Splitting up with a newborn girl

[Luvmydauternothermom]

Hey guys need some advice. Im 27 and have a beautiful daughter with my fiancé (not married) she is 27. Things are not working out and it's looking like we are going to split up. I love my daughter and want to be in her life as much as possible. But because I no longer want to be with my fiancé out of spite she wants to her "the best lawyer" and only allow me to see her every other weekend... Can she do this? I have no priors, I have a good job, and not a unfit father.. Our daughter is only 8 weeks. What is the typical custody agreement for newborns in California. Thanks guys.

[Trevor]

Are you sure it's your child?

[Fatheroffour]

Unfortunately, newborns usually mean a pretty bleak < parenting time > schedule for dad.

Being unmarried, usually there is a legitimation process involved. The number of men forced to financially support kids that are not theirs is high. You should make use of the process to make sure.

[dobradavid]

Just watch Maury.

Unfortunately, newborns usually mean a pretty bleak < parenting time > schedule for dad.

Being unmarried, usually there is a legitimation process involved. The number of men forced to financially support kids that are not theirs is high. You should make use of the process to make sure.

[secondhalf]

When did things start going "South" with your fiance? After the baby was born? Could be post-partum stuff with your fiance? Any way to bring this up as a potential reason for your problems to your fiance without her going balistic on you?

[RC211V]

Calm things down somehow to take a few steps before < edited > goes down.

Get this, $160 and you know for sure - http://www.cvs.com/shop/product-detail/ ... uId=420841

Easier not to have the drama of the fiance knowing you 'don't trust her', so you'll need at least 30 seconds alone with the kid and your fiance not around to swab your daughter's cheek with a q-tip to get a sample.

You'll get the results in a couple days, quick and easy. Don't waste even the time to post saying you know she's your daughter on the chance of paying $x00,000 over the next 18 years. Just do it.

Next, decide what you want to do. Is it you or the fiance that is having the biggest problems? Basically, if you think you can figure stuff out, I would personally encourage you to do your best. My kids were 4 and 2 and although I worked full time and the < female dog > was a stay-at-home-internet-browser, I was much closer to the kids than she was, and that is still the same. But at 8 weeks to a year of age, I don't know how you'd get close to your daughter on a part-time basis, especially with court and drama and all the stuff that is going to go down, and having to fight your way through a < female dog > just to see your kid.

I'm not sure what I'm saying really, 'cause you can just get screwed either way, unless you don't want anything to do with either of them. Or if you want to be a parent but not a partner to your fiance, you're kinda screwed. Or if you want to but she doesn't, it's a bummer too. Maybe just try to keep cool 'til the kid is a bit older, you have some status quo as an involved dad and you know a lot about how to meet your legal goals and protect your fatherhood, and then get away from the fiance.

The last is probably the most prudent option.

[dobradavid]

Use this: https://www.23andme.com

and say you're doing it for the health tracking. The parental DNA is a side benefit you do not need to discuss with her.

Calm things down somehow to take a few steps before < edited > goes down.

Get this, $160 and you know for sure - http://www.cvs.com/shop/product-detail/ ... uId=420841

Easier not to have the drama of the fiance knowing you 'don't trust her', so you'll need at least 30 seconds alone with the kid and your fiance not around to swab your daughter's cheek with a q-tip to get a sample.

You'll get the results in a couple days, quick and easy. Don't waste even the time to post saying you know she's your daughter on the chance of paying $x00,000 over the next 18 years. Just do it.

Next, decide what you want to do. Is it you or the fiance that is having the biggest problems? Basically, if you think you can figure stuff out, I would personally encourage you to do your best. My kids were 4 and 2 and although I worked full time and the < female dog > was a stay-at-home-internet-browser, I was much closer to the kids than she was, and that is still the same. But at 8 weeks to a year of age, I don't know how you'd get close to your daughter on a part-time basis, especially with court and drama and all the stuff that is going to go down, and having to fight your way through a < female dog > just to see your kid.

I'm not sure what I'm saying really, 'cause you can just get screwed either way, unless you don't want anything to do with either of them. Or if you want to be a parent but not a partner to your fiance, you're kinda screwed. Or if you want to but she doesn't, it's a bummer too. Maybe just try to keep cool 'til the kid is a bit older, you have some status quo as an involved dad and you know a lot about how to meet your legal goals and protect your fatherhood, and then get away from the fiance.

The last is probably the most prudent option.

