low. Otherwise, take it easy on yourself, cry it out when you need to, there is absolutely no shame in that. Anyone who says otherwise is a douchebag.

[thetall1]

Thank you. I appreciate the support. Feeling stronger and better today. Hopefully yesterday talking about it and getting it out is helping. Last soccer game ever tonite so we'll see. Then taking tomorrow afternoon off to take her laptop shopping and put that grad money to use!

Thanks again guys.