I am the bad guy - do I have or deserve any rights?

[Ilovemyboys]

OK, I am the bad guy.

I have been alleged to have had an affair.

I have been married for seven years. I have had a very unhappy relationship with my wife since the birth of our three year old. There may or may not be evidence of me with another woman.

I was severed with court papers. Divorce from Bed and Board, Custody of the kids, Child support, Inequitable distribution of assets.

After reading the complaint against me, I no longer left comfortable living in the marital residence. I haven't moved out, but I fear with the fabricated claims against me, that a 911 call would be in my future if I stayed. I do not have an issue with anger, but a claim of anger issues against someone is almost like quicksand. Every rebuttal you make turns out to be embellished into some Hulkish fit of rage.

So what rights do I have? I pick up my kids in the morning and drop them off at school, and I see them outside playing in the yard before dinner at night. I will not be in the house alone with my estranged wife.

She's also retained this attorney that is borderline unethical. I would say it would work out to my favor, but this lawyer likes to go to court. She loses a lot. But she's driving my wife to file all these lawsuits. No collaboration, no mediation (exempt as required by the court), just straight litigation.

I know I did wrong. I am willing to accept that. How do I keep my wife from using the kids as a tool against me. How do I keep her from falling victim to this attorney? All she is going to do is drain our marital assets dry.

BTW, I am in NC.

I have counsel, but I fear my counsel is not aggressive enough.

Edit: I had to change some of the wording above.

[Fatheroffour]

You should review the links in my signature to begin with.

[Enough]

I agree with Fatheroffour. Read his links. Also, stop feeling guilty! If you didn't slip her the one eyed pirate then you didn't have an affair. Relax and think through this and take your emotions out of it the best you can.

[defaultuser]

You may want to go start interviewing other lawyers.

Do not move out of the house, and do everything possible to be involved in your children's lives. Be aware of the very real possibility of a false domestic violence claim.

Reserving judgement on you for what you've done in regards to the other woman, I'd say two things. 1) For now, if you don't want to get totally screwed financially and in regards to custody, focus on your kids and your involvement in their life. Document it too because you'll need it in court. 2) In the end, I'd be surprised if the affair, or alleged affair means anything in the divorce beyond the other side leveraging your guilt to get more out of you.

BTW, you're not the bad guy here unless you walk away from your kids. This is a place for guys who want to preserve their rights as fathers and who understand that kids need Dads.

[Ilovemyboys]

Thank you FatherOfFour.

The first thing I will do is go back to the home. Due to the threat of her calling 911, I left and stayed with friends.

I read through the articles and some of the comments too. I don't have high hopes I suppose, but I will not give up on my boys.

I also have a consultation with another attorney tomorrow morning. My attorney is a great guy, but I don't know if he's aggressive. He's certainly not communicating well with me.

[Tyrell]

You've probably already read this on here, but get a digital recorder and have it running all the time while your around your wife, it isn't legally admissable but it can be used to disprove domestic violence claims.

Also stop seeing the other woman, as defaultuser said legally the affair probably won't have much impact on the divorce, but it will enflame the situation with your wife and make everything much more difficult.

[Oneforthree]

As said, read THE LIST. All of it may not apply to you but its great.

Your emotional affair is a symptom of whats been your marriage. Drop the guilt. Perhaps its a wake-up call to action.

Move back into your house. Document, in very simple format, your daily activity with children as their parent. It can simply be "woke kids, prepared and gave breakfast, dressed for school, bus drop off". Anything that shows you are a parent, and even the primary parent. I suggest being careful about putting opinion of her actions into the journal. Make it a fact journal.

AVOID conflict. Do not engage in spoken word, email or text. It WILL be used against you. Stay cordial through communications and address only childcare issues. Do not get into a war of words about "who, what, why..etc.".

If she wants to play hard ball, then she is typical and being emotional. You won't convince her to do otherwise. She, in her emotional state, will not care about the cost. And her attorney is likely "selling" her that she's gonna get everything paid by you in the end. She may not stop to mediate. You have to be smart. Hire an attorney that is ready to go to war, because war found you. If she sees you are serious about your defense, she may back down.

Be a great dad, be there for your children. Don't let her shame or guilt you into removing yourself from their lives. Think of it as this..soon you will miss out on at least 50% of their lives. So dig in and spend all the time you can with them and you along with your kids will benefit. And a judge will not want to tear that apart.

Lastly, relax and take a breath. Enjoy downtime. Get into the mind-frame that your marriage to her may come to an end but you don't have to. Your role as a father doesn't. Take days to go out, be with friends, enjoy life. You'll be an even better father and you'll be recharged for the next round of crap from her and her lawyer.

Stay strong.

[Chosen2Dad]

Not sure what state you are in OP. But if you are in a no-fault state, from my understanding, you having an affair doesn't matter. That may be frowned upon but it also "shouldn't" effect your chances with the boys. The problem is, the court system. It's broken for people like us. We want to be parts of our kids' lives and the NJ is the devil.

I have told my lawyers about my desires to have an affair and they told me to do whatever I want. Just not to bring it up to her otherwise negotiations/mediations will be a waste. While I think they are already.

Get a recorder! I am glad I have one and I keep it as I need cause I am not letting her do the same thing to me on a 911 call. I had an issue yesterday with her mother and I went down to the police to file a "matter of fact" in case a call came in. Plus having it on record.

Document everything you do with the kid(s). Take pictures if you can. Read the list and use what you can.

If she ever cools down, you may find easier ways to deal and get through divorce. Mine is still contentious. She is still angry because I want to leave.

Good luck!

[cdavis]

The "affair" will certainly not help you but if she is unable to prove adultery (sexual intercourse, which I think court will assume happened if you had overnights with your friend) there is not really a fault and it shouldn't effect things like ED and Custody, and while it should not technically effect alimony (fault is not required for alimony anyways) it may factor into overall picture when these things are decided. Your wife also has leverage because of possible AOA actions against your friend. Stay at home, be the best roommate and father you can for now, document everything and be as involved as possible, and start shopping for good attorneys.

[Trevor]

[Quizzical facial expression.] Did the OP mention erectile dysfunction? [Rhet.]