How Do I Move On

[dacoming]

My wife and I have been married for 16 years. She is extremely jealous and controlling, even the kids see it. We have a 14 year old son together and 2 stepdaughters who I love as my own. I am currently stationed in Germany but they are all back in Colorado, which is her fault because we were having problems and she threatened to go to my Commander with "whatever false information it took" if I didn't take the assignment to Germany. I was working a special needs assignment so that we could all be together.

She has always been overly jealous but now she constantly accuses me of false stuff on a weekly basis which lead to long blown out arguments. I'm a guy who hates conflict and tries to avoid arguing with her but she goes all night. 99% of the arguments we have are for things that are not happening. I've tried everything to make her feel comfortable (i.e. don't go on trips to see Europe because she has a problem with it, talk to her for hours a day on the phone, don't go to the gym on weekends (because she says it's out of my patter), etc. She pitches a fit when I go grocery shopping. All of the accusations are driving me crazy and now causes me to blow up. She has threatened divorce and moving back to California multiple times because (even she admits) she hates to be challenged at all. She butts heads with me and our daughters all the time because she is always right and everybody is out to annoy her.

LAst night, we got into an argument about my Facebook account. I don't post on there often but I go on there about 2-3 times a week just to see what friends post. I like having it because I can keep contact with old friends and send a quick message without calling. She is on there daily multiple times a day. She sees when I go on there and calls me over in Germany instantly just to say she saw me on there which is usually about 5-10 minutes. Anyway, she was wondering why I even have an account if I don't post everyday. She feels I'm inboxing females or blocking her from seeing my friends' posts on my wall. But there aren't any because I don't do it often. I told her that I cannot see posts on her wall from all of her friends either; it's a Facebook thing I guess. I even offered to close the account. She felt I could just create one she doesn't know about and email people at work or home. This debate went for hours and ended with her saying she wants to end the marriage.

I know I probably should move on anyway but how? I don't want to be away from my kids, particularly my son. It will kill him if we break up. Now she's trying to force me to retire and move to California if I want to see my son on a regular basis. She knows he's everything to me. What should I do?

[Trevor]

1. What jumps out at people who employ logic is the cognitive dissonance between suggesting your wife is "extremely jealous and controlling" and her demand that you leave the country where, logically, you could cheat on her every day without her having the slightest knowledge of it or leveraging the least bit of control. Occam's Razor suggests that there were other reasons she wants you out of the picture. The first one apparent to me is Projection. She's accusing you of infidelity while she's the one with the scuffed up knees and the soiled chin.

2. If her threatened accusations were baseless, why would you accept your tour in Germany, where you have no chance of hanging with your kids? What was your fear if you knew her allegations were BS?

3. I would love a chance to get back to Europe. This may be your last chance to see it for a while. Don't miss on a great life-experience opportunity cos you married a wack-job. Live your life in a way that allows you to rest at night knowing you are decent and honest and doing what's best for the kids. Seeing other countries is an experience that arguably gives you a denser human experience, which can benefit the kids. As long as you know you're doing nothing wrong, go see the world. same for the gym (you certainly need to stay fit, esp if your stress is high).

4. If you insist on keeping your FB account open (it seems like you have a decent grip on using it sensibly) then lock it down hard so she can't see anything. Again, as long as your conscience is clear, you're not doing anything wrong, and you're not provoking her intentionally, then live your life as a normal adult would.

5. Seems to me you need to control her access to you. If she starts acting like a moron during a call, ask to speak to the kids then hang up after talking with them. You aren't obligated to waste your time listening to abuse just cos you married her.

6. While you're in Germany I don't think she can divorce you. But from the sound of it, seems that she sucks as a wife and probably not much better as a mom, so you shoould probably take time to make sure you know all your rights and resources from a military standpoint, be ready to take steps if she decides to rip out the kids' roots and move to CA, and ready yourself for shutting down your emotional connection to thei piece of work.

7. She can't force you to do anything you're not granting her permission to demand of you.

[dacoming]

Thanks for your reply! I made a mistake taking the assignment and should have called her bluff. She had nothing on me because I've never cheated or did anything to her. She's a pretty good mom in regard to caring for them and prtecting them; she makes sure they have everything. The problem is that depends on who she's with as she's barely worked her entire life. She also is too soft and has let them get away with everything; they are all spoiled. Now my stepdaughters are 24 and 21 and have no sense of responsibility because she overruled me, mostly behind my back even about going to school. They used to miss so many days. I don't allow that with my son but she has wised up in that aspect because our girls are just about ruined. My son is one thing I've always put my foot down with.

