Graduation letter to my daughter

[Trevor]

Don't be defensive. Introspection is/should always part of the analysis around life problems. It is perfectly fair to point out that you contributed your part of the relationship with your kid, and it is worthy of some time to think whether you contributed to the problem either directly or in the other person's view. Rarely is half of the relationship responsible for 100% of the corrosion of that relationship. To quote Sgt Hulka...lighten up, Francis.

[massdaddio]

I could write a letter similar to yours. My D19 excluded me from a lot of events in her high school years. At times she was just truly nasty to me, but then always so sweet when she needed something. Her mother has bashed me for years, told the kids many lies. I think D19 and my other kids are starting to get an idea of the truth as they get older. I believe your letter is the truth and I'm sure your ex had huge part in your daughter's behavior. Unless your daughter is truly a rotten person, she will evenutally come around. You can feel good about yourself that you did what was right by your kids.

[defaultuser]

Without knowing better, if I had to guess, she's been kind of brainwashed, or persuaded to treat you like this by your X.

This probably started from an early age, watching mommy be a biatch to daddy even before the divorce. After the divorce, she's watched mommy blame you for all her problems, meanwhile living high on the hog with you funding it.

It would be confusing for any kid at her age. I'm not saying she isn't responsible for her own actions, and my kids aren't old enough for me to understand this dynamic, but I bet she wouldn't act like this if her mother wasn't a huge influence on her outlook and morals.

[Chris A]

I think that you as I do expect them to be more mature at that age and make the correct choices and decisions. I guess things could be a lot worse countless examples could follow but she is graduating shows signs of independence and is looking to the future. My daughters relationship with me is similar but my NJ contributed a lot to that buy her blaming me for all there problems.

One day I pray to set the story straight but until then I just work on building the best relationship I can with my other kids as they will be my best advocate. When she moves out away from mom will be your best shot. Start building your relationship from there. Divorce sucks no way around it.

Perhaps it is time to invite her and her boyfriend out for pizza one night a month. I was doing Monday night pizza with me and another father during football season. The kids were always invited and encouraged to swing by most times they made it but if not we just killed another pitcher it was nice because they knew there was no pressure and they always had fun because I would wait on them by getting there sodas or salads gushing a little. Just letting them know I cared.

[kangaroocourt]

For what it's worth I believe you 100% in what you described. And I'm real sorry, that must be an awful thing to have to deal with. My experience tells me that females are much more vulnerable to the inevitable badmouthing and backbiting that is associated with most divorces.

I do have a success story for you that might give you some hope...
My XW of all people, acted very similar to your daughter towards her father; during the same time period in her life. When she got older (I believe around the age of 25), she had a very strong ephiphany/realization that she was wrong. She apologized to her father and they became very, very close; to which they remain to this very day. My XW is far from perfect, believe me, but in this respect I do admire her- even now I believe the way that she treated her father when she was younger is a source of deep regret to her. Important to note is that she has an incredible amount of respect for her father for never caving in and giving up on her....food for thought.

[capslock]

Jetstream. You posted on a public forum. I was reserved in my psychoanalysis on the first post.

Probably something telling you how proud I am of you and things like that. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it.

Not proud of your daughter?

I have spent most of my adult life providing for you and taking care of you. Giving you baths, feeding you, changing your diapers, playing Santa Clause when you were little, riding you around in the car for hours at night when you were crying and couldn't go to sleep, holding you up in the air like Simba when you were watching the Lion King, rushing you to the hospital when you broke your arm. I built you a playhouse in the backyard. I taught you to ride a bike, swim, and ski

You don't get extra points for doing what any dad is supposed to do, and doing these things does not mean you connected with your daughter. A common mistsake among dads who do not connect with their kids.

I had always looked forward to teaching you to drive but didn't really get to because for some reason you seemed to prefer letting your mother's boyfriend teach you (yeah, that hurt me more than you will ever know).

Sounds like mom connected with her better than you. It happens. You have to work twice as hard to overcome it.

I worked hard and made a good career for myself so you could have a good life and have nice things like your own swimming pool, nice clothes, a nice home, and go to a private school.

Again. Something I alluded to in my original post. Working hard and making a good career "FOR YOURSELF". Providing for a child does not mean you connected with a child.

You never brought _______ over and introduced him to me (your fault).

Again. You are the parent. There is no fault on the part of the child.

Last year I said something to you about you not coming over. You told me it was because you were busy with school and that you would spend time over here during the summer because you wanted to use the pool. I think you came over twice that summer.

Last year? So you said it once and you have been stewing ever since? It doesn't sound like you have tried hard enough.

And let's not forget how I was completely left out of your college selection plans.

Sounds like it is always about you.

Bet I won't be forgotten about when it's time to pay tuition though.

Again. This is what dads do. Provide. It does not earn you a connection with teens.

Do you have any idea how many events in your life I looked forward to from the time you were a child that I have now missed and will never get a chance to do again because you didn't want me in your life and how much it hurts to be left out of them? Friends tell me when you are an adult you will understand and our relationship will be better. I hope they are right but that still won't give me back all the things I missed out on. I feel like I have been robbed of three years of your life that I can never get back. And people wonder why I get bitter and angry.

It's all about you again huh? I will guarantee you she does not think it's all about you.

Maybe you blame me for the divorce I don't know. I know mom told you stuff she never should have. Anyway, if that's the case then you need to let me know and we will talk about it. You might be surprised what you don't know.

Stab in the dark...did you leave the family and move out to get a divorce to focus on career or because you felt you did not diserve to live life unhappy? Hear it often here. If not executed carefully, children will be resentful.

It finally got to the point where the rejection hurt so much I just quit trying.

Again. FAIL. It's not about you dad. It is about your children. If you aren't strong enough to make it through the rough patches in a child's life you will lose their respect and THEY will give up on YOU.

AND THE FINAL HYPOCRISY-

The example you have had set for you and the way you treat me is that a man is someone to be manipulated into giving you what you want. If you continue with that mentality you will have a hard road. A good relationship is not about what you get from another person, it's about what you give.

Do you see the irony in this statement Jetstream???????

[Chris A]

capslock,

You always have words of wisdom. Dads are not perfect kids are not perfect. Yes the OP was posting frustration and he has a right to as do you posting trying to help. I think if he reads some or all these posts he will be able to come to the right decisions. The lord knows I don't have the right answers and we have not walked in his shoes but we all have suffered through the divorce in some way. At this point the best course of action is to be contrite and try to be a part of her life as best he can. Im afraid if this type of letter is sent it will create a end! Too easy for either party to walk away after that.

[capslock]

i'm wrong more than right. being estranged from my father i hoped to give him some insight as to what would have worked for me.

[Trevor]

My XW is far from perfect, believe me, but in this respect I do admire her- even now I believe the way that she treated her father when she was younger is a source of deep regret to her.

Not to highjack, but I wonder if this experience has kept her mouth shut about you to your kids. That would also be important to note.

[Chris A]

i'm wrong more than right. being estranged from my father i hoped to give him some insight as to what would have worked for me.

Dads suck sometimes at relationships as do kids. Not pointing fingers at all cause crap happens if you both gave it a shot it sucks but that's life. Perhaps some day each of you can accept your roll and move on. I have plenty to be upset with my dad over but when we fish together I push that all aside knowing that he won't be here forever. I live by the day though with him.