Wife took 3 kids & left out of state for another man

[armedforcesguy]

Hi. My wife took our 3 kids and left CO to go live with her ex-fiance from 14 years ago. She told me she was going on a short visit but disappeared and moved in this guy's house and now seeking divorce. I had to find her myself. She wouldn't tell me where she is and her friends would stonewall me. I had to fly to Seattle, get a rental and drive until I found her with this man at his work place. She blocks her #, hides her whereabouts and doesn't let me see my kids. I am a member of the armed forces and I can't leave easily to see my kids and when I can it costs me $1,500 if I want to see my kids for 4 days. I can't afford to see my kids. She demands I send her money every week, which I do (for my kid's sake). Kids tell me they hate being there and that their mom spanks them when they say that new guy is not their dad. She is allowing the new guy to let them shoot BB guns, including my 2 yr old son. I have no way to stop them from getting spanked or from doing dangerous things. She makes the kids lie to me about where they are what they are doing. She is telling everyone I am gay. She's forwarding to her friends my private emails I wrote to her. She wants to take the kids but the kids don't want to be there. I don't know what to do. She says I'm just a man, I pay bills and I don't need to see them. I make $4,200 a month after taxes and I send her $1,200 a month. I had to move in with friends. I have all our bills to pay for still and I simply have no money left to go see my kids. It's an impossible situation. I feel so hopeless. I can't barely function because I love my babies so much and I miss them dearly - it's very incapacitating. I am trying so hard to remain peaceful with her and work something out but I don't think she is reasonable enough to come to an agreement. I want equal parenting time and custody. She thinks I should have them for 2 weeks and she should get them for 6. I want to raise my kids, not be a weekend fun friend for them. I want to continue to pour my heart and my life into them. I don't want things to get nasty between us and work something out with her but I am losing hope each day and every time I speak to her and she's so mean to me. Any advice? (other than, "call an attorney now", which I am going to be doing soon). I don't understand how she can unilaterally act like this and inflict this kind of emotional trauma on the kids and myself. My kids love me so much, they cry on the phone. They beg me to bring them back home. It's so gut wrenching. I want to stop her from doing this. Any thoughts? Thank you so much!

[BartSimpson]

Damn sure we can help you fix things with the kids. We're going to need some specifics.

Why are you sending her any money - is there any court order at this time?

[armedforcesguy]

No court order, nothing. She left March 23rd. Told me she's in love with another man now on April 19. I have been sending her money because my kids need food. I love them and I care about them regardless of how their mother is treating me. And I am sending her money as a "peace offering", to show her I don't want a nasty divorce. No one wins. I care only about my kids. I can deal with the hurt. It'll get better in time but they kids are young and they don't understand.

The new guy is a mechanic and apparently doesn't make much. So she told me today she wants me to pay her $2,000 a month for the 3 kids, plus $800/mo for their college fund, plus a few hundred dollars to compensate for increase in this guy's monthly food budget, plus a few hundred dollars more for them to move into a 3 bedroom house because the 2 bedroom they are in is too small for him, her and three kids. Says he shouldn't have to support her kids she's bringing in to their "future" marriage.

to make matters worse, prior to her leaving me, she knew I am getting a job in DC and that I will have a rather large income (which in DC is just average) and she wants me to pay $2,000 in airfare to fly the kids back and forth if I want to see them - ever. So that comes to about $5,500 a month for me to continue to be a dad in their lives - simply because she decided she wants to marry this guy now. This only leaves me with $3,500 to live on, in DC!! I can't live in Denver for that much money, let alone in DC where cost of living is 44% higher than in Denver.

She is voluntarily unemployed. Used to teach. She refuses to work and just wants to be a stay at home mom. She wants her new "husband-to-be" to not have to spend a dime on her kids. She is just worried her life won't be the same because the dude makes little money. She wants me to subsidize her new life.

[BartSimpson]

First off, we don't give a flying effe what she wants - and neither should you.

You want the kids returned to the marital home - if she can't afford to feed them then all the more reason. This requires filing a Divorce, and you want to do that in your state (however Colorado does suck - worst state to divorce). She needs to defend her actions on your home turf with the kids back home. And considering what she has done, you have a very good case.

You shouldn't be giving her a freaken' penny. Tough luck for the other guy if he has to support her butt. He doesn't matter and her relationship with him won't last a year.

[Thoughts?]

Bart gives some good advice above. You should listen. Her desires don't mean anything. Your taking a job in DC complicates the pictures, as if she had simply moved, you could make her pay the transport back home. But you need to get her to return the kids to the marital home immediately. Also, since no court action is pending, you need to file something immediately, like a divorce petition, so you can use that as a mechanism to get the court to order her return & access to the children.

Sorry if I missed this -- but how far did she take the kids -- out of state?

[armedforcesguy]

I agree. I need to get something started. I VERY MUCH appreciate the feedback. She took the kids to Washington State.

She said she's going to visit with friends. I dropped them off at Denver airport, I found out later the dude picked them up in Seattle and took them to his home.

But if she returns, will I have to setup a new home for her? I was forced to vacate our rental town home yesterday because I can no longer afford the rent due to having to pay her and also needing to visit the kids in WA which costs so much money.

[armedforcesguy]

Thank you Bart. I need to maybe stop being so naive and start showing some teeth. I've always been a peacemaker and this is so counter-intuitive for me.

First off, we don't give a flying effe what she wants - and neither should you.

You want the kids returned to the marital home - if she can't afford to feed them then all the more reason. This requires filing a Divorce, and you want to do that in your state (however Colorado does suck - worst state to divorce). She needs to defend her actions on your home turf with the kids back home. And considering what she has done, you have a very good case.

You shouldn't be giving her a freaken' penny. Tough luck for the other guy if he has to support her butt. He doesn't matter and her relationship with him won't last a year.

[stb_divorced]

time to play hardball. don't pay her a dime.

[BartSimpson]

Visit the kids in Washington? Just go pick them up - its perfectly legal because they are Your kids, too. Just as much - you know, equally?

Want to know the truth? There's a guy in Seattle who is crying himself to sleep at night thinking "what the hell did I do?". His little cupcake came with a lot more baggage than he ever imagined - WTF, three young kids - and his family is embarrassed, he's getting grief at work for all the issues. He'd tell you in a heartbeat that it looked a lot better back on Facebook.

Dude would likely pay for the kids plane tickets himself right about now.

[Fatheroffour]

But if she returns, will I have to setup a new home for her?

That you would ask such a question shows that you have some massive retraining to do in the way you think. Why on earth would you 'have' to set up a new home for her?[Rhet}

You should review the links in my signature and work on changing your mindset from how you should have to bow and cater to her to one of how you will drop her down an empty well ( figuratively, sorta) if she is going to try and strip you of your fatherhood.