Work at Home Dad: Custody?

[mrtscott]

My wife and I are heading to divorce in NY. She is super confident about the outcome and punitive by nature; she will be awarded Joint Residential Custody and I will have < parenting time > for dinner 1 day per week (no sleepovers) and sleepovers alternating weekends. She is convinced the law was written for her and sees no reason to be flexible.. I am scared to death about this possibility. I believe that the best interests of my children, boys who are 9 and 8, would be served by an equal co-parenting arrangement that is close to 50/50. I believe this is just and best and it just astonishes me the law provides for anything less. My attorney suggests I fight for residential custody. This promises to be a fight to the death for many reasons surrounding finances (i.e. child support) and personalities. My situation is somewhat unusual, I hope, in that I work at home full time, I have an amazing balance of work and family time. My wife leaves early in the morning and returns from work late afternoon. As a Registered Nurse, she works some rotating shifts that have her working occassional evenings and alternating weekend. I get the kids off to school everyday, pick them up from school, do homework, etc, all before mom returns. Additionally, my younger son has special needs since he has a form of Autism. There is constant interaction with the classroom teacher, school psychologist, principal, therapists, neurologist, psychiatrist, etc. I can honestly say my wife has no involvement in any the special care. Of course, she does participate in other aspects of primary care, like laundry and meals. However, on the day to day and the special needs, I am a strong parent. Lately I've been feeling more hopeful. In a perfect world I would be granted Joint Residential Custody so that I can setup a nice comfortable home for me and the boys. I would voluntarily waive child support (I earn 6 digits) and give my wife 50 % parenting time...as God intends it to be. Question: Is this fantasy land? Do I stand a chance?

[Fatheroffour]

Just a suggestion.

You need to project confidence that as a stay at home dad, mommy will be the one visiting every other weekend. You have a good case.

ALso, IMO< forget the 50/50. She is already wanting to minimize your role in your kids lives. That rules out 50/50 for her as far as you are concerned. If you do not get at least 51% and are the one in control you will regret it. A lot.


You have a good chance.

[Anything4Her]

Your wife is in for a shock. As soon as she finds out that her expectations are fantasy, she will search for ways to achieve her goal of making you an absent wallet. The best move for that is a false domestic violence accusation. You need to start recording whenever you are around her.

You are in a great position. Journal/document your daily activities with your children.

[CCR]

"The best move for that is a false domestic violence accusation. You need to start recording whenever you are around her."

The OP needs an attorney yesterday.

He's the primary parent!

Mommy's gonna do just what it says above when she finds out she's gotta pay! Count on it.

[mrtscott]

Interestingly, I don't think my wife fully appreciates her challenge ahead. She knows that our family situation is atypical, but strongly believes the law recognizes the mother as superior. She has told time and again "I am not a crack < edited >, I am a registered nurse, and you (me) need to get it through your head that I will get custody". I am also sensing increasing desperation to separate me from the kids. Our family home is in her name alone....she is now threatening to sell the house so she can setup a new residence without me. So devious and telling...she would turn her her childrens' lives upside down for the sole purpose of alienating them from their father. I have a voice activated recorder that runs 24/7. I do not keep a journal...need to begin. I guess I just don't fully believe that a father stands a chance. Its very encouraging to get the feedback.

[Fatheroffour]

I guess I just don't fully believe that a father stands a chance

I won custody of a 4 young children from a stay at home mother with no identifiable history of crime, drugs or mental illness. It can be done.

You are in as good of a position as a father can get.

[Anything4Her]

strongly believes the law recognizes the mother as superior.

Your wife is ignorant in this area, as are you. It's time to get yourself educated.

Under the law, the sexes are equal. The problem lies with many judges who typically favor the female. That is changing, but it *is* a factor. However, with massive amounts of evidence showing that you have been the primary parent, you have a great change to secure primary custody. As I said before, assemble your evidence.

Our family home is in her name alone....she is now threatening to sell the house so she can setup a new residence without me.

It doesn't matter who's name it is in. If it was purchased after the marriage, it is community property and she will need your permission to sell it and you will be splitting the equity. You need a lawyer, yesterday.

I have a voice activated recorder that runs 24/7.

Excellent!! Keep all recordings archived. There are various free cloud services that you can use.

You are lucky you found this forum. Now get a lawyer.

A4H

[hoosier_dad]

Interestingly, I don't think my wife fully appreciates her challenge ahead. She knows that our family situation is atypical, but strongly believes the law recognizes the mother as superior. She has told time and again "I am not a crack < edited >, I am a registered nurse, and you (me) need to get it through your head that I will get custody".

Having her continue to think that she has a slam dunk case is a good position to be in for you, so don't make any attempts to change that perception. On paper you are in a good position, the challenge is demonstrating that via evidence in court. Journaling will help with that.

Make sure the voice activated recorder stays on your body at all times.

[Bubba Seal]

To the OP after reading your post I think you have as good a chance as any post ive seen on here in a long time at getting full custody, dont sell yourself short.

But take the advice here and start working on this with an attorney, dont let her know what your doing, nothing, just keep being the great dad you are. Your damn right she wants to sell the home and get the kids with her, shes obviously been talking to some legal advice and is starting the groundwork for her side of things, you need to get busy ASAP.

Good Luck

[Thermite]

You do sound like you have a solid position here for primary custody. You are already doing all the primary parenting stuff, and have a flexible schedule that lets you do so, while your wife has unpredictable hours. Take a look at this list of factors my state uses to determine who the primary caregiver is. See how many apply to you, and think about which ones your wife wouldn't know: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=39880&hilit=primary+questions

I agree with Hoosier Dad above, and would even take it a step further, personally. Your wife thinks she'll just be able to walk into the court room and tell the judge her story, and get custody. Think strategically- use this to your advantage! Do not hint that she's in for a fight, and in fact, even drop subtle hints to her that you think she's right, and that you're at her mercy. That's what I did, and it worked out well in my case. My ex felt so confident, that she didn't prepare. She felt confident enough to do whatever she wanted- spending more time with Mr. Wonderful, partying, working, NOT taking care of our daughter, and so she never bothered to really study the law and learn how much these things were hurting her case. She didn't bother really strategizing with her lawyer. Meanwhile, I did everthing to improve my position and document it, while letting her think I was a whipped puppy. When we got to the courthouse and her lawyer saw my foot-thick stack of evidence, and learned the real story, she folded. She conceded primary custody to me without a trial.

You have a golden opportunity here- it's great that you found this site now. Learn all you can, document, strategize, let your wife live in her fantasy land, consult lawyers, and learn the factors your state ususes to determine custody, and keep all this absolutely hidden from your wife.