My dirty little secret

[Trevor]

If not hands on in the day to day stuff pre divorce then suddenly having a whole new arena of responsibilities can be overwhelming.

If you let it. But it's not hard to be a great Dad. Love, leadership, and time commitment is all that's needed. Leap into it and learn as you go. No one else has a handbook either.

[kmich91262]

^^^what Trevor said. Currently I have week on/week off of S9 and hopefully NJ comes to her senses and signs the agreement where I have him approximately 65-70% of the time at this point on a temp basis. Anyways I've always taken the attitude that when I have S9, he is my only focus outside of work. During the times I don't have S9, that is my time to recharge.

Funny thing is at one of the counseling appointments for S9 recently, S9 told me before we got there that he was upset that NJ does little to nothing with him. I told him he needs to tell the counselor this. When S9 told the counselor this, NJ was very defensive....felt bad for S9. NJ went on and said she buys him virtually everything. Point is, IMO kids pay attention and prefer the time vs. buying things. Yes, S9 would love for me to buy him everything and anything his heart desires but also knows my money is limited but my time isn't.

[texasdad2012]

I love this line:

"You can't schedule 'quality time', it arises spontaneously while doing the mundane".

After spending my first year divorced doing the "Disneyland Dad" thing, planning all kinds of elaborate outings and events for me and my kids, I finally realized that it can be better to just hang out and do nothing sometimes. So now I intentionally plan times of doing nothing more than just, say, watching an old movie, walking outside and talking, running errands together, etc. Those are some of my own best memories with my parents, too. Sometimes now when my kids come over and ask (out of habit), "Dad, what are we doing?" I actually say "Nuthin." They seem to like that.

Sure, I wish I had more time with them. We proposed an almost equal division but the judge wouldn't hear of it and insisted he could cite "a whole passel of psychologists who would say they need a home base" (don't even get me started). I miss not having dinner with them every day, reading a story and tucking them into bed every night, and seeing them off to school each morning. For the first few months apart, I thought it would kill me. I guess I've just noticed that if I use the times when they're not with me to get stuff done, recharge, and make plans for my next time with them, when they're with me I feel very ready to fully-engage with them, probably with even more energy than I had as a married dad.

Sometimes when I feel sorry for them, like the divorce has predestined them to a screwed-up life, I remind myself that there are MUCH worse situations that many kids in married homes live in. I only have to read or watch the news to be reminded of that.

[someguy]

I think it a lot of ones outlook on this will depend on the kind of relationship they had with the kids pre-divorce. If not hands on in the day to day stuff pre divorce then suddenly having a whole new arena of responsibilities can be overwhelming.

[/quote]


This sounds like me. I worked starting a new business and keeping it alive during the many challenges I had. Mom was home with the kids more so than me. At first I was an absentee father, but in the last couple of years something clicked and I realized what I was doing was wrong. So although I couldn't spend as much time with them as I wanted to I did spend more time with my kids. Now I am required by circumstance to spend more time with them, joyfully so, I assure you. Because my case is still in process, I don't know what the end result will be. I think the custody arrangement needs to be styled according to every party's capabilities and schedule. My STBX was a good mom when we were together. Will that continue? I dont know. If it does, and it makes more sense for me to work more to provide more for the kids, I am willing to give up some time with them to ensure the kids are properly provided for. If she goes full NJ, I will be forced to max my time with them to counteract her NJ ness.

[newwife]

i understand what the original poster says. as a married couple,you always have the opportunity for alone time..cause the other partner should pick up the slack. when you are the custodial parent with the most parenting time, it is all you, all the time. it is hard, and it is frustrating, and it can wear you down. but everytime that child comes back from the other parent in tears, or you come out of that therapy session where the child rants about how the other parent is making them want to die...then you realize why you are doing this.

when your children are grown, healthy(mentally and physically) and living their own productive lives, the you can take all the time you want for yourselves

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

As others have said...if the OP feels this way...then his ex/stbx isn't THAT bad (at least not towards the kids). Leaving my NJ...I have to say that MUCH of my guilt stems from knowing that she's a $h1tty parent and her kids are stuck with her. I was owned by White Knight syndrome...

[jerico08]

I have a favorite saying: "You can sleep when you're dead".

I get what you are saying about re charge time when away from kids, just not complacency. I usually fill the "down time" ( which in my case isn't much) with catch up things such as shopping, laundry, cleaning, yard work and attend or participate in my child's sports or activity on those off days. Then of course you need a little time to recharge as well with your favorite....well, ya know.

[Tyrell]

when your children are grown, healthy(mentally and physically) and living their own productive lives, the you can take all the time you want for yourselves

I have to agree with this one.

I'm probably one of the rare ones on this site, I have my D13 48 weeks a year, her mom gets 4 weeks supervised at the maternal grandmothers house, so thats 2 weeks at X-Mass and 2 weeks in the summer. This puts me "on" pretty much 95% of the time, and I wouldn't trade it for anything; but rather, hearing other mens stories on this site, I'm grateful for the position I'm in and I know how rare and precious it is. I figure I've got maybe 5 more years with her before she goes to college and starts her own life, and to be honest it already chokes me up to think about.

As others have said, the real quality time happens in the mundane tasks of life, when your least prepared and don't expect them. Without a substantial amount of time, you cant get there, and these are the most amazing moments of being a parent.

For me I can't really relate to the OP's position, it's simply not an option for me.