Mother is a NJ (kinda my fault)

[jumbledone]

So I would like some feedback. Should I get counseling first and then try to get < parenting time > back or do them concurrently? Right now I need a miracle for the mother to even listen to me, so I need to get things striaght in my head.

Concurrently. You need to bond, and it will be easier to not see him again if you stop now. You have a miracle given to you, whether you wanted one or not. Don't give it up.

Also, don't stop your life. Re-enroll in graduate school. Your schedule's going to be tighter than capslock's GF, but you can do it. Life doesn't go on hold because of one thing, continue to live yours, but make sure you continue to live it with your son.

There is a lot of victim coming into your posts, like 'she stole that from me' drivel. Passivity is not a good thing, as it denotes victimhood/powerlessness. As A4H noted, this is your life. Things don't always happen as we plan them, hell, I never thought I'd be going through a divorce. But we can't downplay our own roles in those things happening.

Ya played with fire, even if you thought you were protected, and got burned. Whatever you decide to do with ashes of that fire are up to you. Remember, to keep healthy, nature often burns, then regrows. Use this to become a better version of who you thought you were going to be.

A4H is dead on. Hold that baby. Your child. Assuming you're a human with the normal range of emotions, a bond will form. Its inescapable.

FoF,

We've never been told that the mother is human, so there might be a possibility the boy isn't human with a normal range of emotions...

[lostinFL]

4. Why do you care about the mother "listening" to you? About what? Spend as much time with the child as you can, say not a word to anyone except a businesslike hello and goodbye bookending your parenting time. They do not exist right now except as the ones who live where you go to see your child. Discipline yourself to treat them like the bank teller or the grocery store cashier.

Birth control failed, I take the blame equally on that. But she did have options after the fact, which I wont get into for fear of getting even more flamed.

I have to try to convince the mom to let me the baby again. I haven't been able to get her served yet, so < parenting time > is at her mercy and she is pretty furious with me. I don't know if she'll even reply to any of my texts.

[lostinFL]

Concurrently. You need to bond, and it will be easier to not see him again if you stop now. You have a miracle given to you, whether you wanted one or not. Don't give it up.

It doesn't help that he looks almost identical to her, the only thing he has of mine is my ears...but I can't blame him for that. Maybe he might start to look like me later on, I can only hope

[RC211V]

My boy looks like his mom, I guess, if a person has to compare. She and I have opposite coloring and build, and he has her coloring and build, not mine. So probably nobody would guess he is my kid if there were 10 kids and 10 dads in a lineup. But when I look at my boy, I don't see his mom, I see my boy.

Your baby looks like himself. See him for who he is, not who's egg or sperm he sprouted from.

[jumbledone]

Show up at your regular scheduled time, and continue to do so. Document. Do it with the knowledge you probably won't see Jr., but it looks good that you are still willing to be involved against all odds.

If she is so inclined after dissing you for OOW babyhood, have your mom come along with. I mean, it is her grandchild afterall.

Also, try a meaningful mea culpa:

Dear NJ,

I understand where your concerns are coming from. I want to make sure Jr feels loved and cared for by all of his family, myself included. I've come up with a gameplan to develop more bonding between Jr & myself. I have (mom, aunt, grandma, best friend's girlfriend's best girlfriend's mom) coming with me next time. I will see your mom on Tuesday a 4pm for my normal parenting time.

Thanks for your understanding,

Humbly,

Lost

Someone else can probably put together a better non-admission apology, but you are at her mercy at this point.

Have you thought about a PI to find her? Have you asked her mom? The sooner served, the better you'll be in the long run, because then you'll probably establish some rights at that point.

It doesn't help that he looks almost identical to her, the only thing he has of mine is my ears...but I can't blame him for that. Maybe he might start to look like me later on, I can only hope

And your point is? So what. When she looks at him she thinks he looks like you. I try not to capslock things, but I feel like it right now: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE TO HIS EGG DONOR. HE'S YOURS. LOVE HIM FOR THAT, DON'T HATE HIM BECAUSE OF HIS MOM. If he grows up to have breasts and a small dick, so what?

[lostinFL]

Ok, ok. I have a game plan in my head, just gotta get started on it.

The mother is a NJ but I'm going to have to work around that, I just hope she'll actually let me see the baby again or else I'm going to have to wait til I can get her served (facepalm)...ugh

[dobradavid]

Get a FTDNA test for you and your son...they will provide you with reams of information about your Y-DNA going back 15,000 years. Hard not to feel connected after that.

It doesn't help that he looks almost identical to her, the only thing he has of mine is my ears...but I can't blame him for that. Maybe he might start to look like me later on, I can only hope

[lostinFL]

Communicating with the NJ is a concern. Everything you type will be used against you. In your case, I don't think it can hurt much given where you are now.

Here's Jumbledone's sample letter edited as I may write it in your position. (i figure the more you have the easier you can form your own)

-------
I understand where your concerns are coming from. I appreciate your working with me to see junior and understand for the next 18 years our working together is key for junior. I am dedicated to doing all I can to work with you for him.

I have completed the parenting class, as well as the infant/toddler cpr and first aid class. (these can be done on line tonight. Red Cross is better but you can do one tonight for $29.00)
If it makes you feel better for your mother to stay in the home for the next visit or two I understand. It is difficult to accept that you require parenting time with our son to be supervised, but I will do whatever it takes to spend time with junior. I love him and miss him when I do not get an opportunity to see him.

I will arrive Thursday at 4pm. Thanks for your understanding. I look forward to our working together better going forward for junior.
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BTW- I didn't realize you were married to your son's mom???? You wrote that parenting class is required.

Never married.

In Florida the parenting class is mandatory for divorce with children and paternity actions. Even though I haven't served her yet, the lawyer that it would be best to have it completed as soon as possible.

Thank for the example, I think I will paraphrase and send it out tomorrow. Wish me luck!

[jerico08]

Your getting towards the right mindset now.

BTW, where is the mother? In hiding from you or living with another guy? I would consider hiring a PI to find this out. (my hunch she is living with another guy) I would at least file to get some temp orders in place rather than rely on NJ controlling your parenting time.