[fathers411]

"out of spite she wants to her "the best lawyer" and only allow me to see her every other weekend... Can she do this? " Yes she can do this. You were never married, therefore the mother has legal custody and can do what she wants. You have no legal rights to your child. This almost the exact situation went through when my son was born.

Are you living under the same roof with her? If you are try to bite your tongue and stay in the house as along as possible. As others have said the first thing you need to do is get a DNA test. I did this with my son. But not so much to make sure he was mine, but more so I was preparing for the day we would wind up in court. I knew sooner or later we would, and that I was probably going to be the one to file. If you are the one to file the mother, if she wants to be a real jerk can show up the first day in court and say that you are not the father. If this happens the court will then order a DNA test, set another court date to read the results, blah blah blah. Basically, it will be more time that drags out that you wont get to see your daughter. If your ex files you wont have this problem, as she is obviously stating in the filings that you are the father.

Because your baby is just a few weeks old you want to put off filing and going through a custody battle for as long as possible. The younger the child is the more advantage the mother has. There is a time span called "the tender years" and basically it means the baby should be with the mother no exceptions. Over the past few years however the courts are not supposed to take into account the tender years anymore. Even though they don't put it down on paper many judges still take them into account. They just can't say it out loud. As your child gets older, things start to shift in the fathers favor. Back to staying under one roof as long as possible. This will give you time to bond with your child and have equal time as the mother. You will also not have to pay any child support either as you are under the same roof. If you absolutely have to move out then you need to start paying her some amount of child support. (Don't give her cash, write her a check with "child support" in the memo) This will probably keep her happy and she will have no reason to go file anything (for now). Remember we are trying to prolong having to go to court for as long as possible. Don't be one of those guys that says, "well the court hasn't set child support so that means I don't have to pay." Trust me when you do wind up in court the Judge will think highly of the fact that you have been paying with out having to be told. Its points for you. If she lets you see your daughter then good. Spend that time with her. Try to get her to agree 50/50 or as close to 50/50 < parenting time > (ease into it slowly thought) as possible and let this go on as long as you can. A couple years if possible. We are trying to set up situation that the child will become accustomed to and the court will be less likely to want to change that if you wind up in there. If the later situation is what happens great. But chance's a slim it will. See the next paragraph for what is most likely to happen.

If you get a new girlfriend do not bring her around when you have your daughter. This will help to keep your ex's blood from boiling and halting all < parenting time >. The time should be just you and your daughter anyway. However, be prepared because once you ex finds out you have a new girl chances are the < parenting time > will stop anyway. If this happens do not stop paying child support what ever you do. You're ex not letting you see your daughter is actually good for you from a custody perspective. Document all of this of course. Continue trying to see you daughter, phone calls, texts and emails. Let her continue to say no. It will be difficult not seeing you daughter but let this drag our for more than six months so you can show a pattern before you file anything. We are painting a picture for the court. You are the good guy paying child support and trying to see your daughter. She is the not so good guy inhibiting you from building a relationship with her. Once you file there are more things to do and decisions that you will have to make to keep the case going in your direction. But that is for another day. First things first.

[jumbledone]

You're ex not letting you see your daughter is actually good for you from a custody perspective. Document all of this of course. Continue trying to see you daughter, phone calls, texts and emails. Let her continue to say no. It will be difficult not seeing you daughter but let this drag our for more than six months so you can show a pattern before you file anything. We are painting a picture for the court. You are the good guy paying child support and trying to see your daughter. She is the not so good guy inhibiting you from building a relationship with her. Once you file there are more things to do and decisions that you will have to make to keep the case going in your direction. But that is for another day. First things first.

You had me until there you stated to be ok with not seeing your kid. Nope. All the rest is good, but you do everything to see your kid. Up to and including calling the police to enforce the parenting time schedule. If nothing else, she now knows you're serious, and it creates a paper trail. Then you call back to the police department and ask for a copy of the report.

[a dad]

If you absolutely have to move out then you need to start paying her some amount of child support. (Don't give her cash, write her a check with "child support" in the memo) This will probably keep her happy and she will have no reason to go file anything (for now). Remember we are trying to prolong having to go to court for as long as possible. Don't be one of those guys that says, "well the court hasn't set child support so that means I don't have to pay." Trust me when you do wind up in court the Judge will think highly of the fact that you have been paying with out having to be told. Its points for you.

IDK about cutting her a check either. Couldn't OP just buy some formula, bottles and onesies and keep the receipts?