PAS in the making?

Parental Alienation Syndrome, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

PAS in the making?

Postby LOBO3315a » Tue May 30, 2006 6:54 am

I spent this Memorial Day weekend with my son.
We had a great time, went to the movies, and to a local water park located near my parent's house. all in all, we had a great time.
But something bothered me when we were driving to my parent's house.
I always engage my son in conversation when I'm driving on the interstate. It helps me pass the time, and catch up with him, ect.
He mentioned that the evening before that his mother and him had gone to Barnes and Noble. So I asked how they got there, if they took the bus. He said that no, they had taken the "New Boyfriend's" car. I then asked if his mom was now driving, and he said, no the "New Boyfriend" had gone there with them.
Ok, no big deal.
Then he mentioned that the 3 of them had been watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on a DVD the "New Boyfriend" had borrowed from one of his friends.
So I mentioned offhand that the "New Boyfriend" must be hanging out a lot with him then.
My son started to answer me, and then said, " Mom says if you want to know anything about "The New Boyfriend" you have to ask her."
I almost wrecked the truck.
I'm still not sure how I should react to this whole thing. Is this PAS in the making?
I wasn't trying to get any illicit info out of my son, but it seems that his mother is trying to head that off at the pass.
I would never tell my son that he couldn't talk to his mother about something. Is it fair to ask a 10 yr old to make a decision on censoring his own conversations with his father?
I should know what my son is doing, espically with a guy that gets to spend more time with him than I do.
What if this guy smacks my son, but he won't tell me because his mom told him if I want to know anything, I have to go through her?
So I took it upon myself to tell my son, that he is allowed to talk to me about ANYTHING. Even if his mother told him not to tell me something, he's allowed to tell me, and he won't get in trouble. But if he decided to also not tell me about something, then he would not be in trouble as well, but he was always allowed to talk to me about anything he wants to. I also told him that I would never tell him not to talk to his mom about anything either.
Also, my ex didn't leave an emergency number where she could be reached this weekend (I had to call her boyfriend's cell phone and her home phone before she called me back, 3 hrs later to find out his cell phone would be her emergency contact number.)
What kind of responsible mother doesn't let the person responsible for her child know how to reach her? And then take 3 hrs to respond because "she was out at the store with her "New Boyfriend""? Good thing I didn't need her to make a decision on life support for my son.
Am I over reacting? Or am I on the money at not being too happy with her?
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Postby Captain Jim » Tue May 30, 2006 7:08 am

This is not PAS. This is you grilling a kid for info and getting exactly what you deserve. Stay out of their business. Run your own life and make it the best possible life for your child's sake.

Stop pumping your kid for info and don't try to snow us. We've all been there.

Question number two; The cell phone.

YOU HAD THE CHILD!!!!! Why the heck would you want to know where his mother is!!! This was nothing more than you still trying to control her life. You even went so far as to call her boyfriend! You are not being a father. You are being a vindictive ex.

The sooner you can move on with your life the sooner things like this won't matter to you. It's hard, but you have to do it.
No one is going to feel sorry for you for very long. It's absolutely awful what has happened to you. But you must create a new role, a new plan and get yourself back up and going again.
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Postby LOBO3315a » Tue May 30, 2006 7:18 am

Actually, I wasn't pumping him for Info. I was just having a conversation with my son.
He was the 1 that brought up the the 2 situations.
I just commented on them, and that was his response.
I didn't care where she was, for the record. I just wanted an emergency contact number, in case something happened.
In the decree, any medical proceedures are to be agreed upon with the custodial parent having final say.
I was just trying follow the orders. Sorry I didn't include that earlier.
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Postby Captain Jim » Tue May 30, 2006 7:26 am

Like I said...we've all been there and we know when it's snowing. You can try to fool yourself or you can move on.
No one is going to feel sorry for you for very long. It's absolutely awful what has happened to you. But you must create a new role, a new plan and get yourself back up and going again.
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Postby LOBO3315a » Tue May 30, 2006 7:37 am

Ok, thanks for letting me know it's not PAS.
I was worried it was, but it's good to know I'm just overreacting then.
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Re: PAS in the making?

Postby Trevor » Tue May 30, 2006 7:55 am

LOBO3315a wrote:So I mentioned offhand that the "New Boyfriend" must be hanging out a lot with him then. My son started to answer me, and then said, " Mom says if you want to know anything about "The New Boyfriend" you have to ask her."

You crossed the line here and the response your son gave is exactly what I tell my kids to say when their mom pumps them for information. Technically, *you* are engaging in a mild form of PAS. Cut it out. Like The Captain said, you aren't fooling anyone.
LOBO3315a wrote:I should know what my son is doing, espically with a guy that gets to spend more time with him than I do. What if this guy smacks my son, but he won't tell me because his mom told him if I want to know anything, I have to go through her?

No you don't have the right to know everything they do on their time. This is the contolling part that The Captain pointed out. You can "what-if" this thing to death. What if he sees them doing drugs or having sex? You will drive yourself nuts worrying about things you cannot, and should not, control.
LOBO3315a wrote:So I took it upon myself to tell my son, that he is allowed to talk to me about ANYTHING. Even if his mother told him not to tell me something, he's allowed to tell me, and he won't get in trouble. But if he decided to also not tell me about something, then he would not be in trouble as well, but he was always allowed to talk to me about anything he wants to.

So no matter what he does, he won't get in trouble. Now that's clear communication for a 10yo to handle. [Jeez.] By the way, it's my guess he isn't worried about getting in trouble with you for leaking stories about what happens with mom and the NB (he probably knows he'll get rewarded)--he is probably concerned about getting in trouble with his mom--so it's pretty disingenuous of you to grant him amnesty from reprisals you cannot control.
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Postby kahuna » Tue May 30, 2006 7:55 am

Sorry Lobo, I think you are overreacting too. Just make sure your son knows if ANYONE hurts him or does something wrong, he can and should tell you regardless of what his mother says. Leave it at that.
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Postby Thoughts? » Tue May 30, 2006 7:58 am

For the kids sake hope both you & your ex get into some co-parenting counseling, or find a good child psychologist to talk to for some guidelines on how to protect the kid during all of this.
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Postby LOBO3315a » Tue May 30, 2006 8:03 am

Ok, I'll admit I was in the wrong on this 1.
I'll keep my nose out of my son's life when he's with his mom.
He doesn't get any "reward" when he "leaks" any "information" to me about anything.
I was just interested in what my son is doing, and how things are going with him.
When I talk to him next, I'll let him know he's to listen to his Mother, and he's always allowed to talk to me if he feels he's in danger.
Thanks for the advice.
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Postby Trevor » Tue May 30, 2006 9:17 am

LOBO3315a wrote:He doesn't get any "reward" when he "leaks" any "information" to me about anything.

Just a clarification, I was using the term "reward" very broadly. Such reward can be anything from additional attention, to a pleasant feeling from the big smile on dad's face, to any such vague, perceived benefit. Even a 10yo is sophisticated enough to use manipulation to get what he wants, and if he finds you in a more lenient or generous mood when he talks about the stuff that goes on at mom's house, he will use it.
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