Recent divorce...new guy in the picture

[Scoobz7]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this site and have read quite a few posts in the forums before actually registering. I have a situation that I feel feedback from you might shed some light on how I should proceed. I apologize in advance for not using some of the abbreviations common on this site as I have not yet figured out what they all mean.

My divorce was final in Sept 2011. The circumstances leading to the divorce was due to my wife cheating. I could not find it in myself to try and work it out as we had been growing more distant and frankly we had less and less in common over time. We have two children D5 and S3. They will be 6 and 4 in late Jan. Needless to say we have both done our best to shield the children from our issues and have been very civil. The divorce was amicable. That is to say, we did everything ourselves without lawyer participation. Custody is 50/50 and there is no maintenance or child support required from either of us. The kids seem to be adjusting relatively well. That is the brief background...

My ex is now pretty serious with a new guy (not the one she cheated with). He seems to be okay although I have yet to meet him. I am arranging to have a sit down with him soon. My ex is one of those people who seems to not be able to do anything on her own. She needs to have someone around which leads me to believe that the other guy will be moving in with her in the relatively near future. I am not sure what the best way to deal with this is. I have nothing against him since he is not the one with whom the cheating occurred and by all accounts he is a decent guy. He seems to be good with the kids and they like him well enough. I would like to sit down with him one on one just so we can get to know each other. I mentioned this to the ex and she went nuts. I told her I have no intention of discussing their relationship, I just want to get to know who he is since he is around my children and I don't want her directing the flow if the conversation.

I am out of line asking to speak with him one on one? I just want to do what is best for my kids.

[BartSimpson]

Yes, kinda sorta out of line.

It makes sense, and we understand it, but you're not the gatekeeper and there is nothing you can do so it is a waste of energy, while setting in motion a chain of events that makes less sense as time goes on. Guys say do a background check, but I'm not in favor of that at all since it, too, just causes unnecessary grief and anxiety. Hey, your ex picked you.

Do you want your ex-wife vetting all your girlfriends to her approval?

[Fatheroffour]

Agree with Bart.

Nothing wrong with striking up a conversation about the latest ball game, hunting trophy or race win during exchanges if the opportunity presents itself. I've done it that way, but to request a formal interview is likely to get you painted as a problem and defenses will instantly be up.

There is nothing you can do about the presence of average guy. Nothing.

[Scoobz7]

I can see your points. I guess I should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Even though my intention is not to "interview" him, I can see how that is what is sounds like.

[BartSimpson]

Be honest with yourself - yes it is. There is absolutely no other reason.

[Scoobz7]

Any advice regarding how I should go about meeting him? We do not have any contact for the most part. The pick-ups and drop-offs are pretty short and sweet, and most of the time he is not around during those times? Do I ask if we can all do something together. I think it will help the kids to see us together as they are very protective of me and do their best not to bring the other guy into any of their conversations.

I would rather they be able to speak freely about anything without worrying about hurting my feelings. I am fine with the whole deal now, but they don't seem to understand that quite yet.

[Fatheroffour]

Most people in that situation are not going to want to meet you. Maybe a "Hi" at an exchange but they're not going to want to swap spit in the shower so you'll have to make him want to come to you, so to speak. Youre going to have to seduce him.

An extra Superbowl ticket or ringside fight seats might do the trick.

[BartSimpson]

Remember that part in your first post where you said your divorce was final in September 2011 - like two months ago?

Give it time - you don't need to fix everything right away. Your kids are not that fragile.

So, what new hobby have you picked up since the divorce?

[Scoobz7]

Aside from trying to learn how to cook for one every other week, I haven't picked up any new hobbies yet. I have been enjoying some quiet time to read and I travel for work, so I immersed myself in that meaning I try and travel a lot when I don't have the kids. I have absolutely no interest in meeting other women at this time, so I guess I am just catching up on some me time.

P.S. I don't need to meet him that bad. If I get SB tix, I am sure I can find someone more suitable to go.

[Fatheroffour]

I am sure I can find someone more suitable to go.

Like me.

Just take it easy. Get the kids more comfortable talking to you about him. Demonstrate that there is no ill feelings over time and maybe you'll get to know the guy. It's natural wanting to know who's around your kids but you can't come on too strong or it will have to opposite effect of what you want.