She won't split mediation costs. Options?

[disneydad]

In GA, STBX filed back in June. She's been SAHM and is still not working. In temp order she has 2/3 time with the kids I have 1/3, and I give her 60% of my take home pay. I'm living separately. That's all water under the bridge though and a lesson learned.

Anyway, she's agreed to go to mediation. However, she's refusing to pay any of it. Her attorney told mine I hold all the "financial power". I have some stocks earned during marriage (probably marital asset) but that's about it. She is proposing that I pay for the mediation and figure out how to divide the costs either by agreement as part of the mediation or by the judge at a final.

I just know if she has no skin in the game, she'll drag out mediation and refuse to compromise, just to waste time under the cushy temporary. She'd be more inclined to move away from her position if it's costing her directly.

I'm ready to pay half. She can pay her half with a credit card for all I care. If she still won't pay it, I'm ready to pay for it out of marital assets and that's just that much less we'd be splitting. If she won't do either I'm willing to show up in court and have the judge order us to mediation and determine who should pay for it.

I just can't figure out if I'll get dinged for not being a team player (hard to be a team player when I'm asked to lay out everything) or STBX will get chided for expecting to not pay her fair share.

Opinions?

[dadmisseskids]

I know it's done differently everywhere but from the same judge, I've been ordered to pay things like mediation, parenting coordinator, custody evaluator, etc this way:

1. 50/50
2. Income ratio
3. 100%

The problem is, there isn't anything I can do about what the judge orders as far as these payments are concerned because the payments are left up to the discretion of the court. If I would have appealed, I would have lost.

My opinion is to see how much mediation is. There is a place where I live that only asks for a donation, something like $10, for each session. If it's conducted by a lawyer or someone who is money hungry, it may get a little expensive. You won't lose anything by going to mediation (except a few bucks), even if you have a woman biased person conducting the meetings. Their only job is to get you both to come to an agreement. If there is no agreement, you would move onto the next step, which may be a court hearing.

Also, look into the rules for the mediator. Most have a rule which states that anything said in the mediation session is confidential and cannot be used in court. In other words, if you were to tell your ex to fu*k off (not that you would), the mediator is not allowed to testify.

[disneydad]

Thanks dadmisseskids.

The mediator we've settled on charges $250 per hour. I'm anticipating at least 8 hours of work - 4 to prep and 4 to go back and forth between us.

[defaultuser]

If you don't think she'll mediate, you can be in and out in under an hour.

Here are my demands. Is she willing to accept them? No? I'm out.

Then, you mediated.

[Fatheroffour]

4 hours prep?

[hoosier_dad]

I've gone through mediation twice, once when costs were split 50/50 and once when it was split 80/20 me. IMO you want the same financial incentives on both sides to reach a settlement or you could have one parent dragging their feet like I experienced.

[golfdad]

Have the Mediator, mediate the payment schedule.

Would be a great way to get some insight into the NJ's motives.

Pars & Birdies

[disneydad]

FOF I guessed 4 hours prep because I assume the mediator will have lots of discovery on us to know our situations and positions. Wild guess though.

I'm pretty sure it will fail. She's told me in no uncertain terms she is unwilling to go for 50/50 time and in fact wants me to have less than I have now.

How can I get the mediator to mediate how to pay before we pay the mediator? seems catch 22.

[Trevor]

Mediators don't need any prep, unless you own companies and have intricate financial holdings that must be considered. They will lay down the rules of the game to both of you (probably individually) then play shuttle diplomacy until someone shows weakness, then they'll press on that party to settle. It's nothing to do with fairness or equitable arrangements; only to reduce the court's docket one case at a time.

Have your assets and liabilities in a spreadsheet where the end results show a 50/50 split. Have in your back pocket some alternative ways to split things so that most/all of the items can remain intact (i.e., having to split things is laborious and troublesome; if there's a way to get balance by keeping accounts intact, life will be easier). The more creative you are, the more likely a solution can be found.

Just be sure you 1) don't sign anything you that will make you lose sleep or live with regret; and 2) know exactly what you will and will not accept as part of the deal. If you honor these two things, you'll never lose your butt in mediation. Cos they will pressure you to cave if you show any vulnerability or insecurity. Don't.

You can also set a time limit. If she balks at everything or starts with a completely ludicrous gambit, why stick around for 4 hours? Find out the minimum time the mediator will book time (in my experience, the minimum is 2 hours). Thirty minutes before that minimum time, get up and start to walk out. "F this, it's getting me nowhere. See you later. How much is my half of the bill?" If she still is being ridiculous, then you have cut your losses at 2 hours.

[Trevor]

I'm pretty sure it will fail. She's told me in no uncertain terms she is unwilling to go for 50/50 time and in fact wants me to have less than I have now.

If this is true, then why exactly are you proposing mediation? Is the court requiring it? Seems your money'd be better spent getting a trial date to put this whole thing to bed.