Questions, Oregon divorce: kids, taxes, student loans...

[jumbledone]

Put it this way:

You can be the gatekeeper or the visitor.

Can you be assured that in any role you have that the other party will not sully the agreement? No. But it is easier to grant requests for access than to force enforcement of access.

[Fatheroffour]

Your terminology on full and shared custody is confusing. Are you clear of the meaning of the states use of the terms?

[PHRoG]

Put it this way:

You can be the gatekeeper or the visitor.

Can you be assured that in any role you have that the other party will not sully the agreement? No. But it is easier to grant requests for access than to force enforcement of access.

Yes...I see that now. It took a giant mess to get it, but I got it, loud and clear.

It seems the best option then, from the perspective of protecting my rights with the kiddos, would be to fight for full custody now. I suppose we could establish set < parenting time >, and then just add language that allows us to modify that between ourselves as needed. I would think the court would allow this only under specified circumstances. Such as, traveling for work; or, would they really let that fly with just, "between ourselves as we see fit?"

Man...that just sounds outright mean!

Fatheroffour, defaultuser, and jumbledone: I do appreciate both you're patience, and persistence with me; I think I'm finally on the same page here. Thank you again.

Look folks...I know I see things differently than most...I'm often the round peg trying to fit through a square hole amongst other square pegs. However, that doesn't mean I'm a bad father, or that I don't care about my kids, like I feel some are trying to convey. I know I'm a good father, and I'm confident that I can illustrate that to whomever matters. I'm just trying to find my way through this maze, and I try and consider all possibilities. That may sound harsh, but, it's how I figure things out; lay out all the possibilities, good or bad.

I'm no stranger to a forum atmosphere. I've built many, moderate several more, and participate in dozens. I'm generally well received; in fact, I can't think of a single time I've caused such an uproar integrating into the community. I'm a nice fellow, I'm quite intelligent, and I really like to help people.

This has definitely been a unique experience for me, and fortunately I'm not intimidated much anymore. I understand many got the wrong impression, but please ask me questions instead of merely slapping a label on me.

Peace,
PHRoG

[Fatheroffour]

One important thing you still need to grasp.

I know I'm a good father, and I'm confident that I can illustrate that to whomever matters.

Though it is slowly changing, the standard is that most fathers end up with the state minimums concerning parenting time. That's not because they are not good fathers and it isn't because they simply were not able to demonstrate to the judge that they are good fathers.

Cogitate on that.

[defaultuser]

I can't think of a single time I've caused such an uproar integrating into the community. I'm a nice fellow, I'm quite intelligent, and I really like to help people.

You haven't caused an uproar. In fact, you're typical. You either get it or you don't.

If you follow the advice given here, you'll do better than if you don't. We don't care either way necessarily, although we'd be happy for your kids if you stay in their life, because kids need fathers.

Your best chance is to act now because things are very difficult to change once the temporary orders are out, and even harder to change once the divorce is final. Some guys come on here and get help. Others refuse it. Thats up to you, but if you look back through the posts you'll find many people getting a favorable outcome in the divorce saying that they would have never been able to do it without advice from this board.

I don't know about the other guys, but I can tell you that I made so many mistakes in my divorce and after a primary motivation for me is that as many people as possible learn from my mistakes and not make them themselves. Good luck to you.

Please come back and ask more questions, and let us know how your case is going.

[jumbledone]

[t seems the best option then, from the perspective of protecting my rights with the kiddos, would be to fight for full custody now. I suppose we could establish set < parenting time >, and then just add language that allows us to modify that between ourselves as needed. I would think the court would allow this only under specified circumstances. Such as, traveling for work; or, would they really let that fly with just, "between ourselves as we see fit?"

You're getting pounded with 2x4, which is an occupational hazard on this board, as DU pointed out above.

As to your next question, yes, go for it now, as you may hold the upper hand. You keep saying STBX is good with the kiddos, but bad with you. Could you be the buffer between her and the kids, without even knowing it? Once her favorite punching bag (literally) is out of the way, what (who) becomes the next punching bag? Let that sink in.

Now, what would any self-described good father do? Anything and everything to be there for his their kids.

You state you have this fantastic job opportunity that you and a friend can create in the web development world. With all the tools available to you for communication across great distances, tell us again why you need to travel? Rethink what is needed I need to work with people in India for my company. Do you think I have ever been to Mumbai? But I can still build those partnerships to achieve the end results needed with many different communication tools.

[PHRoG]

You haven't caused an uproar. In fact, you're typical. You either get it or you don't.

