Rescuing my girls from a 3rd eviction in 6 months (Arizona)

[hgoldman]

OK, new to the forum here... so "Hello" to all of my fellow divorcee's out there. Have been divorced from my two daughter's mother for 3 yrs now, and am engaged to a wonderful woman that has blessed me with a now 6 month old son. My daughters are 9 & soon to be 11.

Basically, the situation is that I have 50/50 custody and pay support to the Ex religiously. I get the girls every other weekend, but loosely as we sometimes will double up on weekends if either of us have plans with them that requires the adjustment. Up until about a year ago, the fighting and bitterness was very apparent. She then hooked up with this guy that was her "Mr Amazing" and he moved from Texas to Arizona to live with her.

Around the time he arrived she was behind on her rent and losing the apartment. I didn't know at the time that she was being evicted because they kept it hush hush with it being the holidays and the fear of me finding out. I had previously taken her to court for emergency custody because she was being evicted and she refused to let me take the girls even though they had nowhere to go. Out of the blue she came into money and averted the eviction, thus ending the court hearing.

So, her and her new guy moved out of the apartment and into a rented house. The kids each had their own room and all was well again. Until her drama forced him to bail while they were at the Dr's and they came home to a quiet house - minus his stuff.

A month later, she was evicted from that house and moved into her current apartment on her own terms. Meanwhile her health has been fading and they can't seem to diagnose what the problem is, but it's bad enough that she missed quite a bit of work and her job terminated her. She is now facing yet a 3rd eviction and asked me to co-sign for her to get into a new apartment. I am not willing to do so since I know that she doesn't have the income and will most likely default on that lease as well.

She now plans to take herself, both girls and the two dogs to a friends house that is 20 minutes further away from me (it is currently a 45 minute commute without traffic) and her friend is claiming she can live there rent free until she is back on her feet. This would be fine if she had plans to go back to work and it was a temporary deal, but she told me over the phone that she planned to put the kids into a school close by and that she may end up staying there for quite a while.

I offered to take the kids for a few weeks or months on a temporary basis so that she could find herself a job and get back on her own feet, since I not only am not comfortable with the new living arrangements she is talking about (they won't have a room and will be camping out in this lady's house) and the extra distance between our locations.

She saw this as a threat to her that I was planning to take them from her and that I was persecuting her for her trying to be a single Mom and her failing health. It was certainly not the case, but she is still VERY bitter about our divorce and if she has her way I'll never be allowed to have custody of the girls beyond our < parenting time > agreement.

She is now refusing to allow me to have the girls for my 2 weeks in the summer which I requested to begin immediately, and has flat out told me that I have to take her to court over it. She claims to have dirt on me, and over 4 conversations on the phone rattled off just about everything that I possibly had done wrong during our 10 yr marriage. None of that bothered me, I'm used to her slinging mud my way and I know that I haven't done anything wrong recently.

The last time we went to court, the judge told me not to use her coming to me for help as an excuse to file for custody, and I haven't. She has repeatedly asked for my help and I have given it every chance that I have been able to. However, this time is a bit different. I can't see a judge looking at her having 3 evictions in one year and saying "She's doing fine, she gets to keep the girls."

Am I wrong? Any advice? Words of wisdom???

I'm very frustrated at the fact that she is bad mouthing me in front of the girls and telling stories about me (mostly not true) about how bad our relationship was in the past and all of the things she THINKS that I did behind her back. I'm afraid that all of that verbal abuse that the girls are hearing from her about me is going to adversely effect my relationship with them and the last thing that I want is for my girls to hate or resent me. We have a lot of fun together and I try so hard to be there for them whenever I can. They've always been all snuggly up to me and hanging on me because I am Daddy and they are my princesses.... definitely Daddy's Girls.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Fatheroffour]

the situation is that I have 50/50 custody and pay support to the Ex religiously. I get the girls every other weekend,

Not sure what that means in the context of 50/50. You have shared legal custody and she has primary with you having the every other weekend screwjob?

She is now refusing to allow me to have the girls for my 2 weeks in the summer which I requested to begin immediately, and has flat out told me that I have to take her to court over it.

Take her to court. No longer talk to her on the phone. Use onlt text and email, get your evidence and take her to court. Request fees for her belligerence and obstructionism.

