Going from parent/stepparent (legally) to nothing...

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

My stbx has two kids from a previous marriage (the biological father was never in the picture). I got attached to them pretty early on. As my mother puts it...they are pretty much the reason that I married their Mom. My love for them completely clouded over my judgment when it came to their mother (a complete NJ).

When I met the kids, they had barely started walking and required a lot of attention. I think it was this that allowed me to get so consumed with their care, while completely disregarding umpteenzillion red flags about their mother. It wasn't until after they were potty trained and getting more independent (no longer required constant attention every minute) that I really started to process just how dysfunctional my relationship with their mother was.

The ONLY thing that I agonized over when I got ready to leave the marriage was what it would do to the kids. I tried to talk her into a divorce in November, but was unsuccessful. I didn't yet process that I would not be able to work things out locally and would not be able to maintain a relationship with the kids.

Knowing their mother, it became obvious that there was only one way that I would be able to leave her...to just pack my stuff, leave, and stay with my parents 500+ miles away until the dust settled. She made it clear that she was not going to just let me leave her (she threatened false DV charges). Being in VA...she would have gotten a protective order (regardless of an absence of evidence) and I'd have gotten booted from my house anyways.

My question...if anyone has been in this position before...how do you move beyond this? I'm constantly consumed by guilt over having to leave them. Last night I was lying in bed alone and thinking about bed time songs/putting the critters to sleep. For the previous two years…I had a consistent night time routine putting them to sleep. Now…nothing.

I get access to my house back in November, but I expect that empty feeling to only get worse at that point...as I'll have to look at their bedrooms empty every night.

[Fatheroffour]

I've been through it a number of times. Each time missing the kids much more than missing their mom.

Its like other breakups, death or loss. Time makes it better. Stay distracted in the meantime.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Yeah...that's why it's been worse the past few weeks. I've had too much spare time to just sit around and think. I need to start getting back to the gym again. Thank you.

[BartSimpson]

Time. Distance. Shielding.

You need to do some charity work, volunteer, be part of the fabric of the community that helps. You should do something with young men, they need a guy like you to help understand modern women. You have a lot to offer, so pay it forward.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Yup. The other issue is that I'm currently in limbo. As soon as I get settled back into the house (11/1), I'll look into doing that. I've also been toying with the idea of picking up a part-time job after hours, but again...I can't really do that until I get planted in one location. I'm hoping that getting back into the house and resuming a normal life will help. Having to live with my parents for the past four months has been a real kick in the junk/my pride.

[BartSimpson]

C'mon.

You can volunteer tonight, somewhere.

You've got too much time on your hands.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

I know. There's a saying about excuses being like a55h01es...

[BartSimpson]

Volunteer = hot chicks.

You want to meet Ms. Wonderful? Volunteer.

[someguy]

Yeah...that's why it's been worse the past few weeks. I've had too much spare time to just sit around and think. I need to start getting back to the gym again. Thank you.

I felt the same way. I cried for 2 days after she emptied the house, 2 months after she first left.

A broken heart will mend. Loneliness will filled with companionship and there are happier days ahead.