Just got a proposed agreed custody judgement. argh! help!

[james34]

I first of all want to sincerely thank you all for helping me and shedding light on this issue from the last post. Definitely took everyone's advice. I got this letter from the children's attorney (which has definitely taken the side of the mother) from my lawyer today. Some of it seems kinda fishy to me but if you all would comment I'd appreciate it so much since I think I may be reading too much into it

I posted before here if anyone needs background viewtopic.php?f=7&t=44480 I have sole custody of my teen boys (aged 14, 16). Their mother and I have been separated for over 3 years and have yet finalized the divorce. < parenting time > was set up at the time of our separation. I had to have a restraining order against her for a year at the set of our separation, as she was being irrational and a danger to the boys in some occasions O_o.

She has not provided any support for the boys financially, does not follow the < parenting time > that was originally set up. But has told her lawyer that I was the one influencing the boys not to see her.

The thing is, when we filed for divorce, she filed before me in a court that was not handling the restraining order so as of now, the children's attorney and her attorney know nothing of the countless paperwork of her misconduct. (just more info)..........

----*ok that background is over*---

Today I received a lengthy letter from my lawyer from the children's attorney that says "final agreed custody judgement" with a letter stating if i agree to sign or to suggest changes.
It says I shall have sole care, custody and control over minor children as well as responsibility for major decisions and tons of other points.

Some points make no sense nor I agree with, the < parenting time > times seem nuts, It says Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 4pm -8pm and Saturday 10am-3pm every week. Splitting winter break and spring break every other year and in the summer one week of uninterrupted parenting time.

What I do not like about this is that it says "each parent shall be responsible for driving the children to routine activies that the children are enrolled in, but such activities shall not disproportionately interfere with the non-scheduling parent's parenting times. Father shall not schedule activities that fall solely on mother's parenting time without her consent. It also says father and mother agree that each of them shall have principle authority and responsibility for daily and ordinary supervision/care for the children when they are with each parent.

I must say again, the boys are extremely involved school due to basketball and their traveling aau team (I help coach), and do excellent in school. They are working hard to get a scholarship for college and I'm about 100% sure they can do it with focus. I've communicated with them in seeing their mother whenever they want or talk to her whenever they want but they just don't want to. Other than basketball in their spare time they rather hang out with friends go to movies and mall. She has a 1 bedroom apartment in the city, there is no way she can accommodate them to spend that much time with them anyway, and they are not going to like that at all since they already don't.

What can I do? I honestly feel this whole ordeal is just to frustrate me, I can't in no way shape or form force these teenagers to see their mother 4 times out the week, when they have practice and other things they have worked very hard for and committed themselves to.

The document also does not say anything in regards to their wants or needs or anything of financial support from her. And says "mother shall have such liberal and reasonable < parenting time > but in any event she shall have specific < parenting time > with the children as follows which is the whole monday, wednesday, thursday, saturday deal. It is very one-sided and does not hold her liable for anything. If this was the other way around maan! this sure would be way different SMH.

Not sure what to do, my lawyer wants to know my position, any advice is greatly appreciated on how I should respond.. I want this over asap!

Thanks,
J

[massdaddio]

Reply that her proposal does not work with the boys' extracurricular activity schedule. Do the boys see their mother at all now? If they do, then propose that the status quo be maintained and the current schedule be used. She can't expect to suddenly change a 3 year old schedule, especially with teenagers. Would you boys be willing to have dinner with her a couple of nights/week? If they have no interest in seeing her at all, then it's going to get a lot more complicated.

[Fatheroffour]

She doesn't take the time already defined?

My position would be that no change is warranted and no significant change in circumstances has occurred.

Should she win, against the wishes of two mid teens, all she wins is an enforcement nightmare and not much else.

[james34]

She doesn't take the time already defined?

My position would be that no change is warranted and no significant change in circumstances has occurred.

Should she win, against the wishes of two mid teens, all she wins is an enforcement nightmare and not much else.

enforcement nightmare? can you explain?
Bottom line I think what is worrying me is, will the judge force the boys to see her? Due to the nightmare from the onset of the whole divorce they just rather not see her. Would they perhaps go out to dinner with her now and then, if I kinda edge them to do it, Yes. Would they jump for joy about it, no. LOL

[Fatheroffour]

If the boys don't want to go, how will a judge force them?

