Am I Wrong to Be Thinking Divorce is My Best Option?

[e_stamford]

Over the weekend a divorced female friend gave me "the lecture she wished someone had given her before she divorced". She effectively told me that I don't have it bad enough to divorce, in light of being parents to a 3 year old child. Married almost 10 years. Together 11+ yrs. Never been in love with the W. We found one another due to mutual emotional unavailability. Both W and I have admitted to never really/fully committing to the relationship. W "loves me". We don't fight. Our home is silent. Relationship has no depth. We could be deemed “friends”(?). I have been working with a therapist on my emotional unavailability for 6 years. Invited the wife with me on the journey 6 years ago and she refused. I cheated and got caught. (Well caught once.) You know the story. Didn’t mean to. Needed the connection. W wants the marriage to remain.

Been in couples therapy for a year. Relationship is in a lock step rut. We have no emotional compatibility. I believe we will never break through to having a relationship with depth and that is about more than the fact that "we leave each other alone". I know this isn’t enough for me because I'm constantly lonely and in search of a distraction. I'm not delusionally chasing love, but rather the idea that there has to be more to life. The thought of divorcing my wife does not provoke even the slightest emotional reaction in me. Financially I will recover, however inconvenient it'll be. The idea of "divorcing my daughter" or only being in her life only part time (practically speaking) moves me to tears. Do I stay for the relationship with my daughter and embrace a lifetime of relationship silence (and inadvertently live out my cheating ways) ?

I know many will have the urge to tell me that I'm not divorcing my daughter, but the reality is that divorce will cause that I no longer see her every morning and evening, and that alone hurts like hell.

Thanks in advance. Let me know if you need more info regarding this bizarre marriage of mine, which incidentally makes us seem like the “perfect couple” to all on the outside.

[dobradavid]

Any emotional connection issues are going to be present in a new relationship - eventually.

Your friend gave you good advice. I would have loved to have a marriage situation like yours. try waking up in the middle of the night with your "wife" raining blows on you. Or having her visit your place of work to try to get you fired.

"Some people can learn by reading a book. Some people can learn from watching others. And some people just have to pee on the electric fence to see for themselves." - Will Rogers.

Over the weekend a divorced female friend gave me "the lecture she wished someone had given her before she divorced". She effectively told me that I don't have it bad enough to divorce, in light of being parents to a 3 year old child. Married almost 10 years. Together 11+ yrs. Never been in love with the W. We found one another due to mutual emotional unavailability. Both W and I have admitted to never really/fully committing to the relationship. W "loves me". We don't fight. Our home is silent. Relationship has no depth. We could be deemed “friends”(?). I have been working with a therapist on my emotional unavailability for 6 years. Invited the wife with me on the journey 6 years ago and she refused. I cheated and got caught. (Well caught once.) You know the story. Didn’t mean to. Needed the connection. W wants the marriage to remain.

Been in couples therapy for a year. Relationship is in a lock step rut. We have no emotional compatibility. I believe we will never break through to having a relationship with depth and that is about more than the fact that "we leave each other alone". I know this isn’t enough for me because I'm constantly lonely and in search of a distraction. I'm not delusionally chasing love, but rather the idea that there has to be more to life. The thought of divorcing my wife does not provoke even the slightest emotional reaction in me. Financially I will recover, however inconvenient it'll be. The idea of "divorcing my daughter" or only being in her life only part time (practically speaking) moves me to tears. Do I stay for the relationship with my daughter and embrace a lifetime of relationship silence (and inadvertently live out my cheating ways) ?

I know many will have the urge to tell me that I'm not divorcing my daughter, but the reality is that divorce will cause that I no longer see her every morning and evening, and that alone hurts like hell.

Thanks in advance. Let me know if you need more info regarding this bizarre marriage of mine, which incidentally makes us seem like the “perfect couple” to all on the outside.

[Fatheroffour]

How important is it to see your daughter every day?

there has to be more to life

Not really. It's whatever you make of it.

[e_stamford]

She's my life. Truly the love of my life.

But can she grow up happily with two parents that are at best tollerating one another? and a father that is deriving his primary emotionally enjoyment on the downlow?

To the first poster, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry for your pain. I am grateful that I dont have crazy on my hands. At the same time I'm not certain that we aren't comparing apples to oranges.

[RC211V]

You have to decide if you want to be with your daughter every day or not see your wife every day. Maybe you could somehow find a way to do both, but the odds are not good that you could divorce your wife and get primary custody of your kid.

So figure out a way to make being with your wife more enjoyable if you want to be with your kid a lot and not have a crappy relationship.

[Fatheroffour]

But can she grow up happily with two parents that are at best tollerating one another?

Can she grow up happy living in two homes, with both parents and step parents, both of which will bring their own set of challenges?

The answer is probably yes to both.


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So, how does the thought of a stepdad in the picture hit you? One that she sees as much or more than you?

[secondhalf]

Are you prepared for a lifetime of seeing your daughter struggle between being with mom or being with dad? Are you prepared for the sadness you will see in your daughter's eyes everytime she has to switch her living arrangements? Are you prepared to potentially be an every other weekend father to your daughter? Are you prepared for the potential onslaught of directed hatred from your ex? Are you prepared for the potential alientation caused by things your ex might say about you to your daughter?

I cheated and got caught. (Well caught once.)

You cheated? You cheated more than ONCE? There is absolutely no room in a relationship for a cheater, IMO. I'm surprised your wife hasn't left you. But I guess she forgave you for the time you cheated and was caught. Or maybe she hasn't. Perhaps that is why your relationship with her is so cold. Or perhaps you just have a hard time finding happiness. Afterall, you apparently jump from bed to bed.

[Fatheroffour]

Desire to meet a basic human need doesn't equal jumping bed to bed.

[jumbledone]

Not wrong, but normal.

You put on a long elaborate defense including mutual unavailability. This is not about her so much as it is about you. You're unavailable. If you are unavailable, whoever you are trying to be in relationship will be unavailable, too.

Time to change that equation. One way is to completely become unavailable (divorce), and that's the easy route. The other route is to become available, to spend time in the relationship. Kiddo goes to grands for a week, you and wife have time to yourself, schedule no activities other than with each other. Maybe go to an intense couples retreat. But that will be hard work, and it will be scary to open yourself up.

I would give anything to not be going through a divorce, to go back to what you describe. I have friends, relatives, etc., that I can emotionally connect to, and take care of that need. Once everything is final, I will never be able to connect to my kids on a deep level daily (wake them up in the morning like I did today, or put them to bed every day).

My basic psychoanalysis is that you truly aren't developing bonds with people you are cheating with, and you're chasing tail because it makes you feel [something], but I can pretty much assure you it isn't an emotional bond. Open yourself up to your surroundings, go into counseling and drop a big emotional bomb you normally avoid talking with your wife about. Then work through that emotional bomb. You have the power to change your relationship, now you just need to find the will. And then you don't have to choose between wife and child.

[secondhalf]

Desire to meet a basic human need doesn't equal jumping bed to bed.

True.... However the OP does admit to having more than one affair during his marriage. Therefore, it seems to me that the OP is as much or more to blame for the lack of intimacy in the marriage. I also hold to my feelings that the wife is perhaps unwilling to let go of the "caught" affair.