grumblings

[aero_8]

The only thing D9 cares about is that #$%^ mother of hers that beat the #$%^ out of her! WTF! It's too much sometimes. I'm ranting, but I've had it tonight. Emotionally detached rotten little kid. Grrr! Wish I could tell her what a rotten piece of sh$^ her mother is, just to set things straight...

[defaultuser]

Kids are programmed to idolize their parents. When they have a bad parent, they sometimes idolize them more, kind of wishing them into a good parent.

Also, abusive people are very good at manipulating others to be co-dependent.

How do you fix this? First realize you may not be able to. Second, spend time showing your kid (not telling her) what a good parent is and be patient.

[Trevor]

Kids are programmed to idolize their parents.

[Muse...]
I once had the privilege of asking a few questions personally of Frank McCourt, Pulitzer Prize winning author of Angela's Ashes. In that memoir, McCourt's father was a drunk and virtually unemployable, relegating his family into depths of squalor that most of us can only imagine.

I asked him how it was that he spoke with love, respect, and dignity of this man whose shortcomings wreaked havoc on the lives of McCourt's mother and siblings for every last minute of his life.

His response was that humans can filter out everything but the good memories. When he thought of his father, it was the morning talks about mythical Cú Chulainn and other tales, with his cigarettes and tea. It was amazing to see, such compassion he exhibited. Somehow he disconnected the emotion from the pain and filth his father caused. He didn't seem to be in denial, rather he just dealt with what he could never change or affect as best he could.

I could never do that, but I also doubt I'd be the other end of the spectrum, seething with resentment and hate.
[/Muse...]

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."[7]

[minuette]

Her mother isn't a substantive part of her life right now (for good reason). She wants her mother to love her and be a good mommy, which obviously isn't happening right now in any demonstrable way. She doesn't need to be told what a piece of sh*t her mother is, she knows exactly what the score is.

Meanwhile she's secure in both her love for you and her knowledge that you will always be there for her.

So, of course she's going to focus on the broken parent. She'll idealize her mother to some extent, and will probably cry for her mommy if you discipline her. So be the grown up and get some perspective. That kid is living an emotionally f*cked up life right now, because no matter how good a life you give her in terms of material possessions, she's still stuck with a crappy mother and she would probably give anything to have a mommy who loves her like she should be loved.

Generally, what is her behavior like? How is she doing at school and with her peers? Any word from her teacher/counselor/other on any concerning behavior?

[aero_8]

Thanks for the support everyone. I've generally got a pretty good handle on how to deal with this, but it is really difficult sometimes. When you pile on the legal, financial, and emotional crap, holding it all together becomes a delicate balancing act.

To follow up with Mews; I've already started the legal action. NJ has no contact with D9 at this time... hasn't since the abuse.

[lukesdad1]

What a great thread and great advice. I can truly empathize. It's really hard to admit that kind of frustration with your own child.