If you follow the advice given here, you'll do better than if you don't. We don't care either way necessarily, although we'd be happy for your kids if you stay in their life, because kids need fathers.

Your best chance is to act now because things are very difficult to change once the temporary orders are out, and even harder to change once the divorce is final. Some guys come on here and get help. Others refuse it. Thats up to you, but if you look back through the posts you'll find many people getting a favorable outcome in the divorce saying that they would have never been able to do it without advice from this board.

I don't know about the other guys, but I can tell you that I made so many mistakes in my divorce and after a primary motivation for me is that as many people as possible learn from my mistakes and not make them themselves. Good luck to you.

Please come back and ask more questions, and let us know how your case is going.

Thank you...I don't plan on going anywhere, and will definitely keep you posted on the progress!

[t seems the best option then, from the perspective of protecting my rights with the kiddos, would be to fight for full custody now. I suppose we could establish set < parenting time >, and then just add language that allows us to modify that between ourselves as needed. I would think the court would allow this only under specified circumstances. Such as, traveling for work; or, would they really let that fly with just, "between ourselves as we see fit?"

You're getting pounded with 2x4, which is an occupational hazard on this board, as DU pointed out above.

As to your next question, yes, go for it now, as you may hold the upper hand. You keep saying STBX is good with the kiddos, but bad with you. Could you be the buffer between her and the kids, without even knowing it? Once her favorite punching bag (literally) is out of the way, what (who) becomes the next punching bag? Let that sink in.

Now, what would any self-described good father do? Anything and everything to be there for his their kids.

You state you have this fantastic job opportunity that you and a friend can create in the web development world. With all the tools available to you for communication across great distances, tell us again why you need to travel? Rethink what is needed I need to work with people in India for my company. Do you think I have ever been to Mumbai? But I can still build those partnerships to achieve the end results needed with many different communication tools.

ROFL, great analogy!

Yes...I do see you're point about violence becoming an issue later on. I know she didn't do this previously, but those were less than a year. So it's very difficult to tell.

Here is what I know about her violence. I wouldn't quite call it using me as a punching bag. The events are isolated, six of them over almost 12 years, with the last landing her in handcuffs, and in jail for a three-day weekend. This was a big wakeup call for her, and is when she started going to anger management. To be honest, she didn't go for more than a few months. However, she hasn't displayed any signs of aggression towards me since. On the other hand, how long until the sense of, "Oh < edited >, I can get in real trouble for this," wears off, and she thinks she can do it again.

The triggers for these events seem to be situations where she's jealous over a friendship I'm developing, that she sees as a threat for some reason or another. To remove any confusion, the friends in question this time are a disabled, and married elderly couple. This has nothing to do with an affair. It's not only women, she's done it will all friends since we've been together.

It starts with 'curiosity' about the friendship, and I'm usually open about it. Over time, the curiosity is replaced with pointed questions, and opinions on how I should interact with them. This then eventually transforms into heated argument, where she attempts to validate her behavior by screaming hurtful statements at me. I keep asking for specific examples of the claims she makes, to which she has none, or she uses over-generalized reasoning void of anything specific. Citing I'm choosing friends over her. It's here that when I continue to invalidate her outrageous claims, that the violent switch flips, and things become physical. I've never lifted a hand to her, only restrained her to keep her from hurting me any further, then I set her outside and lock the door until she calms down.

Of course, since I've identified the trigger, it's much easier for me to see this coming, and simply leave and end all communication until she has calmed down. Which also could explain why she hasn't done it in awhile.

Argh...this really sucks.

Could I make her continued attendance, and completion of anger management classes part of the terms?

Thanks again everyone,
PHRoG

[PHRoG]

Oh, and to answer you're questions about the business. There's no reason I can't do the development work from here, it's what I'm working on right now. However, it's a mail-order company where I will be required to handle shipping/receiving.

Currently, my business partner has the room to setup the operation out of his home. I do not. I'm trying to figure out a way to do it from here, but so far I haven't found a solution that would work.

The distance I would be away, isn't all that far. About a 3 hour drive.

[defaultuser]

For what its worth, my X used to be violent toward me before the divorce. Now she's violent with the kids. Pinches, slaps, putting them in the closet. Nothing to get arrested over, but I don't like it one bit...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01 ... ity-woman/

[Trevor]

Why can't you set up your warehouse in a local storage unit and keep only the necessary stock in your house/apartment? Daily trips to the storage unit and the post office or private shipper would probably not cost more than gas/lodging for your 3-hour away "storage unit."

Seriously, you need to be more creative about making things work where you don't have to rely on her for anything if you want to have any hope of primary custody.