Am I Wrong to Be Thinking Divorce is My Best Option?

[Groundhogday]

If you're going off from my arguments that it is better for kids to be raised in a healthy home, show me the verified studies. Until then, empirical data across the board is at your finger tips that kids do better when raised by *original* parents in a single home.

Yes, they do. But this aggregate data doesn't tell you what is best for the kids in the subset of poorly functioning marriages.

[jumbledone]

If you're going off from my arguments that it is better for kids to be raised in a healthy home, show me the verified studies. Until then, empirical data across the board is at your finger tips that kids do better when raised by *original* parents in a single home.

Yes, they do. But this aggregate data doesn't tell you what is best for the kids in the subset of poorly functioning marriages.

Read through the thread. Yes, poor functioning, but not high conflict. Why? It appears because of OP's vacillations. If OP can get his act together, he may be able to salvalge the marriage. Or he may not be able to. But walking away before trying your hardest in a situation where there is not overt anger or high conflict is failing your kids.

[e_stamford]

If OP can get his act together, he may be able to salvalge the marriage. Or he may not be able to. But walking away before trying your hardest in a situation where there is not overt anger or high conflict is failing your kids.

OP here. If I've learned one thing in the last two weeks it is the obligation to try once more or risk "failing my daughter". There has been must speculation regarding my commitment to my marriage and my related seeming "vacillations". To clarify I've spent 6 of 10 years working on myself to improve my own ability to communicate and try to improve our marriage. I've begged my wife to join the journey of self improvement many many times. Only after getting caught did she see the need. I'm not a serial philanderer. I am one who made some bad decisions that were fueled by loneliness. Not an excuse, just simple fact. We've been in therapy together now for a year, which seems to have stalled. This week I will be asking the therapist for a concrete action plan or seeking a new therapist. I'm in now or never land. The message of fighting for my daughter has resonated. I'm seriously skeptical for enough reasons that I would need to write book, but I'm not skeptical enough to not to try once more.

I believe that the reason my post has set off much debate is because our situation is so gray. This grayness is precisely what compelled me to post in the first place. I feel there is no right answer to our situation. Hence our situation conjuring up all of the age old debates regarding children of divorce, loveless marriage, staying together for the kids, etc.

I am grateful for everyone's input. Given there is no right answer, every reply contributes to my thought process and education. Keep 'em coming.

[Trevor]

1. Now or never indeed. If she's not committed after a year of therapy is there any reason to think some new plan will make a difference? [Rhet.]

2. What were the milestones in last year's plan? How many of them were met on time? How many are still working out for you?

3. What specific things would you be expecting for this iteration? What behaviors do you expect to develop that are not happening now?

4. She's either committed to the marriage or not. Same with you. She's either Leaning IN or Leaning OUT. If you've honored the counseling plan for a year and she is still disillusioned or leaning out then I don't see a positive prognosis for beating the beast another 12 months.

[Groundhogday]

4. She's either committed to the marriage or not. Same with you. She's either Leaning IN or Leaning OUT. If you've honored the counseling plan for a year and she is still disillusioned or leaning out then I don't see a positive prognosis for beating the beast another 12 months.

My Ex was fully committed to the marriage, but her idea of marriage was two adults sharing a house but not a bedroom, talking only when necessary to address family logistics, and tag-team but not joint child-rearing. OP's situation sounds somewhat familiar, though probably lower conflict than my situation.

[Trevor]

My Ex was fully committed to the marriage, but...

No, she wasn't. But let's not highjack the thread.

[e_stamford]

Wait, I'm Leaning Out. She's Leaning In. I can see how her taking marriage for granted can be perceived as Leaning Out. Most recent quote is "in my heart I would like another baby". When I asked what of the fact that we are in therapy and not necessarily going to be married indefinitely she replied that therapy is something we could do for the rest of our lives. I authored an email to the therapist that CC'd my wife and read "In her heart she wants another baby. In my heart I want a divorce..." She read and dismissed my statement as me just making a point. Ok, this was all a rant for your reading pleasure.

In response to Trevor's questions regarding a therapy plan, there never was one. It was a meandering path. My error. Something I'm working to correct. I've made my share of mistakes here. Although I never claimed to be the mental health professional. Now others are first instructing us to read books like The Five Languages of Love, Etc. I'm feeling too tired to start this process anew.

Perhaps I'm entirely in rant land today.

[Trevor]

"in my heart I would like another baby"

Dude. This is a nuclear bomb (not nucular). There could be no larger or redder flag, bro. Don't go anywhere near that hooch cos it's a death-hole right now.