chess game -- NJ/STBX shows up demanding S8

[demurrer]

[Virginia]
nj/stbx and I have no custody/< parenting time > order in place for S8.

S8 was taken by nj/stbx when she bolted from the marital residence earlier this year (I'm a bad guy because I wanted her to help pay a modest portion of the household expenses).

Temporary support order in place. I live in the marital residence and have exclusive use and posession.

I picked up S8 at school on Thursday at 4pm and told her I'd keep him overnight until Saturday at 8pm.

NJ/STBX shows up at the marital residence this evening demanding that I turn S8 over to her -- I didn't. The locks were changed earlier this year and I didn't open the door. After ~1 hour she left.

It was the first time she's been to the marital residence since vacating it ~five (5) months ago.

On Friday there's the risk that nj/stbx will pickup S8 during the school day to deny me another overnight visit. I hope not because I've told nj/stbx I'm taking S8 to basketball try outs Saturday morning.

It's mothers day this weekend and if it were any other weekend I'd keep S8 with me until Monday.

How do I avoid looking like the bad guy in this situation?

How do I use this to show I want to be more than an EoW dad?

What elements in this type of scenario help document that nj/stbx is a control freak?

[Fatheroffour]

You cannot avoid looking like the bad guy. You are just a dad trying to father his child. You've been reasonable and will continue to be so. If someone on the outside sees you as a bad guy, it's a matter of their perspective/opinion and not reality.

How do I use this to show I want to be more than an EoW dad?

I say the actions speak for themselves.

What elements in this type of scenario help document that nj/stbx is a control freak?

Unfortunately, I haven't seen control freak on the list of factors determining custody. In fact, in some places it may help to downplay the fact that the two of you can't get along in order to get a better custody deal because of the idiotic practice of giving the obstructionist controlling mom sole custody if the parents cant agree.

[defaultuser]

You did the right thing. If she takes your kid today and he misses the try-outs, just document it. Nothing else you can do.

In your situation, I'd be taking your kid as much as possible, like at least 80% of the time, regardless of what she says or does.

[Treading Water]

I'd say you need to go back to court and get a temporary custody order set up detailing the possession times. Why wasn't this done when the temp CS order was made?

TW

[demurrer]

Why wasn't this done when the temp CS order was made?

In my jurisdiction temporary < parenting time > and support hearings are done separately. The original path was to get an emergency hearing which can be done here when there's been zero overnight visits.

Support hearing froze nearly all assets and left me without counsel. Now that I'm asserting my parenting role by insisting on (and having) overnight stays with my S8.

One night per week was OK with nj/stbx.
Two nights per week started to cause tension.
Attempting to get and build a history of three nights per week has resulted in clever push back and mud slinging by nj/stbx and opposing counsel.

Three nights per week must be infringing on nj/stbx's plan for continued financial domination.

I now have counsel to carry on with a < parenting time > hearing that the former counsel abandoned.

I'm expecting nj/stbx to offer EoW < parenting time > next week as a starting point -- typical low ball offer that husbands receive. nj/stbx and opposing counsel ignored and rejected previous offers made in Jan, Feb, March, and April. My starting point for negotiations has always been noon Thur to noon Monday and noon Wed to noon Thur. (5 days bi-weekly).

For nj/stbx it's a money game to see how much she can milk out of me by using # of overnight visits to justify a higher share of the marital estate in equitable distribution and spousal support. Same crap that many others here get nailed with.

[demurrer]

[update]
S8 returned to nj/stbx Saturday evening. If it wasn't Mothers Day I would have kept S8 longer. I don't want to be heading into a yet to be scheduled temporary < parenting time > hearing as the bad guy that withheld S8 from nj/stbx on Mothers Day.

Filed police report Sunday at local precinct to document nj/stbx unannounced arrival on property on 5/10 to retrieve S8.

I then went to the court house. The majistrate at court house didn't issue an arrest warrant and told me to call 911 when nj/stbx is at marital home. Also told me I'd need to motion the court for Rule to Show Cause to let the judge decide what to do about the trespassing.

Quotes from my experience:
administrative police officer: "Seems a little late to be filing a complaint now. Do you think your nj/stbx would hesitate to instantly call [the police] if you went to her place unexpectedly?"

Police officer taking the complaint: "I'm going through a divorce too" and "I called the majistrate and he told me that he wouldn't issue an arrest warrant because the litigation is pending".

Lesson learned: call 911 if nj/stbx is violating the court order and let the police figure out if its urgent. Even if you're a big macho guy that doesn't feel threatened with nj/stbx being on the property unannounced claiming she's there to hug and say good night to S8.

The saga continues...