Dad stuck between paying ordered CS or paying to see child

[CS]

I have posted here a few times concerning my husband's situations. BigBob was a big help in showing us a website for calculating TN's CS. Well, the parenting plan proposal that only took both attorneys 3 months to put together is now ready for my husband's review. Come to find out that under TN's shared income model that supposedly takes into account both parents' incomes and health/day care costs of any children involved, actually caused his CS to increase, even though his income dropped a few years ago. Now granted, his CS did not increase substantially, but on top of being responsible for 50% of all uncovered medical expenses, including the co-pays & yearly deductibles; his proof of a life insurance policy in place each year and being responsible for paying two of the four airline tickets (& his unaccompanied minor fee, which, from those who are paying these things-it can be expensive!) in full; he also has to cough up enough money to care for the child he does live with, including his day care costs, etc. All on a middle-class working man's income. What breaks my heart the most is to hear my husband say that if this all goes through, he will probably be unable to afford his child's airline ticket for the summer and/or Thanksgiving < parenting time > & he feels the system is just basically forcing him to either choose paying CS(which has legal ramifications if not followed) or pay to see his child(which will have emotional consequences for both he & his child if not followed). I would do anything to help him out, but I myself work only part-time due to a baby of our own & I, myself am a NCP who pays CS to two children. We are not made of money, like the ex seems to presume, but her constant whining of how she's paying for the child's private school & her health care & now the other two airline tickets seems to get her far in the family law world while my husband is being made out as a "difficult" client if he complains even once. How can a system that doesn't hesitate to go after all that a NCP makes can do so without regards as to how that parent & the child's bond can be continued? In my opinion, if TN doesnt' care if my husband ever sees his child again, so long as he pays...then take the statements off the new guidelines that state that one of the purposes of TN"s new guideline is to ensure the NCP's contact/involvement in the child's. My husband now has only two options: not agree to the proposal & hash it out once again before a judge & be slandered somemore by his ex(who'll just continue to deny him access to his child while all this is going on), even though we can no longer afford the attorney costs or accept the proposal & pray for a way to see his child. In my opinion, either way he's basically robbed.

[sideliner]

I have no advice just sympathy and compassion. I did not have to deal with an irrational spouse even though it was myself that did the screwing up. But who knows down the road. For now I feel grateful that I get my kids once a week and evry other weekend and can call any time and take them to the sporting events. I have not been cast out of their lives as some form of cruel punishment. BUT I have a couple of friends who did, and after years went back to court and did get custody. I may not have loved my ex in the end but I always loved my sons. I feel for you.

[Pete]

part of the post divorce world, fair or not, is that the impact of financial obligations ordered by the court filter down. You mentioned that you had a new child and are paying CS for two others, while he is also paying CS and other money necessary for < parenting time > and what not....the costs of such things were known when you entered into the relationship and decided to have a child.

Tangent with this is the need to have pretty tight budgets and priorities. Yes, the system sucks the way it is, and with the amount of expenses you list...made of money or not...that is an expensive undertaking.

My sympathies as well. My advise would be to know that debt will be there when the kids are older, but they are only young once. the cost of not making every financial sacrifice necessary is far greater than the sacrifice of certain quality of life.

Budgeting can be very difficult, as it is tough to make some choices.

Good luck.

[aniyunwiya]

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, he has 3 children from his previous wife who was in a car accident and died. The grandmother of the children has perminant guardenship of the kids. It has taking us quite some time to put our lives together having a 9 year old of our own a baby just born 6 months ago. We are financial able now and ready to take his children and under the nevada statue children belong with their biological parents. My husband did have a bad past history but has changed drastically over the past ten years.
The grandmother of the children does not supervise them and neglects them, she does own a much bigger house then we do, but does not provide the kids with any structure.
The oldest 14 year old wants to live with us, and the daughter ran away when she 10 because she was unhappy with her living situation at her grandmothers, so we decided it was time to file for terminantion of guardenship.
Our first hearing was great, infact it sounded as if the judge was going to favor on our side, he gave the grandmother 1 more week to prepare because she felt she wasn't informed in time. The next hearing was horrible, even though we had family members from the grandmothers side on our side testifying to her lax ways and the neglect of the children it all went wrong.
The judge is bringing a casa worker to evulate the living situation when we have the kids, he also changed the < parenting time > which was put in place in 1997 from supervised to 50/50 but here is the catch, we now have to pay her 1257.00 a month, but will have the kids 50% of the time, he set the max child support on my husband, and we have 2 kids of our own to support as well. When I asked the judge shouldn't the support be cut in half since half of the time they will be in our care, he said if that was his wife sitting over there, there wouldn't be any support, but since it wasn't her responsiblity to take these kids, he should be paying 100% of their support, I thought well if he should be paying 100% why shouldn't he just have them? That is what we were there for in the first place, was to take them back. My husband feels like he is being punished for bettering himself, and I feel like we just were kicked extrememly hard!

[Pete]

Unfortunately, the comingling of CS and < parenting time > are two entirely independent issues. The judge could just as easily order the mother to have 100% custody and 100% receipt of CS.

Going from supervised < parenting time > to 50/50 if certainly quite an improvement and by no means a punishment, and may in fact lead to more custody time down the road. It would have been very unlikely even in the best circumstances for a complete custody change.

Take advantage of the extra time with the kids to be better examples and role models, and do not waste too much energy pining about the sins of the past or present with the Grandmother.

Best of luck. Many fathers here would give their left arm for 50/50...at any cost. Given the indication that your husband had perhaps made some very bad decisions over 10 years ago, it is fortunate that he has improved himself and now has the chance to be more involved in his children's lives.

Focus on the positives of this. Dwelling on the unfairness of the courts etc will eat away at your happiness in the short and long run, and will trickle down to how you interact with eachother and the kids. As time goes on, and things get better, you can motion for further custody changes should the circumstances warrant them.