"Best Interest of Child" philosophy

[nighthawk]

One thing I found out with my court, you may want to know,my NJ seemed to be believable, to the court, everytime she opened her mouth! It took cold hard evidence and facts to prove she was lying! And then it took more proof to show she was destroying my relationship with my child. It even took more proof to show I wouldn't do the same thing if I had custody. In the end I got custody! But there's alot of room for slip, between the cup and lip!

[Trevor]

And you are telling me that I would be wrong to let my kids know that she plays this < edited > up game??

Yes.

You would be right by demonstrating your love and commitment to them consistently by showing up in their lives all the time, insulating them from the lies and ugliness of the divorce, and not jacking with their heads by sticking them in the middle of an adult situation that they cannot possibly comprehend.

[embattled]

And you are telling me that I would be wrong to let my kids know that she plays this < edited > up game??

Yes.

You would be right by demonstrating your love and commitment to them consistently by showing up in their lives all the time, insulating them from the lies and ugliness of the divorce, and not jacking with their heads by sticking them in the middle of an adult situation that they cannot possibly comprehend.

So when a child asks, why can't we visit(?) what do you say?

"Sorry son, I just can't."

That doesn't seem to cut it for me.

[jumbledone]

And you are telling me that I would be wrong to let my kids know that she plays this < edited > up game??

Yes.

You would be right by demonstrating your love and commitment to them consistently by showing up in their lives all the time, insulating them from the lies and ugliness of the divorce, and not jacking with their heads by sticking them in the middle of an adult situation that they cannot possibly comprehend.

So when a child asks, why can't we visit(?) what do you say?

"Sorry son, I just can't."

That doesn't seem to cut it for me.

"Hey, son, I really would like to be there right now, but I can't. Hey, btw, I am really looking forward to your ballgame on Thursday!'

[embattled]

"Hey, son, I really would like to be there right now, but I can't. Hey, btw, I am really looking forward to your ballgame on Thursday!'

When I did that, my son asks why not?

Understand, that I live in another state, so I don't get to make up for a lost visit easily.
His mother has told him in the past that the reason I live in another state is because I wanted to get away from him. For a time, he believed it. (Bringing up her disparaging comments in court gets her denial and the court just ignores it anyway.)

My dilemma is that he thinks I am choosing to avoid him. I want him to know that I am trying very hard to make it happen but that it isn't in my control. When asks why it's this way, I don't know what I should say.

[Fatheroffour]

"I'd love to but you're mom won't let us."

Some say that is putting the kid in the middle.

I say that you are limited in the ways you can protect a child from their parent. Accepting blame for the other parents faults is not one of the ways I choose.

[kangaroocourt]

My take on it is that 'best interest of the child(ren) is simply the excuse they use to steal your money, harm families, wreck relationships with kids, and oppress innocent men.

[cynicalDad]

Unfortunately BIOTC really boils down to: "What some judge that sees hundreds of cases a year thinks about your case after a few hours of hearings" ...

Some states are good for fathers and parenting equality, some states are not. Even in the same state it often depends on the judge in your case. I've had one judge be really kind to me and another be total jerk to me and use her own personal experiences to color her judgement of me, my child and even statements made by school administrators.

Realize now that life is not fair. The court system is not fair to fathers (in general) unless you can show that you are an exceptional parent and have a sympathetic judge and that "single moms" will always be able to garner more sympathy simply because they are women. That being said, many ppl on this forum have won custody and extra parenting time with their kids.

If your ex is not violating the terms of the parenting plan your best bet is to focus on having frequent telephone contact with him, keeping involved in his life and maybe trying to speak to the NJ about it if she is at all reasonable. I don't know enough about your parenting plan and current court situation to advise you except that you should try to keep from blaming the other parent. Just tell them that you can't because you have to wait till your parenting time to see them next. Eventually the ex may want to switch a weekend with you or something and at that point you don't have to reasonable since she is being unreasonable to you and maybe that will convince her to be more reasonable in the future?