I have some experience with judges and willful teens. The judge can make it uncomfortable for the parents but that doesn't do much to motivate the teen.

What is mom going to do with two teenagers that don't want to be there? I'll tell you. She will quickly tire of the battle.

I understand your concern but I think you are thinking too hard about it. At the end of the day, mom will have to own her relationship with the boys. If she desires to force them to miss their beloved sports to sit on her couch and watch Lifetime movies with her Its not going to go how she plans.

The truth is that your boys can give the judge the finger and tell him "I'm not going to do what you say." And the judge has no recourse.

[james34]

If the boys don't want to go, how will a judge force them?

I have some experience with judges and willful teens. The judge can make it uncomfortable for the parents but that doesn't do much to motivate the teen.

What is mom going to do with two teenagers that don't want to be there? I'll tell you. She will quickly tire of the battle.

I understand your concern but I think you are thinking too hard about it. At the end of the day, mom will have to own her relationship with the boys. If she desires to force them to miss their beloved sports to sit on her couch and watch Lifetime movies with her Its not going to go how she plans.

The truth is that your boys can give the judge the finger and tell him "I'm not going to do what you say." And the judge has no recourse.

----
Understood bro! And I really do think that will happen if she pulls a bogus move like that. The crazy thing is about the BM, is...all she has to do is be NICE and CIVIL and she'd and I'd help, but all this bury me in the dirt stuff makes me get into defense mode lol smh. But oh well.

One question about the holiday paret. (going through this paperwork ) As a family we have never been big on celebrating holidays (my family lives way down south etc..) so we've always just been around friends etc. plus the boys have basketball holiday tournaments which is a major priority to them and their continuous development, so of course she is also putting holiday < parenting time > time in the even years, so what you suggest about this as well?

thanks again i'm makin notes on this custody agreement as you all are sending me messages, i'm all fired up! thanks

[secondhalf]

but such activities shall not disproportionately interfere with the non-scheduling parent's parenting times. Father shall not schedule activities that fall solely on mother's parenting time without her consent

Note a couple of the "catch" terms.

disproportionately: Meaning a Monday, Wednesday, Friday every week practice should be fine assuming every other week custody. But, an every Wednesday practice only on one parent's time would not be fine.

fall solely: Again the same as disproportionaly statement.

I would definately argue with "Father shall not".... Instead "Parents shall not".

Again, as previously stated controlling teens with such "garbage" rules about extracurricular activities is really a waste of paper.

[Anything4Her]

She has not provided any support for the boys financially, does not follow the < parenting time > that was originally set up.

Your position is that she should be paying child support and following the original agreed < parenting time >. Why should she get more time when she is not exercising what she has? Raise her risks and see if she becomes more flexible.

[james34]

but such activities shall not disproportionately interfere with the non-scheduling parent's parenting times. Father shall not schedule activities that fall solely on mother's parenting time without her consent

Note a couple of the "catch" terms.

disproportionately: Meaning a Monday, Wednesday, Friday every week practice should be fine assuming every other week custody. But, an every Wednesday practice only on one parent's time would not be fine.

fall solely: Again the same as disproportionaly statement.

I would definately argue with "Father shall not".... Instead "Parents shall not".

Again, as previously stated controlling teens with such "garbage" rules about extracurricular activities is really a waste of paper.

----

THANKS! I made note of that, they do sound like catch terms. I'm going to address that part on my revisions as well thanks!
Another part of this. I had a question
5. Both parents shall refrain from using corporal punishment and shall not allow any other person to use corporal punishment as a means of punishing the children.

I understand states have laws etc on this. But for the whole time we've been married (19) I have always decided for the boys what punishments they receive if in fact it is needed. Which has been always agreed upon. Just don't know if this legally has to stay this way? or should it be put that any punishments should be decided by the father, considering in says in III. I have responsibility for major decisions and sole care, custody and control over minor children.

[Fatheroffour]

Corporal punishment of teens is kind of a moot point, isn't it?