Quit helping her and enforce your decree. When she falls and can't adequately take care of your daughters take her to court for custody. Not because she keeps asking you for help but because she is unstable, flighty and does not act in the best interest of the children.

IOW, quit enabling her and use her failings against her.

[BartSimpson]

When you say her health is failing, what is her chief complaint?

[hgoldman]

She has been having trouble sleeping, breathing, extreme fatigue, loss of apppetite, and body pains.

The Dr's have run numerous tests and mad several innaccurate guesses as to what she has - everything from Emphysema to sleep apnea, lung infection, valley fever, thrush... It's a long list. They diagnose the symptoms but unfortunately not the problem.

This has been ongoing for about 5 months, and the have had her on so many medications it's not even funny anymore. Some days she is ok, and others she is miserable.

As for the custody thing, yes you are correct with having them every two weeks, joint custody with her as primary.

[epsilon]

She has been having trouble sleeping, breathing, extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, and body pains.

No migraines?

The Dr's have run numerous tests and made several inaccurate guesses as to what she has

She is seeing the wrong doctors.

[hgoldman]

Yeah, I know she isn't getting the best care. It's an insurance thing. And no on the migraines.

[BartSimpson]

So just between us, do you think she's sick?

Does she really have such an unusual condition that it is beyond diagnosis by numerous physicians and available testing?

[epsilon]

You're missing the point.

Migraines are usually part of the list of 'ailments' and the doctors she should be seeing are psychiatrists. Not that it would do any good. But the point being that she doesn't have anything physically wrong with her.

Does she really have such an unusual condition that it is beyond diagnosis by numerous physicians and available testing?

[chris]

You're missing the point.

Migraines are usually part of the list of 'ailments' and the doctors she should be seeing are psychiatrists. Not that it would do any good. But the point being that she doesn't have anything physically wrong with her.

Does she really have such an unusual condition that it is beyond diagnosis by numerous physicians and available testing?

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this really caught my attention. What list are migraines a part of? Is that an indicator of mental illness? My stbx misses all sorts of time with the kids due to various ailments and excuses (for instance, she's out of town this whole week because her hairdresser's father died), but the big one is migraines. Anyway, just curious what that meant.

Hgoldman, I understand completely how you feel: it's tough, even a year after separating, to resist the save-a-ho mentality. I try to justify it in my head that when I help her I'm helping the kids too, but I realize I'm just enabling her, and am trying to resist that urge. I agree with FoF: by going for custody, you're not taking advantage of her misfortune, you're doing what's clearly in the best interest of your daughters. Good luck with everything you're going through.

[hgoldman]

Thank you all for the advice, it was needed and appreciated.

This past week has been hell on me emotionally and I hate to admit it but I think I may have even lost a few sales because I wasn't completely focused on what I needed to do at work. That's going to bite me in the end because I live on commission.

I had emailed my ex several times back and forth, so everything from the time that I posted this thread to now has been documented. I pointed out several key factors that backed my having the kids legally and how her countering my efforts would only hurt her chances of keeping them and drag the kids through hell as well. I guess my point became clear, and her boyfriend - who ditched her in April to move back to Texas and started this whole mess but they are still together and he's coming back after he gets his things in order... however that 's supposed to work - he apparently read the last email that I sent to her that quoted the statutes in question and pointed out cases that showed precedent in the fathers favor. He told her to back off and just let me take the kids.

So, that's what happened. One minute - mega < female dog >, the next minute - will you help me?

It was hard not to laugh at the situation when she was trying so hard to be nice to me when I knew deep down she was pissed beyond recognition.

Anyways, I have the kids now on a temporary verbal agreement. I didn't file the paperwork as it would have required stopping the child support, which she is going to be helping me pay for the kids groceries while I have them the next 5-8 weeks. Once she has an apartment set up and can afford them then I'll return them as promised. That was my initial request to begin with, just to make sure the kids were safe.

As for the mental debate... I've often wondered if she had an illness with all of the sicknesses she's has over the past 15 yrs, but sometimes she really is sick and the Dr's put her on meds and she's fine. Other times they just scratch their heads because the symptoms are there but the tests are negative. Things that make ya go "Hmmmmmmmm"