Opinions Needed

[Herb123]

Married 12 years, 10 yo son. Wife met a guy on-line, 1500 miles away. She flew him here and she's been spending nights in a hotel with him, for 2 weeks now. She'll come by the house in the morning to take son to camp and then stop by for a couple hours in late afternoon to do laundry and then take off for hotel. She has an apartment lined up to move to in a week or two. It appears she's going to move her boyfriend in and have son there during her parenting time. I have a huge problem with this. We don't know who this guy is. We have not even filed for divorce yet. She doesn't think I know the guy is here.

Lawyer says we should file fault based divorce (adultery still on the books in NH) and ask for hearing to request that boyfriend not be around son.

What do you guys think of this situation? What should I do? I am very concerned about our sons well being. Thanks for the help!

[blueTexas]

It's a terrible situation for you and your son.
You lawyer has good advice. Find a way to document your wife's infidelity. Keep records. Did she pay for all this? If so, then credit card statements are good fodder for evidence. Emails?
And read Father of Four's advice through his inks in his postings.. At some point you can kick her out of the house completely...file for exclusive use of the house, change the locks, change all your accounts to exclude her, etc. Don't hold back.

[defaultuser]

Unfortunately, the consensus here is that there is very little you can do to prevent your wife from bringing your kid around whoever she wants. If you can provide evidence that this guy is a threat to your child, you may be able to get a restraining order on him. So... hiring a PI to do a background check may be a good idea. If he doesn't have a serious record, there isn't much you can do in my opinion.

You may or may not want to file a fault based divorce. If you do, I would make sure you have evidence of the affair before filing. Once you do, she may make evidence collection difficult, and you don't know how long Mr. Wonderful is going to be hanging around.

Also, you should interview other attorneys before going ahead with this one. Its a very important choice to make.

For now, you're doing the right thing. Start a journal if you don't have one. Once she moves out, it will be something that is useful to you in court. I wouldn't agree to her having your child any more than you are comfortable with post divorce.

You also need to go ahead and separate yourself financially. Don't give her any money unless it helps her to spend time with Mr. Wonderful or to move out. That is something useful to you and probably a good use of your money.

[Herb123]

I had a PI document their first night together. He also did a backround check but turned up nothing but a bunch of addresses.

I have been doing a journal for 2 months and we've kept seperate finances.

[Chosen2Dad]

I feel your pain...it will be hard to do anything with that other man unless he is a threat to the kid.

As for not filing yet, that's great. You will have more time to plan. You will be able to claim the house on your own, which may give you primary residence. Change locks when she moves out, set up another account to have some money stashed away. As for how often he spends with her and Mr. W, to be determined. The good thing is, I don't think you will be at less than 50/50 when it's all said and done.

Document everything you do with your child and what you know she is doing. most states have no fault divorce and will adultery really play in your favor of custody? In Jersey, it doens't matter as long as it's not at the detriment to the child.

[Fatheroffour]

I understand your concern for your child's well being. The most likely harm that will come to him out of this scenario will be finding out his mom is a Ho screwing douchebags while she's still married to his dad.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do to shield him from that.

Use the Mr. Wonderful effect to your full advantage and don't miss out on the little sleep you're getting fretting that the guy will hurt your boy. That is one of the unlikelier scenarios.The dude is just thinking with his dick and has no concern for your son. Neither does your wife. Use that to your advantage.

[Herb123]

Ok, should I file fault (naming adultery partner) or no-fault? Keep in mind, I'm in NH and we still have fault based divorce, although it apparantly means very little.

Tough choice. Lawyer says it makes no difference as far as child custody goes.

Pros:
Possibly use removing adultery partner from case as a bargaining chip at the mediation table?
Adultery partner gets served, freaks out and goes away?

Cons:
Fault is probably just kicking the bees nest and will make the other parties angry and less open to a reasonable mediation. NJ has already said 50/50 is ok.
Adultery partner freaks out and creates problems?
Adultery parner will be able to see all documents and be able to be at all hearings (although she could bring him anyway).

Either way, we will file motion that POSOM stay away from s10 until GAL does investigation. Most likely, this will be exparte just to expedite process.

What do you guys think?

[stretchkr]

Lose one adultery partner, only to have her find another. Waste of time imo. Get used to Mr. Wonderfuls being around your kid(s), and use it to your advantage. I would say focus on getting more parenting time if you want to keep your stbx man friends out of there lives rather than try to control what she is doing.

[CCR]

50/50 is fine as long as you are named the custodial parent. Go with that and a no-fault divorce...and get it written up ASAP before Mr. Wonderful takes off.

[Transcended]

You should consider yourself lucky that she even bothers to come home to do laundry.

if she is good with 50/50 then go with that, use no-fault as carrot to get her co-operation with whats really important, which is parenting time.

As others have stated, you have little control over who your NJ exposes your children to either now or after divorce, so best to get used to that and focus on your time with kids.

If you have money burning a hole in your pocket, then go for fault but it will probably only help you with spousal support.