Mother is a NJ (kinda my fault)

[lostinFL]

Are you mad at the mother because she had the baby when you did not want the baby?
One day you will realize- blessings come when they come. Maybe you weren't ready to be a dad now. But you know what? There are lots of people that waited and then never got the chance. That son of yours is going to be the best thing that ever happens in your life. One day you will see it and wish you had every second back.
You have accomplished the meaning of life. Wait till he looks at you and says I love you daddy.

Anyway- proud of you dude. I will let the pros advise on how to get help.

I had my life on course before I met the mother, I had a good job and was going to graduate school. Then 3 months into our relationship...BOOM... she gets pregnant. I wanted to be married and have my life together and I centainly didn't want her as the mother of my first child. She stole that from me.

I know, I know it's not my son's fault but I had to stop going to graduate school because I had too much stress going on, and it's look like half of my paycheck is going to be going to daycare and child support. Right now my family is disappointed in me for having a baby out of wedlock, they expected so much more from me. I know I need to get my sh*t together or things are going to go downhill fast, and I will be paying half my pay check to a kid I won't even be able to see. I have to stop trying to hurt the mother through the way I react to the baby, cause the only person who is going to get hurt is him.

So I would like some feedback. Should I get counseling first and then try to get < parenting time > back or do them concurrently? Right now I need a miracle for the mother to even listen to me, so I need to get things striaght in my head.

[lostinFL]

There is no substitute for your touch. When you are with your baby, don't put him down. Hold him as much as possible. Feel and enjoy the skin to skin contact. Kiss his hands, let him grab at your nose, let him smell, taste, slobber on you. Tickle his toes, talk in a low soothing voice.

I think I am going to have to get that drilled in my head.

Thank you guys for being there each time I slide back.

[Anything4Her]

BOOM... she gets pregnant.

Frankly, unless she did it absolutely on purpose, you have no justification for your anger. Anyway, it's irrelevant to the relationship with your son.

Should I get counseling first and then try to get < parenting time > back or do them concurrently?

Don't give up time with your son. There is no magic test you can take that will tell you that you are now a good Dad. Concurrently is the answer.

Wait till he looks at you and says I love you daddy.

You will melt, take it from us. There is no better feeling than little arms around your neck.

Thank you guys for being there each time I slide back.

I'm very impressed that you've taken all the negative comments so well. It speaks well of your intelligence and maturity.
We all need a slap upside the head occasionally.

[Fatheroffour]

Go get 'em, dad.

A4H is dead on. Hold that baby. Your child. Assuming you're a human with the normal range of emotions, a bond will form. Its inescapable.

[Trevor]

1. How can you say she stole that from you, dude? Did she lie to you about her being on some kind of birth control to trap you into marriage? Or did you engage in risky sexual behavior because getting laid now was more important than saving yourself (and your seed) for the One with whom you envisioned breeding your offspring? [Rhet.]

2. If your family is disappointed in you now, and isn't MORE disappointed that you are having issues about being actively engaged in your child's life, then screw them, you don't need their rubbish. You are a Dad now, whether they like it or not, and if they want to support your efforts along that line, and be in the kid's life too, then great, but if not, they are opting out of your life too. You are, from now on, a package deal. And I promise if you open your mind to that, you will find a happiness you've never felt before.

3. Counseling should be concurrent with spending time with the baby. That baby is the most important thing (go back and read the other thread again if that message is fading in your head).

4. Why do you care about the mother "listening" to you? About what? Spend as much time with the child as you can, say not a word to anyone except a businesslike hello and goodbye bookending your parenting time. They do not exist right now except as the ones who live where you go to see your child. Discipline yourself to treat them like the bank teller or the grocery store cashier.

[jumbledone]

So I would like some feedback. Should I get counseling first and then try to get < parenting time > back or do them concurrently? Right now I need a miracle for the mother to even listen to me, so I need to get things striaght in my head.

Concurrently. You need to bond, and it will be easier to not see him again if you stop now. You have a miracle given to you, whether you wanted one or not. Don't give it up.

Also, don't stop your life. Re-enroll in graduate school. Your schedule's going to be tighter than capslock's GF, but you can do it. Life doesn't go on hold because of one thing, continue to live yours, but make sure you continue to live it with your son.

There is a lot of victim coming into your posts, like 'she stole that from me' drivel. Passivity is not a good thing, as it denotes victimhood/powerlessness. As A4H noted, this is your life. Things don't always happen as we plan them, hell, I never thought I'd be going through a divorce. But we can't downplay our own roles in those things happening.

Ya played with fire, even if you thought you were protected, and got burned. Whatever you decide to do with ashes of that fire are up to you. Remember, to keep healthy, nature often burns, then regrows. Use this to become a better version of who you thought you were going to be.

A4H is dead on. Hold that baby. Your child. Assuming you're a human with the normal range of emotions, a bond will form. Its inescapable.

FoF,

We've never been told that the mother is human, so there might be a possibility the boy isn't human with a normal range of emotions...

[lostinFL]

4. Why do you care about the mother "listening" to you? About what? Spend as much time with the child as you can, say not a word to anyone except a businesslike hello and goodbye bookending your parenting time. They do not exist right now except as the ones who live where you go to see your child. Discipline yourself to treat them like the bank teller or the grocery store cashier.

Birth control failed, I take the blame equally on that. But she did have options after the fact, which I wont get into for fear of getting even more flamed.

I have to try to convince the mom to let me the baby again. I haven't been able to get her served yet, so < parenting time > is at her mercy and she is pretty furious with me. I don't know if she'll even reply to any of my texts.

[capslock]

OK. You lost me again.
Kind of.

Stuff happens in life. That boy is a blessing. There's two sides to every coin. He will be grown and out of the house before you get a beer belly. You're loving that.
I am middle aged with a toddler. I pray I will be there for my son when he is 35.


You got mom pregnant. She didn't ruin your life. You didn't ruin your life. YOU need to ensure you don't ruin your baby's life by seeing him as a burden or using him. Forget your parents. I would say that they have taught you wrong. I hope they have embraced their grand child and if they haven't well that's terrible.
You will see in 10 years that though most want a picture perfect family, half of your classmates will be divorced. We don't dream of splintered families but it happens and you will survive and thrive.


If you want 50/50 so you can make out better financially, that's an understandable thought, but not a good reason to pursue it.

Sounds like you should start by going to your (or a) church and talking to the priest about what is important in life. You have your health, a degree, and now a baby boy. Livin the dream dude. Wait till times really get tough. Then what are you going to do?
You will adjust to the financial obligation and hopefully you will see that a healthy child is worth all the money in the world.

[lostinFL]

Concurrently. You need to bond, and it will be easier to not see him again if you stop now. You have a miracle given to you, whether you wanted one or not. Don't give it up.

It doesn't help that he looks almost identical to her, the only thing he has of mine is my ears...but I can't blame him for that. Maybe he might start to look like me later on, I can only hope

[RC211V]

My boy looks like his mom, I guess, if a person has to compare. She and I have opposite coloring and build, and he has her coloring and build, not mine. So probably nobody would guess he is my kid if there were 10 kids and 10 dads in a lineup. But when I look at my boy, I don't see his mom, I see my boy.

Your baby looks like himself. See him for who he is, not who's egg or sperm he sprouted from.