Wife moved out of Apt with Kids... need advice..

[liky0001]

I live in MN. My wife and I have been married for about 11 years. She has recently moved out of the apt with my 3 kids. She said she needed space. However, I can sense there is no real want to reconnect with me, and suspect she is going to ask for some sort of divorce or separation at the end of the summer. She told me she will decide what she is doing next by the end of this summer.
She is a good mother, and I am good father. I am in a local Tech College now and about a Year and a half out from getting my degree. At which point I will make more then her and my degree does not dead end so in a couple more years I can apply to a Masters program and make even more money. My wife is works in a salon and makes as much as I currently do now. Also I am a Vet. I have yet to use my GI home loan. When should I think about using this or should I?
What can I do to put myself in the best possible situation to win physical custody of the kids so they can reside with me?

[minuette]

She has recently moved out of the apt with my 3 kids.

You need to focus on getting the kids back into the home immediately. Google for fathers rights attorneys in your locale, interview several, pick one and beg/borrow/steal enough to retain counsel. The longer she is out of the house with the kids, the less chance you have of getting significant parenting time down the road, especially if you get stuck with a mommy-biased judge.

You need to think at both a tactical AND strategic level right now, which is going to be tough given that you're working and going to school to boot. She outflanked you by moving out with the kids, and I guarantee there's a Mr. Wonderful in the wings. She is probably waiting to see if Mr. Wonderful will last before filing for divorce - but she has probably spoken to a lawyer. Try your damnedest to regain the tactical advantage - get the kids back into the home, get your life squared away to operate without her, defend and steward your resources as best you can (close joint accounts, open a new accounts in your name only, place a 90-day fraud alert on your file with all three credit reporting agencies so she cannot open accounts in your name without your knowledge and authorization).

A home purchase can wait until after the divorce; way back when, I purchased a home when I was separated from my husband, but we actually got along fine and he had no problem signing the quitclaim. You, on the other hand, are looking at a world of trouble if you try to execute a home purchase before your marriage is dissolved.

[liky0001]

I have been working to get the kids back in the home. I am getting more and more time with them. I would say almost 35% of the time they spend the night with me. I also pick them up from daycare or care for them when I am not working or at school. In reality other then spending the night with me. I do spend about 50% of the time with them. Does this help? I do not see any way of getting the children back in the house with out taking to hostile measures, in which would not give me a economic advantage.

[Fatheroffour]

You say she is a good mother. I guess that means she changes diapers on time and feeds the kids when they're hungry. You can get that from a babysitter. Good moms don't cut good dads out of their kids lives so we'll see how good of a mom she is in the near future.

You need to know that when you go to court it is highly unlikely you will get more time than you have if she is a 'good mom' so if you want more time you need to take it now if you want to keep it later.

You should review the links in my signature.

[jumbledone]

You're allowing her to be gatekeeper. Stop it.

You should have it the other way: 65% of the overnights with you. Just because you see them on a near daily basis WON'T help you in MN. At a bare minimum, you need to get your overnights to at least 45.1%, and if possible, to 55.1%. The CS scheme here breaks at 45.1%, assuming that is essentially 50/50, and the rates are much lower.

So, how do you acheive that? As nicely or as sternly as you want to. Simply inform her that the kids are with you such and such nights, don't allow her to dictate the nights. Find your manly bits from her nightstand, and put'em back in.

[Txbizman]

She needs her "space"

"space" translation= new dude


Just a guess (an educated one at that) she's found greener pastures. When and if you find this to be true, don't blow your lid. In fact don't even let her know you know.... Define your goals now while your head is clear and don't compromise.

[BartSimpson]

She needs her "space"

"space" translation= new dude

Just a guess (an educated one at that) she's found greener pastures. When and if you find this to be true, don't blow your lid. In fact don't even let her know you know.... Define your goals now while your head is clear and don't compromise.

This is what I thought when I saw it. Bet there is some serious Facebooking going on.

Whenever a modern woman "needs space", it with the long range goal of establishing another relationship. It does nothing to reconcile the relationship she is in, rather, it sets up the back story of being separated and allows for her to chase the next man.

Compounded with the "I'll make my decision at some later date" when the decision is obviously made - she moved out - and she is on track for the classic status quo divorce with Dad serving as an ATM.

How do you eat an elephant? You take small bites. Over the summer she will reset the goal posts further and further away, with impossible odds for Dad to meet her goals. She will then blame the continuing problems on Dad's inability to meet her goals - and often she will make Dad's response to her bad behavior out to be worse than her bad behavior itself.

She will tease him with talk of coming home - if Dad does this or that - usually requiring that he give her more money or more control over the kids.

It's an absolutely no-win situation that should be met with filing for divorce. Read "the list", cut off all voluntary financial assistance, and play hardball. This is not a situation that will be fixed by kindness and compassion.

[hoosier_dad]

Where did she move to? In with boyfriend, in with parents, how far away?

End of summer usually translates to living in her new location long enough to meet residency requirements to file divorce in that jurisdiction. Fighting a custody battle is tough enough, doing it long distance is impossible.

You should be making documented requests for her to return your children to the marital home immediately. You want to show the court that you objected to the move, you are clearly not OK with her unilaterally removing the children from the marital home and their Father. But IMO you will need to file for divorce and the immediate return of your children to the marital home soon or you will be defaulted to EOW parenting time.

[Trevor]

I do not see any way of getting the children back in the house with out taking to hostile measures, in which would not give me a economic advantage.

You're a vet (unless you meant -erinarian) so I suspect you will anticipate the question regarding your impression of the friendliness of her ripping out the kids from not only your life but thiers as well. What is a soldier trained to do in response to hostile provocation? [Rhet.] I cannot think of a more hostile act than removing the kids, and a more kid-friendly act than taking necessary steps to get them home again.

These are your kids we're talking about. Getting them back into the marital home is imperative, not only for their security and psychological comfort, but also for your legal case. They are not her luggage so she can't be allowed to get away with this...you need to file immediately for their return to their homes so they can sleep in their beds at night.

[liky0001]

Ty for the great advice. I have read the list and have started to journal everything.

I will try to work out having the kids spend the night at least 51% of the time also. This is solid advice.

If and when she decides she no longer wishes to stay married, should I try to keep her happy and make sure I have the kids over night at least 51% of the time till I graduate in 2014 or should I drop the D bomb asap. More so will my Journal be enough to establish I have had the kids at least 51% of the time since she left our home.

I will make sure to note in my journal that I want the kids returned home. This is good advice.

Please keep it coming, I have a feeling I will need all of it.