Need some opinions..taking care of your STBX through the fog

[oklahomaDAD]

Ive been the alpha, bread winner, etc of the household. My NJ filled against me...did all the dirty things in the book to make her case look better, said i did this and that, tried to get protective orders, slander my name, etc

but at the end of the day, my child still stays with her 50% of the time...and during that time, they are poor, living with parents, she has to get dropped off in a crappy daycare when she is out looking for jobs, and all while im living somewhat comfortable in my home with my nice job.(keep in mind, my savings has been wiped out from this divorce, my car sold to afford my atty, but im still putting alittle in savings each paycheck for my child)

eventhough my wife still is a B*tch, i feel this need to help her get on her feet so she can be successful and go find someone else to bother. Shes racked up a few credit cards, put her self in debt over this D and so forth.

To date, ive had to come get her 7 times in the last 3 months because shes ran out of gas on the way to an interview or something. I know this because i help her with job searches and resumes. Its been rough on her looking for a job since shes been a stay at home mom for 2 years and a large gap on her resume. everytime i see her, she begs for 20 bucks for gas or some food money.

The CS since its 50/50 now is barely anything...still alot of money but not enough to live off of.

my atty says "Good, she should have thought twice at the alter when she swore in oath to be by my side for good and bad, and again when she cheating and filed D. Just wait till the final decree after you give her all this "extra" cash on the side, then she demands for half your 401K or for the judge to demand i pay for her atty fees and everything else and when you ask for the cash on the side to be considered, she will say 'what cash' "

in my perspective...i donno what to do...everytime i give her money i imagine taking a lighter to it and just lighting the 20 or 100 on fire. Poof. then i think about that money in a college fun for my daughter. its kinda like blackjack to me....you play the dollar table, you'll never win big...but if you play the 100 dollar table, then you can change a life. maybe this 100 will close out that credit card and she can have extra gas to get to that interview. Then maybe my daughter will come home and have a nice meal instead of McDonalds nuggets and soda(which im making up for this story)

so what do you guys do that have a good career that 'could' support two households but dramitically lower my daughter and I's standard of living? im sure there are other ways to helk her situation out but im not aware of any at the moment. Im just tired of being called a "dead-beat dad" even when i pay my CS and extra

[Anything4Her]

Im just tired of being called a "dead-beat dad" even when i pay my CS and extra

So she is trying to manipulate you with shaming language... and it is *still* working.

Stable the white horse and put away the armor. Her life is her responsibility. Giving her a $100 will not teach her to support herself. It will, however, keep her convinced that she can keep coming to you to bail her out. Do you feed the stray neighborhood cats too?

To date, ive had to come get her 7 times in the last 3 months because shes ran out of gas on the way to an interview or something.

Next time that happens, give her the number to a towing service.

my atty says "Good, she should have thought twice at the alter when she swore in oath to be by my side for good and bad, and again when she cheating and filed D. Just wait till the final decree after you give her all this "extra" cash on the side, then she demands for half your 401K or for the judge to demand i pay for her atty fees and everything else and when you ask for the cash on the side to be considered, she will say 'what cash' "

Listen to your attorney. She is no longer your partner, remember? *She* decided she could do better and tried to screw you. Don't be a fool and enable her.

did all the dirty things in the book to make her case look better, said i did this and that, tried to get protective orders, slander my name, etc

Remember?

[Fatheroffour]

The problem with being a White Knight or a Captain Save-a-Ho is that you can't save them from themselves.

Focus your resources elsewhere.

She's a stripper. She knows how to work it. She'll be fine.

[blueTexas]

Sure, give her a little money from time to time and bail her out of predicaments. BUT ensure you get something of value in return, very well-documented so she can't get out of the agreement. Maybe modify any temporary agreements. Such somethings include more favorable custody arrangements and keeping much more of your 40k savings at final.
If she doesn't agree, then forget it.
That's negotiation. You're holding the cards.
A concern I would have is how to provide better for the child when he/she's in her custody. Maybe gift cards to grocery stores?

[jumbledone]

When a charity case walks into a church, they never hand them money. Giftcards or actual goods are what are given.

Show up with a gas can, and put it in her tank. If she says they're out of food, go buy some, drop it off.

Document, document, document. I am half going with the stick it to her crowd, but if your daughter is not well taken care of, I would focus on that. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

At the same time, realize what your lawyer said: She will take half of your worth. So temper that.

I like BlueTexas' suggestion. Not sure how enforceable it would be, though.

[CCR]

Every dollar you give voluntarily up and beyond what is ordered is stealing from your child in your situation.

Why are you advocating, promoting and aiding in theft from your defenseless child?

[Fatheroffour]

Pfft. She's playing the op. She knows he's a soft touch and no matter how much he helps her she will continue to come back to the well. All the while making his life more difficult.

Okeedad, after all this help you've given her she still makes basic things like childcare difficult for you. You say you've been the alpha your entire relationship but your post says different. You keep giving and she keeps taking. When is enough enoug?

[RC211V]

See her the way the court sees her - she is an adult capable or caring for herself. You owe her nothing, don't give her anything. If she can't take care of herself, so she can't take care of your kid, go directly to taking care of your kid. XNJ and your kid are two separate people and helping one is not helping the other, not anymore.

You gotta change your mindset. You gotta quit caring if she has no gas in her car. It has to not even cause the tiniest itch in your emotions to help her.

I used to do that stuff for my kids mom, it took about a year I think for me to get over it. I also used to be the kind of person that had a hard time saying no when I bum asked for spare change. They are pretty much the same thing man. If it helps, tell the NJ (and the bum maybe) when she asks that instead of giving her money, you will put the amount she wants in a savings account for your kid. Again, if you can afford to hand out cash, at least hand it out to somebody that matters. Not the NJ.

[oklahomaDAD]

sorry let me add one thing while i read everyones comments....She still has my $18k in atty fee retainers from my credit card in her atty's name.....as of this morning we were on good enough terms to close out the final decree ourselves. If i cut the cord on her, she has no reason to rear up in the corner and use that money against me...what does she have to loss except my 18K and my atty fees to defend myself?

and yes...i used to feed the neighborhood cat.

[oklahomaDAD]

thanks Fo4...what do you do for a living? you have a great memory!

why do i do it? simple reason..my child. These are all hypothetical analogies but it doesnt matter how great i do for my child, the STBX as of now doesnt have the means to do the same. I can afford to feed my child healthy food, has a good dr, and she doesnt have the money so she gets fast food and uses DHS for her flu shots instead of asking me for money for co-pay. I spend 10K on early education, but she puts her in a $3/hr drop off center with kids that teach her ill things.

as far as walmart cards or whatever, it doesnt each anyone anything. You can sell em for money, or just use the CS for other things. If i put gas in, she'll drive aimlessly. If she has no gas, she stays at home unless she has to go out. On the flip side, my daughter is riding around in a car with no gas with summer around the corner.

my atty's already determined unless she harms the child, very slim chance at 100%. So im sure someone will mention she is making a case for me but the end result is not really per my atty.

trust me, she doesnt want to ask me for money. She insist she do gardening, rack my leaves, etc as pay for the money but i dont want her on my property.