Suggestions for Daddy Scholarship Terms

[harleydad]

great ideas......
Thoughts? how is this going for you?
After all my drama..........D18 has finally just today reached out and asked for me to help her with school so she does not "have to get a loan"

so three years with little to know contact
moved in totally with mom
has tried four different times to get more money out of me in the court system ( I say she did because she came all three times and sat there glaring at me with her mom and the ENTIRE damn family)

and just the general manipulative stuff ...........comments on FaceBook and Myspace trying to justify her ugliness
now she wants my help

I've always errored on the side of generosity on everything I do......but this one is tough.........
it will come with conditions........

and my bride of the last ten years has to have some input as well..........

man this is tough

[Thoughts?]

So far, so good. I have communicated the boundaries verbally to test the waters, and they are following them. They voluntarily put me on their financial & grade records on their school's web site, so I can view their grades at the same time they can. Interestingly, they didn't put their mom on there. They spend sufficient time with me. They're respectful.

I think they've concluded who the real parent is, and although they still do a bit too much for their mom (as in jump too high when she says jump), and do too many chores in light of her not even paying them an allowance, they do genuinely enjoy spending time with me and my new wife. They're just more comfortable around me.

Sounds like your ex pounded some real entitlement into the kid.

Be professional, caring and lay it all out for her. Let her know that you actually WANT to do this, but she must follow your guidelines because you believe an young woman should feel empowered & know that she was the key driver behind her successes in life, even if she did get a little help if she fulfilled those conditions. And just list them out.

Because my ex is nuts, and my kids know I'm their primary coach & parent & the one they can rely on for emotional as well as other support, and they also know in their gut I will pull the aid and play tough love (as in I really mean it) if they give me cause, I've kept my terms verbal. But due to the manipulation of your ex and the fact the daughter is coming back under financial duress, I really would lay your terms out in writing.

[harleydad]

thanks man
That is good advice.

I think............well I know.........that the high level of drama is because I am dealing with a girl.

boys just seem to take thier punches and move on.
Girls linger in EVERYTHING that has ever been preceived done to them.

[skewed]

I thought all mom had to do is say the kids are in college and get CS payed until they are 24 years old. but im not really sure on the subject.

[secondhalf]

IMO, the "Daddy Scholarship" is very good reason to spell out college costs right in the divorce decree. "Each party will pay percentages of college tuition, books and fees based upon their gross income each calendar year. The remainder of the cost is left up to the student. The payments are contigent upon student maintaining a full-time schedule and maintaining at least a 2.?? GPA out of a 4.0". Once this is spelled out and everyone knows what is happening and what the consequences are for not following through with their obligations than everyone should be on the same page. Any other monetary disbursements to the student are completely up to the discretion of the parent.

[Fatheroffour]

Dont, DON'T address college unless your state is going to require you to pay. Many states don't and if you put it in the decree you just saddled yourself with it whether you want to or not.

[Thoughts?]

FoFspeaks with sage advice. Most states don't require CS during college, so your goal should be to keep control of your money during that time, so that you can help your kid out as YOU decide to, based upon his/her terms in YOUR daddy scholarship.

And in those states that require it, you do the State's minimum, and then do whatever extra based upon YOUR terms with your children, and only paid directly to them or the institution.

Guys, the goal here isn't to deny support from your children. It's to support them -- on terms you buy into, as a parent, who stays active in their lives, with the children staying connected & respectful to you. If they don't stay connected & active, and allow you to stay engaged in their lives, well, ya know what? You don't owe them a free ride once they hit 18.

[secondhalf]

Guys, the goal here isn't to deny support from your children. It's to support them -- on terms you buy into, as a parent, who stays active in their lives, with the children staying connected & respectful to you. If they don't stay connected & active, and allow you to stay engaged in their lives, well, ya know what? You don't owe them a free ride once they hit 18.

Perhaps I am coming from the place where my kids do stay active in my life. And that has been because I have always stayed interested in what they do in their lives. I also come from a state that does require college to be addressed in the decree. As parents, we all should want to see our kids thrive acedemically and socially because it is not only good for our kids but good for the community. Now, I do fully understand when you have a kid that seems to just use a parent as a "money bag". I'm sure that can be frustrating, especially if that money is being used for things more than their academic development. I would caution a parent to be sure to use that "daddy scholarship" in ways that are not manipulative and controlling as the kid can see through that and will possibly resent you for it later in life.

In cases, where the parent does feel like they are being used as a "money bag" I would urge the parent to take a look at themselves as well. Are you supplying the unconditional love that should flow from parent to child? Have you been there for your kids when they needed you? Do you spend too much time thinking about what will make you happy and not enough time with your kids?

Let me explain where I am coming from in the above paragraph. When my D17 started spending more and more time at my house and effectively stopped following the decree I questioned her about her motives. The response I got was "Why would I want to go over there when there is never anyone home". Now, in my case since NJ pays for eighty percent of the college expenses because of the decree well let's just imagine what could have come down if the decree did not cover college expenses.

[Fatheroffour]

Your explanation brings the issues into light.


Your ex pays for 80% of college expenses so you are very much for parents being obligated to pay for their kids college.

Your considered opinion is to be expected.

[secondhalf]

Your ex pays for 80% of college expenses so you are very much for parents being obligated to pay for their kids college.

Yes, to a certain extent. The NJ does make over five times my annual salary (in the 200+ thousand dollar amount annualy). And she does make over that 200K amount partly because I fully supported in her academic and career endeavors, many times to the detriment of my own academic and career endeavors. Of course, there are some kids that are just not meant for the college experience and should be guided in other directions.

And having stated my opinion I still wish that things were like they were 30+ years ago when a kid often times supported themselves through college. By being able to support themselves they "grow up" more quickly. However, with the cost of college in the 2000s that is most often not the way things work anymore.