Dealing with life w/o boys when they're with their mother

[Chris A]

One thing to be sure to do is take care of yourself. Done all the time killing things I can detail a car better then new. I have a SLK that you can brush your teeth in the reflection Stupid thing I did but now think was a big help in my life. I had my teeth bleached and learned how to smile like I ment it. I know it sounds stupid but I swear when you meet a old friend or any one and you flash a big smile people notice. Ever notice that the popular guys always have a big smile and wide open eyes. Yea read the book how to win friends and influence people. Have to say some of the tips work great. Yea I'm bored today time to wash my car and smile at my girlfriend.

[Bubba Seal]

To me, you kinda have to deprogram you brain from what your schedule was and start a new one.

For about 4 years prior to my initial seperation I was tending to my kids about 75% of the time, when it was suddenly cut in half there was a huge void there.

Im a guitar player and fortunately the guys I had played with for years, decided they wanted to start playing again and approached me, I hadnt played seriously in a few years, so a good amount of time was spent just getting my chops back up to speed.

I also learned I liked to cook, I had cooked for my kids out of necessity, but once the divorce started I cooked these big meals and froze or saved most of them for lunchs ar for late, this turned into a huge cost saving deal for me

I hung out in some bars and learned how to really play pool, had never really done it before, but just to have live company, and be doing something thats what I did.

Anyway, you have to reschedule your life, with and without the kids, sounds simple but its not that simple

Good Luck

I would encourage anyone this close to their divorce from wasting a lot of time on dating sites, just my 2 cents, but I guess thats normal these days, Im more old school and want to kinda watch someone from a distance to see what they are really about before I would get close

[massdaddio]

If you really like being with kids, then join the Big Brother program. I did that after I got the typical eow screw job. It's been fun for me and great for the boys. I have girly daughters, has been fun doing the camping thing, shooting hoops, going to sports events. Around here, the Big Brother program gets many donations of tickets to sports events and they also arrange fun events, so it doesn't end cost me much. The boys without fathers are so grateful to spend some time with a guy.

If you don't want to commit to the Big Brother program, you can also coach your kids' sports teams so you'll see them when its not your time with them or help with school plays or other school events. There are so many groups looking for volunteers.

[Chosen2Dad]

As everyone said, keep busy. I have been in my process for 3 plus months now and it's not any better. Some nights I have found it hard to sleep.

I have continued to look for forums like this for support to take my mind off the stress. I also just joined a fathers' group locally and hoping to attend a meeting.

You're on the right track.

[mcc333]

I think it's more than keeping busy. For some, there are serious concerns of the kids' well being when they are with the NJ - here you need to keep the pressure on the courts, etc. to show the danger and try and minimize. For others, even if NJ is not a danger to the kids, it's about missing the kids. Here you need to resolve yourself that there's nothing more you can do to be with your kids and think about getting things done that you need to. These kids are in grade school right? You don't feel anxiety while they are at school do you? You need to resolve in your mind that the fight is over, the NJ has this time with the kids, and dedicate yourself to your activities without the kids.

[foothills]

I totally understand where you're coming from man. We separated when my S(now 5) was not even 2 years old. I still have my times (which are frequent and regular) when I miss him SO much. Ironically it seems that when he has to go back to his Mom (and her new husband) after our EOW arrangement - it's the worst.

I decided to go back to school, get my teaching certification and become a teacher. I figure this way, my modification (Future modification) will warrant my having more time with him, as my schedule will be in alignment to his (school hours, summer vacation, etc...). I'm currently unemployed (veteran).

I realize this isn't a viable option for everyone....I guess I just want you to know more than anything....it's NOT you...your feelings are quite normal, particularly given you don't have one of those corporate jobs than allow for travel and I assume a salary that provides for a lot of "extra" cashflow to travel, make leisure purchases, etc.

Just hang in there...and at "EVERY" turn seek to spend more time with your kids. Ask for time above and beyond the Order, stay involved as much as HUMANLY possible, get to know daycare providers, school personnel....and be certain that when all is said and done - they know who you are. All of this in preparation for the future (modifications, etc...).

BE THERE.....more than anything....Be There! Be Present! Learn your kids, know their allergies, favorite foods, interests and speak to them in emails; if you notice illness....memorialize your observations in emails (paper-trail)....I think you get my drift.

When the time comes...you want to be able to show your having the pulse of your kiddos lives; your interest and involvement can not be questioned.

Again - Be There!

and HANG IN THERE!

Be encouraged.