back to the beginning

[Guitargrinder]

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted on here. Last year, I decided to have an affair after agreeing to her request for an open marriage AND finding out she had an account on chemistry.com (dating site). Beginning of November, my wife says she wants to work it out and wants to try again. I was ecstatic. I said yes and broke off my affair. Things were wonderful for the next month until the woman I had the affair with decides to interfere. She contacts my wife to tell her everything. My wife forgives me. We have a wonderful marriage for 5 months.
After visiting family out of town end of May. I come home and my wife says she wants a divorce and she can't forget about the affair. She tells me that she wants to be civil and at least get along. She informs me that she is contacting a lawyer.
Here's the crazy thing. Its been a month and she hasn't done anything. I think she just likes the home and what I provide for her, but not me. I think she would be happy just being roommates with me paying for everything.
Background: married for 12 yrs. Been rocky the last 8yrs. Wife is 41. I'm 39. 2 daughters 8 and 12. She's a stay at home mother who doesn't go out much. Not being mean, but she stays in bed most of the day. When I leave for work at 8, she's in bed. When I get home at 6pm, she's in bed. She's either asleep, watching TV, or reading. Not active. I do all the housework (inside and outside). She only washes clothes and takes kids to and from school.

She has no job so she cant move out. I cant afford to pay for the house and a place for me to live. What now? Am I being used here? And I wonder why the change of heart in her?

[Fatheroffour]

Not much has changed in the past year here. Review the links in my signature and make the decision whether you're going to stay married to worthless crazy or not.

Pretty nice mental gymnastics though.
"I want an open marriage"
"Go have an affair"
"I love you so much"
"I cant forget about your affair"
"I want a divorce"

[mcc333]

Well, guitar, you've been very lucky to date. You have a real dead weight for a wife and it looks like you have contributed mightily to her taking advantage.

Some quick notes - in an economy where most families barely get by, no one can afford a divorce. And yet, it is very much in vogue. The point is you can afford a divorce and she can make you do it. Your lifestyle and what you take for granted will change drastically. In the event of a divorce, the fact that NJ is SAHM and has no job skills is going to hurt your custody chances. Stay out of a trila and negotiate a decent deal.

She may just be too lazy to actually get the divorce going or keep it on track. Use this to your advantage. Stay in the house and in the marriage as long as possible.

If you think the marriage actually has any potential, figure out a way to get the NJ doing something productive and getting some self-esteem. It seems to me this is where the whole problem is. She wants to blame you for her unhappiness when it's her own laziness and lack of ambition that's the problem.

[Guitargrinder]

I like the way you think mc333. My problem is that I'm not happy paying for someone to live with me who is really just using me. Hell, I was even nice enough to take the smallest bedroom in the house to sleep in while she gets the huge master bedroom with walk in closet, TV, and master bathroom.

And she does have a nursing degree. She just hasn't worked in a long time. So, that could be to my advantage, right?
If she was willing to work out the marriage, I would. But I think she likes it this way. She's getting taken care of with nothing expected of her (physically, sexually, or monetarily). Your right, mc333. I created a monster.

[mcc333]

My problem is that I'm not happy paying for someone to live with me who is really just using me. Hell, I was even nice enough to take the smallest bedroom in the house to sleep in while she gets the huge master bedroom with walk in closet, TV, and master bathroom.

One never knows the measure of the true Dad's on this board until you learn the sacrifices the men have made. You're upset because you took the smallest bedroom? Here's a reality check for you. How would you like it if you could only see your girls 6 days a month starting in July but hey, you can have the biggest bedroom all to yourself? Would that be a good deal? You're paying for someone to live with you? How about next month you start paying NJ for your kids not to live with you? It's called child support. Start reading the other posters info and you may find you have it pretty good. Better to learn it from a forum than to learn it the hard way.

[golfdad]

Sounds like my situation, exactly. But add a part-time job to my full-time job and she sat on the couch watching TV while I worked my axe off.

More than three years later and a failed divorce attempt I'm still in the small bedroom.

One thing that helped my sanity was I cut her off financially. And once the kids return to college next month I'm turning off the cable and Internet accounts. She works just enough to pay her own bills but has no motivation to contribute to the household expenses or the three kids attending college.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do it.

Pars & Birdies

[jerico08]

She may not have been doing anything for a month because she is most likely strategizing how she is going to hose you for lifetime alimony and child support, kick you out of your home and then you'll really have a small bedroom...a rented one at the "Y" while she is banging the pizza guy in your old master bedroom.

As others said, gear up and dont take nothing for granted, especially her silence.

[Chosen2Dad]

I was just thinking what Jerico said...she's planning...you better too..and start moving < edited > around to keep your skin..you know..that stuff that covers your body!