Needing advice - Please help

[Kruss]

Hello,

I have been browsing your forums for a few days now, and I have reviewed the list. I signed up today because I feel you guys can give me some help. I apologize if the focus of my writing is scattered. I'm very upset at the moment.

My current situation is that my wife and I are not legally separated, and no one has filed for divorce.

We are both living in the martial home, but she has told me that she wants out of the relationship. She has also told me that she wants the home, kids, alimony, child support. Also, she wants me to get out of the house by Saturday cause she is changing the locks.

We have been married for 16 years, and I still love my wife. I have asked for both of us to do counseling individual and/or separate. She has refused. We have 3 kids, and I'm the only one who works. We live paycheck to paycheck. We have no savings. I'm concerned for our kids. We just barely get by.

I live in Mississippi, and I'm the primary listed for our house. Can she kick me out? What can I do to protect my family?

Thank you for any advice you can give.

[Fatheroffour]

Don't move out of the house.

Get an MP3 recorder TODAY before you go home. Use it while around your wife at all times to protect yourself from false DV charges and getting kicked out of the house. It that happens it's a long expensive battle to get back to your starting point.

Don't argue with your wife.

Review the links in my signature.

[Kruss]

Thank you for your quick response.

I will go pick up a MP3 recorder today and review your links.

[defaultuser]

You need to read the list again, because when you don't move out, you will be looking at false accusations of domestic violence. Get a good recorder today and start using it whenever you are around her.

Your next step is to financially separate yourself from your wife. Your goal is to get her working as soon as possible. Cancel as many credit cards as possible. Turn off all unnecessary luxuries like cable TV, internet access, her cell phone, etc. If you cut her cell phone, make sure that you have a land line at home she can use. Give her zero money. You do all the grocery shopping (make sure you don't buy anything she likes). You can give her a Walmart gift card for $20 a week or something so she can purchase personal items.

Take all your money out of your bank account, and open a new one. Move your paycheck deposit to your account with your name only on it.

When she freaks, tell her that you simply can't afford to pay for this stuff and you will be taking over the finances. Suggest that she go and get a job if she wants to have cable TV internet, or cash money. This should help you save money for an attorney, which you're going to need.

Also, you need to create a safe place in the home. Get a spare bedroom, office or whatever and put new locks with a deadbolt on it. Keep it locked at all times, but be aware that she will probably break in, so don't keep anything important in there. This way, you can be separated without moving out. You may choose to just take over the master bedroom. Move her stuff out into the spare room and put locks on the door.

Next, start spending as much time as possible with your kids. You don't need her permission. Just do it. When you get home from work, collect the kids and take them to the park or whatever. When she freaks, just ignore her. Don't engage, as anytime you raise your voice, she will claim you're being violent. Document everything you do for the kids. Document everything you buy for the kids. Groceries, clothes, etc.

Most importantly, stop talking to your wife. If you suspect an affair, which is likely here, then research if cheating will help with alimony in your state. If it will, you probably want to hire a PI to document the cheating. This will be the only reason that you should be interested in her sexual activity, except that you should make it easy for her to find new love because that will reduce her interest in you and the kids.

If you want to minimize child support, alimony, and see your kids often, please follow this advice. Getting her working will prove that she can work, which will seriously impact alimony. Spending time and money on your kids will provide evidence that you take part in your children's upbringing and the court will allow this to continue post divorce.

If you want to save your marriage, understand that isn't up to you. When she see's the cold hard reality of divorce, and the fact that you won't roll over, and he husband actually has a pair of balls, she may reconsider.

Good luck. Welcome to the club.

[Trevor]

One more thing...stop having sex with her. Do not get her pregnant or risk a sexual assault charge.

[Kruss]

Thank you for the quick responses.

I don't think not having sex with her will be an issue. We haven't been intimate for some time which is why I want to do counseling.

As far as the finances, it is pretty messed up at the moment. My wife and I have a mix of accounts for different services. For example, I have the mortgage in my name while she has the utilities in her name. This happened because back when we were a team, she helped by setting up some of the accounts while I was working when we moved into our current home 6 years ago.

I will get the direct deposit switched to my individual account today.

The safe place in the home is pretty messed up as well. We have only a 1500 sq foot house, and the interior doors are not very strong.

I plan on keeping a journal of all the activities I do with my kids. I'm certain I will fill it up because I'm always doing stuff with my kids.

She has not even tried to look for work for years, and she is very capable. In the past, everytime I have asked for help financially, she says it's my responsibility as a husband to provide.

I want to protect my family, and I appreciate all the advice you have given. Thank you.

[Anything4Her]

The advice you have received is absolutely rock solid. Keep us informed as to how it is going.
Your wife is about to find our that what she *wants* isn't how it will happen.

wants out of the relationship

She can have that.

she wants the home, kids, alimony, child support. Also, she wants me to get out of the house by Saturday

She can't have any of that.

Best of luck.

[Fatheroffour]

The safe place in the home is pretty messed up as well. We have only a 1500 sq foot house, and the interior doors are not very strong.

If she is the one going around busting down doors in fits of rage then that (should) work to your advantage by having her removed from the home while the children stay in their familiar surroundings to be upset as little as possible during the divorce process.

Get in the frame of mind of keeping everything kid-centric while not bowing down to your wife. Sure, she wants you out and to pay for everything. That's not going to happen and when she tried to make home life miserable you are documenting it and hoping to use it to get her removed while you stay and care for the kids.

You can't control her but you do have control on how you react to her.

Stay strong.

[Chosen2Dad]

OP,

We all feel your pain. At all costs, don't move out of the house. As FoF and others have said, keep a recorder on you. I bought an MP3 separately, but I was using my cell phone at the beginning. now I have both. One is with me at all times.

I have been spending as much time with my S2 as possible. Unfortunately, it locks down after I get home with him for dinner and she is there. I don't need to start any fights.

Radio silence is golden. Don't talk to her at all. They talk about locking things up, if you can, do it. I only spend time in my bedroom and my media room. The rooms don't have locks. I locked up my computers finally. I was a little careless with that and I am sure they went through my browsing history if they had time. I also delete that everyday and/or every time I am done on the internet.

Stay strong! DON'T MOVE OUT! DON'T TALK TO HER! MOST IMPORTANT, SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR KIDS!

We're with you!

[Kruss]

Thank you for all the advice.

I greatly appreciate the support.