telling S4

[Here_We_Go]

STBX is moving out this week and S4 is starting to ask questions. We are saying that he has two homes now, and he is asking all kinds of questions. the main thing we are trying to do is to not make any of this to be perceived as bad. Any advice is welcome on how and what to tell him.

[defaultuser]

Answer his questions truthfully, but in a way appropriate to his age.

Why don't you like mommy anymore? I will always like your mommy because she gave me the best thing ever... you.

I don't understand why you're not telling him its bad. This isn't a good thing in his life, so sugarcoating it will only go so far. I'm not saying that you should focus on the negative things, but don't act like its a vacation.

I tell my kids when they talk about it 6 years post divorce that I understand that it sucks for them and that they deserve to have a family with a mom and a dad, not separate ones with each parent. I also tell them that they shouldn't let this define them. How they deal with life's challenges will make them who they are.

[Here_We_Go]

I am not telling him it is bad because i do not want to make him sad. When he starts going back and forth and getting used to his new routine, i think he will understand what has happened. STBX thinks it would be good for me to go over to her new place for a little bit and hang out so S4 knows that i know about it and everything is alright.

[Fatheroffour]

"Why can't mommy live here with us?"

"Because we decided this would be the best way. HEY LOOK, it's Spongebob!"

He's 4.

[RC211V]

I wouldn't ever step foot inside her place.

[Here_We_Go]

I am a little reluctant about going to her place.

@ FOF. Yeah that is what we are doing we are not trying to go to deep on the two house thing just wanted to hear what people have been telling/ not telling little ones. I really want to get out a drum and start singing "Ding dong the witch is gone, which old witch the wicked witch..." but that would probably not be too good for S4.

[defaultuser]

I wouldn't ever step foot inside her place.

+1

I am not telling him it is bad because i do not want to make him sad.

I'm not advocating saying that its bad. I'm just not advocating telling him all is well and as it should be. Its divorce. He's going to feel sad. You can either ignore his feelings or help him work through them in a healthy way.

And yes, distraction does work well, but at some point he's going to have to deal with it.

[Fatheroffour]

HWG, my experience has been the kiddos will follow the parents lead. If the two of you can keep the bitterness behind closed doors and project a healthy front, kiddo will adjust just fine.

[Here_We_Go]

That is good to hear, i am sure S4 is more resilient than i give him credit for.

Once i decided i had to get a divorce I felt like it was the "end of the world". Now I really am excited about moving on with my life, and being the best dad. The issue in this post here is really no big deal. S4 will be just fine.

I think you are right about stepping foot inside the realm of nj. I will try to say no nicely and move on down the road.

[RC211V]

Yeah, really don't do it. There is nothing good that can happen for it (kid doesn't need you to make him comfortable there; if his mom can't do it, it doesn't matter anyway) and a lot bad that can happen.

At my kids' mom place I used to go and hang out, in the first weeks after filing. It felt like my place still, I was comfortable there. I fed the kids, put them to bed, stuff like that. It was ok for a while, but it caused problems eventually. So just pretend her place is completely off limits, like a stranger's house. It will help you get the right mindset about her too - she is not your friend.

Nice she is leaving, that is great for you.