Advice for a friend

[helpafriend]

Hi all, hope you are okay with me posting here, this is my deal:

I am a woman in a marriage that is fine, my concern is for a friend, lets call him "Tim"....
Here is the short version...
3 yrs ago he married a woman (let's call her Sally) he had been with for four yrs total at that time- she is 3 yrs older than him and had previously been married.

There were some red-flags from the start:
1. Even though we all got to know her very well, ( Tim is one of my husbands oldest, closest friends) none of use were EVER EVER supposed to let on that we even knew she had been married previously...
I get that some people are private people, and may not want to blab about their intimate details to everyone, but I have never met anyone divorced who is not willing to be pretty open about it and at least acknowledge it... particularly, to those who are supposedly friends

2. He never, and to this day still has not, met anyone in her family, despite the fact that they live in the area

3. She insisted on a VERY stripped down wedding...it literally took place in the living room of the house they had bought together at 10 AM, in jeans and sweaters..my husband officiated and that was the only reason either of us were there...she relented when he pleaded and eventually allowed his sister, mom and uncle to come.
The "ceremony" was maybe 7 minutes...the only reason it wasn't five was because his mom read a poem she had written

Anyhow, they got married in 2009 and she was already pregnant...son was born in September.

In December of 2010, Tim confided in my husband that Sally was acting erratically, going out to happy hour all of the time with co-workers who were much younger ( we are all in our mid-thirties, sally was 36 at the time)

Tim suggested one night they get a baby-sitter and he meet her and her friends downtown so he could meet them ( should add it was both male and female co-workers, not just a ladies night) and they could go to dinner afterwards, and Sally refused

One time she had her 22 yr old co worker call Tim on her behalf and beg for Sally to stay out later, and could Tim please ditch his plans and continue to watch the baby?
Tim also found a series of emails between Sally and a co-worker that certainly implied she was having an affair but could never get evidence beyond that.

About 14 months ago Sally told Tim she was no longer in love with him, but was willing to try to make it work...All he asked was that she remain civil in front of their kid and at home and that she try counseling with him. She did neither. Finally Tim cracked and called it quits two nights ago....this was a VERY hard decsion for him...he is a child of divorce and the one thing he always said he wanted for his son was that he not grow up with split up parents too...

Anyhow Tim wants primary custody...his mom lives two miles away and is totally willing to help...also Sally is clearly not very stable

I'm worried for him though...we advised him to start writing things down and if she fights him on custody to bring up her going out behavior and the emails ( thank God he has a copy he kept)

he says he doesn't want to go there, it would be too ugly...and I get that, and think it's noble and all but unrealistic.

Any advice you all could give about a dad trying to get custody, things to do or not do would be very appreciated...we are his primary source for comfort right now but we are clueless of how to help him...I should add that he lives in Maryland

Thank you!

[Fatheroffour]

My honest opinion is that your friends "nobility" seals his fate. He is hopelessly outclassed by this woman and he most likely doesn't have what it takes to wrench custody from her hands against her will as evidenced by him marrying her in the first place in spite of all the giant red flags.

Get him here and he'll get the advice he needs to reach his goal. The fact that he's not here and you are speaks to his chances of success.

[Chris A]

The fact that this is round 2 for her means that she is way ahead of him. He should come here. His fear of his son growing up in a divided home are real. But without help he could end up rarely seeing his son. If he is not willing to fight all she has to do is move and he could be out of his sons life that quick.

[defaultuser]

If he wants to fight for custody and to not be paying her large sums of money for the next 18 years or so, we can help. He's the one that is going to have to fight, not his friends, not his family.

Its not something that others can do for him.

[Thoughts?]

So maybe I missed it, but did any of his "friends" have the courage to tell him before the wedding that she had been married before?

The fact she dicated the wedding, keeps him isolated from her family and friends, and that he allowed all this to happen, says the first thing he needs to do is grow a spine.

[helpafriend]

Thank you all for your responses....I will tell Tim he should com here himself...
To be clear, Tim knew Sally had been previously married....he told us we should never bring it up or let on that we know

[defaultuser]

You may also want to look up the term BPD, or google 'a shrink for men'