What are normal reactions to have to his stbx?

[klynne in texas]

They have been working on the settlement for 1 1/2 years and are near divorce after 13 years of marriage. They have a 7 year old daughter. He and I have been together 6 months.

She lives in the same apartment complex. She goes over to his place regularly when he has his daughter. I trust him and he tells me that he no longer loves her (he left the marriage), yet he contantly defends her to me. I don't badmouth her, but I do let him know sometimes that it's difficult having her so close and around all the time. He doesn't think it's valid that I feel this way as they are only remaining close to coparent their daughter.

However, to be perfectly honest, sometimes I wanna get her against a hard wall and strangle her nice and hard

I'm a sane, self confident woman. Is it normal for me to be resentful of her everpresence and his defensiveness of her? Has anyone, male or female, gone through this and have any advice?

[Gecko]

I'm a sane, self confident woman. Is it normal for me to be resentful of her ever presence and his defensiveness of her? Has anyone, male or female, gone through this and have any advice?

Hmmmmmmmm...given your discripton of yourself, it's not "resentment" you're feeling; it's your sub-conscience telling your to get the hell out of there!.

[Trevor]

If a girlfriend's X visited her apartment all the time I would have a problem with it too (maybe I feel that way because my X cheated). It is only natural to feel anxiety about it. That he defends her and allows her to visit on *his time* would raise reasonable concerns. I presume you are either not welcome during this time or feel very uncomfortable being around. By your saying you trust him suggests that he has never (well perhaps until now) given you cause to mistrust him. That's your call.

Coparenting means different things to different people. To me, it means consulting one another about major issues with the child. Major issues do not happen, typically, on a daily basis. It does not mean sitting around the living room helping the child with homework along with the X several times a week. Much too cozy for me.

Bottom line, if you choose to live life with this man *and* his X, more power to you. Your post suggests, and Gecko picked up on it, that you are not. Good luck.

[grmichdad]

klynne....I have a few questions for you that you really need to ask yourself...

Since when do you need to live in the same apartment complex to co-parent effectively?

Do you really want to be the "rebound" girlfriend for this guy? I would be willing to bet you and him don't make it six months...most rebound relationships never work.

Most divorced people to need to "let go" of their previous spouse and heal before they can effectively move into another relationship. This is an essential part of the divorce proces. Does it really sound to you like he is ready for another relationship? My guess is probably not because he still feels some attachment issues to his stbx.

[klynne in texas]

He wants us to move in together. Says it will solve the issue, as I nearly left the relationship a week ago because of the 'closeness'...

We aren't rebound - I've been there before. He dated extensively for over a year before we met, after they split.

Last round of questions to you helpful folks - I've met her a few times and we've been civil, no more, no less. If I were to agree to move in, I'm inclined to have a sit down with either her or the both of them and settle this issue, as well as to make sure that I'm accepted as a 'stepmom', and to let her know that I respect her position as the mother of child, but not as the everpresent ex.

Smart? Stupid? Ridiculously naive???

If any among you have experience in healthy coparenting after divorce, can you give me an idea as to what constitutes 'healthy'....oh, i beg of you.

thnx so much. pulling hair out as i click submit button...

[CBH'sDaddy]

stepMOM u ready to married this guy????????????

[pegasus]

u know that is a difficult thing to answer... There are people who can get along after their divorce, and live near each other and it not be an issue.

http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

The 2 women that run this sight are the Current and ex-wife of the same guy and they are friends. If you read some of the stuff there you will be amazed at how some people can get along. There is a story of a women who has to move to Arizone to take care of her parents, Her ex husband and his current wife are moving there too. Its all friendly. Most of us at this sight are NOT in a friendly divorce. So I guess you have to decide what it is and what you want and what you can HANDLE.

[grmichdad]

Smart? Stupid? Ridiculously naive???

Probably more naive than anything.

[fighting dad]

I am posting under my husbands username. Listen, if your uncomfortable now, it's only gonna get worse. I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we just gained custody of his two daughters. Their mother has NEVER been nice to me. Matter of fact and that's it. Of course now I get the joy of raising HER two daughters because of her shortcomings, and she really hates me now. She actually stuck her tongue out at me a few weekends ago because I asked a ? about insurance. I didn't see it but my hubby did! Step-parenting is tough. I would have never become involved with my then boyfriend if he had THAT kind of contact with his ex. My advice to you is to examine your situation very carefully and be aware that his little girl should be his priority. Not shacking up with a girlfriend.

[nuke]

Klynne- his divorce isn't final yet. Which means that this is not yet over. No matter how much he says it is, because even he doesn't realize yet what that means. So he isn't malicious here, just going through a rough time. He is not going to kick this woman out of his apartment or start setting firm boundaries with her while they are still negotiating. And he is NOT ready to work at another relationship. Given that this relationship has about an 80% failure rate (if you were to marry) because it was entered into during the first year post-divorce, don't you think moving in together is a TERRIBLE idea? Hasn't his child experienced enough loss without having you inserted into her life then yanked away when it doesn't work? I am not saying dump the guy, but a slow down is in order. Wait at least 2 years post divorce to move in/marry. And since I am a little traditional, I think that if you are going to be living with a child, you should be married to her Dad. So I'll throw that in too, though her dad should be the one worried about that not you.