First timer.....

[lostinnj]

Hey everyone,

First time writer here, thank you all very much for all of the advice I've already, indirectly received.

I'll try and keep this short...

Been with my wife for almost ten years, married for the last 3. Our son is almost two years old, like everyone else on this forum, is the absolute center of my life, I love him more than anything. My wife has always been a bit "off" with regards to her mood swings, temper and demands, but I always tried to take the high road and just be the better person. Ten years later, I'm realizing that it probably was a mistake and that I just fed into her visions of a fairytale life. Our wedding was $60K, bill footed by her middle-class, not rich parents. Her engagement ring from me, "had to be at least $5K." Our first and current home, "couldn't be under $200K" in one of four neighborhoods. (Wow, even as I write this, it sounds so obvious to me). She grew up in a very typical, middle class family, as did I. Her parents are wonderful and she was treated very well growing up in a very loving family.

There were times over the years where the writing for me was on the wall. The time she threatened to call the cops and make up a DV charge...the time she spit a wad of gum at me and said 'next time it will be spit,' the time she got out of the car and walked 2.5 miles with our then 12 month old son through the 2nd most dangerous city in the country, b/c "I" got us into a traffic jam....I could go on and on.

Our son was born at 30 weeks and we all had a pretty rough first year. He is now so smart, strong and healthy and I am beyond grateful everyday for what I have in life. Would a bigger house with a yard be nice? Sure. Would the ability to go to Europe for vacation be nice? Definitely. For me, I'm happy with what I have. For her? It's now a deal breaker.

About a year ago, my wife began seeing a therapist to at first, work on some issues from the birth of our son. We were in the NICU for almost two months and man, it was hell. As the infrequent sessions went on, they started to talk about our marriage and how my wife is extremely unhappy.

While all of this is going on, I am working three jobs. Why? Because my wife only works 9 months out of the year and doesn't save a penny for her summer pay. She refuses to get another job and says her money is hers to spend how she sees fit. So, I work so that I can pay for our lives. In addition, I also do 100% of the grocery shopping, cook dinner 6 out of 7 days for us, do the cleaning in the house and get my son's breakfast together 7 days a week.

What transpired during the therapy is that my wife has been diagnosed with OCPD with elements of bipolar disorder. Her father has bipolar as well, so it's in the family. She refuses to get regular therapy and/or medication, against the advisement from her doctor.

She threatens divorce on a regular basis and says that my love for her and my son is only because my parents divorced when I was 3 and that I'm just desperate for a family. That's not only inaccurate, but incredibly hurtful.

The reason I am writing today is because yesterday, after almost ten years, I've had enough. While eating dinner, my wife told me that she needs to change her life. She said she's made many mistakes in her life and that I'm the biggest one. Her plan is to move away, anywhere, to get away from me and into a city (we are 7 miles away from the 5th biggest city in the country) Her plan is to take our son and give me as little time with him as possible. She told me that divorce isn't an "if" but a "when." That she is going to go somewhere and hopefully it will be far away....because "living in the same place your whole life is pathetic, a life she was never cut out for." According to her, I'm not romantic enough, thoughtful enough and I just don't get what she needs or who she is. To the last point, I think she's right, but only because she doesn't even know what she wants.

I have years of emails from her to me, where she tells me how wonderful I am, how lucky she is and how much she loves me. Her friends, in front of me, tell her how they wish their husbands treated them as I treat her. I say this not to brag but because I'm so confused as to what I'm doing wrong, she still doesn't care about me at all. Just two hours before our talk yesterday, she was sitting on the couch telling me how much she loves me. Two hours later? She's moving to Europe with our son because I'm "the worst man ever." WTF?

Today, I contacted an attorney just to see what I would need to do in the event that I get home and she is gone. He said that I could file a motion if she does that to get my son back into the state. The fact that she is a teacher scares me terribly. She has off for the entire summer, basically because I work so much, and plans on using that in court. My son and I both get our medical benefits through her as well.

Not to sound dramatic, but I have never been this sad in my entire life. The idea of not seeing my son everyday, putting him to bed every night is unbearable to me.

I hear that NJ is often biased against fathers, but I'm hoping that my track record as a father as well as her medical condition will work to my advantage. I have zero intent on harming my wife's relationship or limiting her time with our son. I hold no grudges and hope that she gets the medical attention that she needs, for her and our son's sake.

A girl in college once told me that I was too nice, I guess she was right because I have no clue how to proceed in a non-cordial manner.

Thanks so much for reading this, I appreciate any and all advice.

Best regards.