She calls me all the time blaming me for something. I went to see a psychiatrist and she told me that I was owning my wife's issues; she's projecting them on me and I need to reject it. I know I'm not doing the things she accuses me of and I should basically let it roll off my back. It's hard because she knows how to push my buttons; it bothers me to be labeled a cheater when I'm the furthest thing from that.

She will likely call me tonight or tomorrow blaming me for not fighting for the marriage. She does all of this stuff and then she wants me to beg her to stay. She calls that making her feel like a lady. I call it crazy because it happens almost every week. Sometimes I think she is bi-polar.

[capslock]

Sounds like my ex. Projection.

Look into the divorce challenges for men in Colorado. I have read on this board that it is the most expensive for men in terms of alimony and child support. Plan accordingly. Good luck.

[CCR]

I suggest the OP read up on borderline personality disorder and decide if it fits. If so, there are several books out there on how to effectively deal with a BPD spouse. I saw several of the 9 criteria in the original post.

[Trevor]

Let some calls go to voice mail. No point listening to her rubbish.

Listen to your psych. You can't own someone else's problems unless they're your minor children. While you're at it, you should ask your psych for tools and strategies to let lies and deception roll off your back.

No other person could accuse you of the stupid things your wife is saying and get you riled up, cos you'd conclude they were just idiots. Based on what you have written (and assuming it's accurate), I can't imagine you not thinking your wife is at least an idiot...yet you fall right into her manipulation. WTFU.

I can't imagine why something that is completely untrue would bother you. Read a bit on emotional intelligence to help you make better decisions in between stimulus (her BS provocation) and response (you feeling hurt by her BS). This is something you can fix, and I suggest you get your arms around this very soon. You're gonna need it.

[dacoming]

Trevor, I plan to address exactly that with my therapist. I usually start off our conversations by ignoring her but she presses and presses until I get mad. Then she turns the whole thing around on me like I was the one that blew up and she can't express her thoughts to me unless they are positive. We had this issue with the Facebook argument. I did not get upset with her questioning me; I got bothered with her attacking my comprehension. She would mention something like "I see you on Facebook when you are at work" when the only time she saw that anytime in recent memory was when I went on there the morning after my birthday to thank everyone for the birthday wishes. When I addressed that or any other "example" she brought up, she got mad and said I seem to have comprehension issues because she wasn't talking about that. But SHE brought it up! I just addressed it because it's a bunch of BS. She baits me into these arguments and now claims she wants a divorce because my communication skills are terrible. She actually called me about 30 minutes ago to ask me how to delete a friend off of Facebook and then deleted me. She's always trying to get a reaction out of me. She told me not to call her unless it's to discuss something important; call my son on his cell phone. But she keeps calling me commenting that she's sick and tired of being the man in the relationship and chasing me. She always insults my manhood when I've been dealing with this BS for years. She feels a real man would just let her be a woman and say what she wants to say and not debate with her. When I don't say anything, she gets mad at that too. Then if I don't answer the phone, it gets ugly.

[Txbizman]

Your probably dealing with the "Jezebel Spirit" read up on it and how to deal with it.


Does she sound like any of these traits?



Deceiver

This spirit works in "private", people outside her circle hardly know her manoeuvring and are an easy pray for manipulation. Those that are possessed by her tend to defend her from any form of criticism. Like many men today defend feminism.

 

Self Worship

Internally Jezebel worships herself even though externally she may portray a picture of humility and submission. She is very proud of herself and extremely vain, and in her pride can only talk about herself. They are usually very attractive and they use that to seduce their victims.

 

Jealous

She cannot suffer other getting attention over herself and she will do all she can to prevent others receiving attention and recognition. If one gets between Jezebel and the person she is trying to control, she'll attack most viciously, trying her best to destroy that relationship with that person. She will try and destroy his reputation, undermine his authority and generally stop at nothing to separate anyone from her intended "victim". Beware!

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Others

Her expectations of others are always unrealistic, because others cannot meet her demand for complete submission. If they do try, she despises them and casts them aside when she has what she wants out of them. Anyone attempting to relate to a person with this spirit is literally in a "no-win situation". Nothing pleases this spirit.

 

Seduction, Control, Manipulation

Control and manipulation are the strongest parts of the Jezebel nature. These are "spirits of witchcraft" and are extremely dangerous! Nearly everything the Jezebel does utilizes one or both spirits to attain her goal. Jezebel is the ultimate manipulator. The adulterous woman says: "This is the way of an adulteress: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I have done no wrong."" (Pro 30:20)

 

Self-pity

She uses self-pity and her own weaknesses to manipulate another into submitting to her out of compassion or pity. Feeling sorry for Jezebel, is not compassion, it's folly!

