Dealing with her boyfriends

[crazybama2012]

I was separated for over 2 years and just divorced on May 17. I knew then that my x had a boyfriend since around March as my children had told me about going over to his place on their weekend with mom. Knowing this did not bother me at all, but now that I'm "officially" divorced knowing she has a boyfriend "bothers" me for some reason.

I did not date during the separation b/c I was accused of cheating (i did not cheat) but finally around Feb/Mar 2012 I couldnt take it any more and put myself out there, and I've gone out and fooled around a couple times.

What I'm having trouble with is understanding why this is bothering me now, when it really did not before? Anyone else experience this? What did you do?

My daughter turns 6 tomorrow and I'm afraid that she'll invite me into her mothers home while her boyfriend is there. Whenever I do meet him, I know that I'm going to introduce myself, be polite, and *maybe* tell him I appreciate him being so kind to my children. The guy lives in the country and has a pond where my kids go fishing, he's got some atv's that they go riding on, etc. (My kids are 9-boy, 7-boy, 5-girl).

I've chosen to approach her future bf's this way b/c I'm quite certain that she not only has nothing nice to say about me, but she has made many false accusations about my character and treatment of her, and I'm certain she'll say those things to a boyfriend to help gain sympathy from him, and I also think that if I were to be standoffish and cold-shouldered, such behavior would upset my children. (It's not so much that I want to disprove what she says but more so to simply be the person that I am.)

I really don't care if she dates, in fact I hope they fall in love and get married b/c then I kiss alimony good bye, so why is her dating him suddenly "bothering" me?

[Fatheroffour]

I have no idea why it bothers you but you seem to have a pretty good outlook about it.

I have a question. How do you normally react to things that bother you? For instance, there is a fly in your room at night. Do you spend 20 minutes chasing it in your underwear, cussing and trying to kill it or can you tune it out and go to sleep?

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

It sounds like she's moved on emotionally (making connections beyond a physical nature). It sounds like you're still in limbo. It's one thing to run out and bang someone (you aren't having to bare your soul to another person)...it's another to make a meaningful connection (it sounds like you haven't done that post-marriage yet).

You might want to focus on what it might be that's holding you back from accomplishing that. That may tie into your "guilt" or feelings about her ability to do so.

You care about what people think of you. However, that can be a double-edged sword. Try focusing more on yourself and how YOU perceive yourself...rather than focusing on how others see you. This is the pot calling the kettle black here though, as I'm just as guilty of this.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you have a very mature/good attitude about handling her boyfriends.

[crazybama2012]

both good comments, thanks. I would try to swat the fly away, or kill it, but not much more then that, certainly wouldn't run around cursing.

I think it's a more immature and basic frustration: why does she get to have a boyfriend and I don't get to have a girlfriend?

I know it's not my job to "prove" her wrong to her bf's. If they don't believe the lies she tells about me (assuming she tells them) then they would not be with her. Plus i'm not looking for their approval or anything, it's just the person I am, I don't care if she dates and I hope she remarries soon!

Thanks again for your comments!

[stb_divorced]

what's stopping you from getting a girlfriend? have you even tried?

women are like buses, another will be along in 15 minutes....

[jamessick]

He's not ready for a girlfriend, you can tell from the posts. He's going to have to take some time to find himself first, before he finds another.

[stb_divorced]

Agreed.

OP no offense. It's been 2 years. maybe you need to find a support group or something just to get yourself out there - or some counseling to help deal with the changes and stresses that go along with divorce.

that's what i'm planning on doing as i'm sure i haven't fully dealt with all the emotions of my own.

[TejasDad]

I know you said that you hope she does get married and lives happily ever after and all that. The only thing though that I can see that is different since the divorce was final is that she is now able to get remarried. When there is no safety net, walking the high wire is a lot more nerve racking.

[crazybama2012]

Thanks everyone for the comments, I've come to learn that I'm simply moving through the stages of grief by accepting the finality of my divorce. Unfortunately it's been going on a long time. As I read my original post above, it sounds like I was in shock, at least now I've moved to depression and sadness, so the tough part is almost over.

The answer to my question of "why now" is this bothering me, seems to be best answered through by comparing it to the experience one goes through when a loved one is suffering a terminal illness. As you see the person suffering you grieve the eventual loss of their life, but you cannot move through the process completely until they pass away. And now my marriage is officially over, now I'm grieving, it's frustrating but I'm happy to know that soon I'll be a better person.

Thanks to all who commented!

[KeepingMyKids]

I'm not saying this sarcastically or meanly, I did the same thing myself - get some help. Go talk to someone in a professional setting if you can afford it. For a few months during my separation I was so low that I didn't see how I would ever make it up again. I lost close to 50 lbs (putting me at about 130), slept maybe an hour a night. You're not alone, take advantage of your support network, friends, family, a doctor, everyone on here. Keep the faith, it will get better.