[Here_We_Go]

i feel for you i was doing everything that you were doing which is everything. meals cloths groceries laundry transportation extra curricular activities etc. in a word everything. NJ was off with mr. wonderful. Keep one thing in mind your son will be strong and he will be fine. someone here recommended me to buy stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder, I highly recommend it keep it at work and read it. one quote from it is "I am not one who believes that unhappy people should stay together for the sake of the children. i think they would be far better off living with one happy parent than one miserably unhappy parent and one who is completely delusional." I feel like getting a divorce is the best thing for my son. stay strong, start exercising, and find someone you trust that you can vent too. another thing i keep telling myself is this is not my defining moment, divorce can be a good thing for you.

read the list. good luck. fyi your nj is probably cheating, at lease that is what it sounds like to me, and mine was, so don't be surprised/ or hurt when you find out. you need to try to distance yourself emotionally from her no emotion. whenever i had a though of asking nj to do anything because it would be reasonable, i stopped. I did not count on her to do anything, i did not ask her for anything. your next communication to her on this matter should be her being served. my nj kept on asking if i wanted one. for weeks after she knew she was begging for me back.

[lostinnj]

Thank you very much for your reply, it's good to hear.

My wife has been sending me messages on chat all day today, trying to explain our last conversation. She said that when we met, ten years ago, she had already planned on moving away but decided to give this relationship a try. She explained that she has known the entire time that this "experiment" has been a huge failure. Her plan is to take our son and live in a new city, somewhere in the world, every few years. She said she's given up her last ten years for me, which is not only untrue, but laughable. The big wedding she wanted? Got it. House? Got it. Everything she's wanted, or now I realize, thought she wanted. She's not cut out for this life and at the bare minimum, will travel with our son every summer for 3 months while she's on break.

I asked her if there's somebody else, of course she said no. I have my suspicions but no way to prove it. In a way, I think it'd make all of this much easier.

I am very afraid that I'm going to lose my son or at least see him much less than I do now. She said our divorce is inevitable and she's just planning and trying to figure out when would be the best time to do it, with regards to our son's age.

She can't understand why I don't want a life of fun, variety and adventure. I said that I do very much, but for the next 18 years, our son is my only concern. I hope that if she says this to a judge, he'll realize that this sort of vagabond lifestyle isn't what's best for him, am I dreaming??

Thank you very much.

[Here_We_Go]

the adultery made it easier for me that is for sure. if she is having an affair let her go ahead and do it and start keeping your journal documenting your parenting time. i would tell her some far off date is a good time for the divorce maybe when he is five or any thing longer than a year would do and then i would file in about 6 mos. she has had her little experiment now lets have ours. read the list and by all mean do not let her think you are planning anything. you are 007 now. if you want proof of adultery you can certainly try getting it. I have it. it won't help much with custody in my state, so it is little more than a threat of exposure.

[mexico123]

Once you file divorce, certain automatic orders go into effect. These could forestall her various threats (for example, to move the kid away with her), and might give you more peace of mind from that aspect.

[Fatheroffour]

You should review the links in my signature.

You should also quit talking to her about divorce while you learn and prepare. Let her build her 5 year plan while you plan and execute your 4 year plan, if you understand the meaning. Use the time you have to get yourself in the best possible position for custody.

That means cutting back on work and increasing your involvement with the kids, and documenting it. You cannot work long hours now and expect the courts to do the fair thing when you divorce and give you the time with your kids you want. You have to make the time now and when the time comes petition the court to keep things the way they are.

"Fair" isn't the criteria the courts use when deciding custody.

[tsawyer]

She is a rotten, selfish, self entitled, feminised, narcissitic American woman. She thinks only for herself; period. She is not even putting your son first before her selfish ambitions and desires.

The treatement she displayed towards you in your writing is unexcusable, unacceptable, and beyond abusive. Additionally, she is not going to change. This behavior is only going to get worse.

You need to take some immediate steps:

#1 - Realize your relationship is totally over, with no chance whatsoever for recovery. I know that can be hard to except when you have children with this woman, but it is the reality of how life is going to be. You can't change or fix her, and she is not going to get better, even with counseling and meds. A lot of her behavior are character and moral flaws that define her as a person. Just the little you have written makes me want to puke.

#2 - Get a recorder, have it on your body 24x7. She has already threatened a false DV charge. This will be you and your son's only salvation.

#3 - Protect your finances - cut her off and lock her out! Her attitude that the money she makes is "her money, to spend how she wants" - well so is yours. Let her use "her money" to pay for her living expenses. If you don't protect yourself, and she has access in any way to your accounts, she will clear you out faster than you can blink.

#4 - Absorb and master the material in The List. This is your priority right now. You are going to need to only work the bare minimum. Your credit is likely going to get trashed thru this process anyway, so forget about any unsecured creditors. Ignore them, they are not important right now.

[MrCoolDC]

Your wife has a personality disorder, and she will never, ever be happy. It only gets worse. Trust me, I've been down that road. In fact, they seem to get worse every time they nag their way to something they want. She is also a bad mother--she desires an unstable, bohemian, single-parent lifestyle which will be bad for your son.

You need to make a lot less money for now, and spend as much time as you can with your kid. Make sure you document how much you paid toward her upside-down condo. Also any maintenance you do on either home. NJs tend to not want to do anything to take care of the property they co-own with their husbands.

[jumbledone]

NJs tend to not want to do anything to take care of the property they co-own with their husbands.

Mine didn't, even before dissolution papers were filed.

[dobradavid]

There's an arabis saying:

"A discontented wife will ask for toasted snow"