This is the hardest thing ever....

[Here_We_Go]

...the relationship you would have after cheating goes on, is not worth having....

+1
learn from my two year mistake of forgiveness. be thankful it is over now rather than dragging on.

[keko]

I frequent the infidelity sites and the norm is wayward spouse's regret their decision around the time divorce is finalized. The reason I see is they no longer have a free babysitter to look after the kids and a doormat to help the bills.

[Bubba Seal]

To the OP, I felt like you do at one time, yesterday had a crazy run in with my ex, she started going off on me just like old times, which I felt was normal for a long period of time, you know the blameshifting stuff, it was my fault, none of her own.

But I can say that I just dont give it a second thought anymore, she wasnt happy with me, she wasnt before she got with me and she probably will never be happy, I feel I am happy and moving on with my life in a positive direction, but I dont feel that it has anything to do with her anymore.

Like FOF said live your life the way you want to live it, you are in charge of your point of view, not the the ex, not anyone, all that comes after divorce, good or bad is your decision to make.

I hope one day you can look back on things the way I do, after a few monthes of getting along well with me ex, she really really showed her < hindquarters > again, which made me feel better when I thought of it later, cause I told her look if its nothing to do with the kids, then I no longer have to listen to all of this, and I dont.


Good Luck

[Trevor]

1. It's gonna get harder before it gets easier. That's why you need to work hard on switching off your emotional triggers now. Your inability to master your emotions presently is understandable, but know that the longer they rule you, the more pain you will have to endure, and the longer you'll be less than 100% for the kids...and they need you at 100% now.

2. No one ever wants a divorce. But you, amigo, need one. And your kids aren't gettting one, it's being imposed upon them, so you need to help guide them through the treacherous waters as safely as you can. Whether your STBX will do a good job with the kids on her side of the story is another question...one you can't hope to answer, so don't waste your time worrying about it for now. You need to work on you.

3. Some people can really overcome the violation of trust that infidelity bears. But I couldn't do that, there were too many scars, too many flagrant violations, and too long a period of destruction and ill-will. However, you simply cannot forgive unilaterally without some effort toward reconciliation by her, accompanied by honest remorse and demonstration of renewed commitment to the marriage and family. To forgive without that clear demonstration and commitment is very stupid and desperate. Women don't like desperate. And desperate is a lousy foundation for any kind of relationship.

4. Similarly, blaming yourself for the demise of the marriage when she, as the purported "offendee" of some mysterious and undisclosed crime on your part, refuses to inform you of things that make her unhappy, is a worthless exercise. Silence about grievances is not how married adults deal with things that bother them. And refusing to deal with problems as an adult does not absolve her of responsibility for the end of the marriage, and her belief that it does, makes her behavior pathetic. Be ready for her to claim that she tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen.

5. You need to deconstruct yourself and rebuild from the foundation. Search the forums with the keyword "reconstruction" or "peart" and you'll find a number of times I listed steps of rebuilding yourself. Do this carefully, deliberately, and relentlessly. Your kids will benefit from the better you that will emerge.

6. Eat well, exercise, think, learn, be a great Dad. See your doctor if you are suffering anxiety to the point that sleep deprivation and appetite loss are occurring. Counseling may be a good idea too...marriage counseling if your STBX is deciding to commit to the marriage again, but if not, then individual counseling geared specifically toward tools to cope with anxiety, switching off emotions (or burning them off in healthy ways), and parenting the kids though divorce.

7. If the kids ask, say something like "your mother and I are not getting along any more and will soon be living in two places close to here; you will spend time with both of us. This is not your fault and we love you still and always." Add other stuff as age-appropriate content makes sense. Don't disparage mom even if she trashes you to the kids. If she does, they would benefit from counseling. Bottom line...insulate your kids from the ugliness of divorce. Limit their information to age-appropriate "need to know" stuff like "mom is moving to an apartment this weekend."

8. Stop worrying about whether she still thinks of you from time to time. Forget comparing your misery stick against hers. She will be coached by her cadre of divorced hens that she should play up like she is having the time of her life. Let her. Just be a great Dad for the kids and they'll see which parent is their rock. Be the rock, dude.

9. Final isn't always "final" bro. All your questions will never be answered. Stop giving a f*^# about the answers to most of them, and you'll start feeling better. It's hard but necessary. Look forward to a life with the kids and your new, revitalized self. As to where to begin, #6 above and then #5 are great starts. It's an investment that can't wait any longer. GO.

[tom kirkpatrick]

Trust me, Bro!! I've been in your shoes. I've paid my dues.

If you let it, this thing will destroy you. More important than divorce however, this is also a litmus test of who your friends really are. Friends I knew since childhood became strangers overnight. T'was a bitter pill to swallow and a hard lesson to learn. Funny how that works.

The best thing you can do right now is to get connected with a dad's support group. Make new friends. Share what you've learned. The all-important thing is that you'll find that you're not alone.

Tom

[blcprc]

It's funny you say that.... When I am around her family, the one's that have loved me for years, and treated me like I was blood, treat me and look at me like some kind of murderer! I have to see them on a weekly basis. If they only new my side!

I was supposed to be my sons baseball coach along with my stbx two brothers. Now I sit on the bleachers while her dad teaches my son the fundamentals of ball! He apparently took my position as coach! And there is always now a big family reunion for her at every game. I don't care, I try to hold my head hi! I'm so proud of my son when he plays ball, he does everything that I have taught him in the evenings!

It's strange with our closest friends we had as a couple. I still stay very close with them and she has totally deserted them! Not sure why? I did notice that she has become physically attached to her older sister and her group of friends! Partying and hitting the bars when she doesn't have the boys! Not that I care!

I just think this is all so amazing how people changed over night! I would just like to tell her family two things: 1. You haven't heard my side, and 2. You had better get used to me, cause this ain't going nowhere, and I'm gonna be here for every aspect of my children's lives, even if they one day become a parent!!

[capslock]

Not to pick at you but if I was you I would not let anyone push me or intimidate me out of involvement with child. That goes for coaching or anything else. The only scenario I can imagine that allowed you to be pushed out as a baseball coach is if your ex's family runs the team. Even if that is the case, I would have certified mail to them asking to be involved, sent an R3 to the ex asking to get me involved, talked to the league commissioner, showed up with my glove at every practice, etc.
Don't let them bully you in the future. Stand up for your right to be at least equally involved in all your child does.

[stretchkr]

Well I'm in the exact same situation, and at first I had all the same questions and was spiraling out of control. Then I stopped worrying about her, and worried about my kids, and myself. I began focusing the attention I was giving her, trying to win her back and be good for her, and put it toward the kids, and after awhile, I realized, I did nothing wrong. Likely you didn't do anything worng either. Your wife just fell in where all other wives that cheat do. Just focus on the kids, be a superdad, and you will soon not give < edited > all about her feelings and what she is doing, and especially what you supposedly did wrong.