Even though often very gifted of the Lord, the Jezebel will frequently operate in the false discernment of the enemy by speaking words of knowledge gained from familiar spirits, and NOT from the Spirit of God. This is "witchcraft". The power of witchcraft is derived from Satan himself and every attempt at manipulation or control "sells out" more to Satan and strengthens the deception the Jezebel is under

She will even use prayer to manipulate the one she is attempting to control, especially audible prayed over that person to create the illusion, that doing Jezebel's will is actually "obeying God", or to generate fear or other emotion within the person which the Jezebel can then use for manipulation of them.

This is what Rev 2:20 is all about.

 

Convinced

While Jezebel's beliefs system is obviously incorrect and evil, they are very firmly held beliefs.

Jezebels are usually people of deep convictions. As mentioned earlier, many people controlled by the Jezebel spirit have a true heart for God and earnestly desire to serve him. The original Jezebel (the Spirit's first noteworthy in queen of Israel) was devoutly religious, but was at total enmity with God. She worshipped at the altar of Baal (worship of the flesh). Modern day Jezebels may indeed believe they are serving the one true God; however, the true hidden agenda is "self-worship". In many cases they have a Private Interpretation on the Bible, but they will vehemently insist they are correct.

 

Murmuring, Complaint, and Criticism

Murmuring and complaint and criticism a type of spirit very popular everywhere, especially in the church, which one of the spirit most used by the evil one. She uses criticism of perceived faults in others to build up her own self-esteem, and to justify her disobedience of, or lack of respect for, others. Because she tends to perfectionism, any fault she finds in others is grounds for disobeying their authority. She uses criticism as a tool to manipulate those around her, and along with murmuring and complaint, causes divisiveness to weaken her opposition and thereby to gain control over and to destroy them.

 

Infirmities and Disease

Jezebels frequently enjoy people's (including their own) poor health, especially the "Low-profile" type. For them, it is a tool for attention, sympathy and other forms of manipulation. The tragedy is that this form of "invited infirmity" eventually leads to real physical problems, and becomes a part of the destruction wrought on the host by this spirit, but it serves to further Jezebel's ends, not to weaken her.

Have you ever felt insecure? Be careful, Jezebel loves to delve in the realm of insecurity. She will spot this in you "instantly" and then the seduction begins.

 

Destruction

In addition to destroying those around her, Jezebel especially hates the prey she is controlling (remember the mission of Jezebel is to kill the prophets: the victim is often herself anointed of God to be prophetic), and will ultimately cause her victim to self-destruct. This is referred to as the "Black Widow spider syndrome" since black widow spiders kill their mates. In the spirit realm, there are two applications: 1. the Jezebel spirit seeks to kill the male authority figures (or prophets) and 2. She seeks to kill her victim, which is mated to her when Jezebel takes control of their life.

 

Cursing

Jezebels curse everyone, unwittingly bringing a curse upon themselves, most of the time. Criticism is a form of cursing, both of the person being criticized, and of God their Maker. Murmuring and complaint is a cursing of circumstances, which also curses God for allowing them. Jezebel is a master of criticism, murmuring and complaint, as mentioned previously. Often those whom she is at enmity with are deliberately cursed in a conscious effort to "punish" and "bring them back into line" to bring them back under her control. Jezebel firmly believes she has right on her side in doing these things, and displays vicious and callous disregard for the well-being and independence of others, having convinced herself that it is ultimately for their good as well and that she knows best and really has their best interests at heart in doing so. Those people who have been on the receiving side of Jezebel's curses feel the anger and the viciousness other curses acutely and many succumb to them. However, for those under the "protection of the Cross", these curses are most often transformed into blessings instead, leaving Jezebel sapped of emotional energy, frustrated, confused and completely defeated; wondering what went wrong.

[dacoming]

Txbiz, I can definitely see some of those. She told me out of her mouth that men chase her, she doesn't chase men. A real man to her is someone who lets her have her way and overlooks the vicious things she may say. According to her, I was like this for years and then suddenly changed for no reason. So she accuses me of talking to other women or cheating. That is not the case. Other than to the psych and one of my male friends, I haven't opened up to anyone about her. She feels that she always does things to show how much she loves me and she thought I was bigger than that to get offended by her comments. "That's how she is and she does it to everyone not me...I should accept her for the way she is as she accepts me despite all of my bad ways." Yesterday she told me my ways disgust her and I'm not strong enough to be with her.

[Trevor]

Her idea of what constitutes a "real man" is totally ignorant. If she is totally hot and twenty-something and is beyond awesome in bed, she probably can find a "real man" like she wants, who will take all her BS, let her do anything she wants, and limit himself to lapdog status. That would be a very stupid and shallow man, in my opinion.

Do you think this is a smart way to live your life?

Do you think it's smart to sit there while she runs illogical rhetorical loops around you? Why do you bother to answer your phone?