Provocative question

[Not_me]

I'm new and I promise I'm not trying to start a flame war...so please consider that although you don't know me, I'm really just trying to understand.

Let me give you some background before asking my question. Remember that I have significant experience in the field of custody and divorce (no, I'm not an attorney). What I've found is that, at least in my jurisdiction, the court, judges and mediators are more than fair, they are intelligent...they can smell bs from a mile away. The dads who have gotten the shaft, in my opinion, were either poorly represented, did not do their due diligence to build an intelligent argument or simply got what they deserved. Bad dads, like bad moms, are really easy to sniff out. Perhaps it is a jurisdictional idiosyncrasy. I really don't know...thats what I'm hoping you can tell me through your own experience.

So, Here's my question...

So many posts are responded to with such anger and hatred...a "get her before she gets you"...sentiment. I guess I'm wondering why so many men on this forum are as afraid as they are of the court process and that they will get screwed financially and with custody?

[Fatheroffour]

So your local judges can sniff out bs but can't tell when a good dad is poorly represented.

I smell bs too. .

[defaultuser]

The whole problem is that when a good dad is getting divorced and does not understand the legal process, he's likely to get a bad lawyer and not prepare his case properly. It requires a shift in the thinking. A shift from doing what is best for everyone and treating people fair and with a certain amount of trust to trusting no one (not your X, not your attorney, not the court, not the GAL, etc.) as this is the most important fight of your adult life.

Once the guy understands what is at stake, and how to collect evidence and prepare himself for the possibility that false accusations of domestic violence are coming, then he can proceed to presenting a proper case in court. Not only false DV claims, but other things like a biased GAL, or an attorney that does not care about the outcome of your case can be major roadblocks to justice.

By the way, have you faced the possibility that your wife may change and decide its best if you get thrown out of the house? I hope you're prepared for the dirty tactics that you may be needing to defend yourself from (I hope you never do).

[Fatheroffour]

How are all these moms getting all the good lawyers?

Or is it the OPs contention moms should be custodial parent by default?

Looking at the stats, it must be one or the other.

[Not_me]

So your local judges can sniff out bs but can't tell when a good dad is poorly represented.

I smell bs too. .

A judge doesn't have the responsibility to give leniency because you chose poorly. He may just shake his head and feel bad for you.

[Fatheroffour]

So divorce statistics, IYO, show that mothers are better at choosing attorneys and/or there are a disproportionate amount of bad fathers out there in relation to bad mothers.

[Not_me]

How are all these moms getting all the good lawyers?

Or is it the OPs contention moms should be custodial parent by default?

Looking at the stats, it must be one or the other.

I guess, I did hit a sore spot. No, I am a dad am am an advocate for good dads and moms...period.

I don't believe in anything but 50/50 unless the child is at risk or a parent wants to leave town...and in that case, in general I think the parent that stays should get residence...if both are equally competent.

As for attorneys, who knows....maybe we choose poorly. But that hasn't been my experience. The dads I have known have generally been well represented.

[Not_me]

So divorce statistics, IYO, show that mothers are better at choosing attorneys and/or there are a disproportionate amount of bad fathers out there in relation to bad mothers.

No, I am left believing that it must be that some jurisdictions are unbalanced in favor of moms. It's just that isn't the case in mine.

I left one out...lots of dads don't fight...why, I have no clue. I want to see my kids as often as possible (including every day of I can swing it). But on this board, it doesn't seem like anyone is rolling over and giving in.

That makes me happy to hear.

[hoosier_dad]

My experience included a very fair and unbiased judge, mediator and custody evaluator which resulted in my 50/50 custody goal. But I had to overcome the EOW default by shelling out 40k+ in attorney fees with a very detailed strategy and evidence to achieve that result. Unfortunately most Dads don't have the luxury of spending that much on legal representation.

I think you would have to agree that if Dad doesn't have good representation, due diligence, good strategy etc. that in most jurisdictions Mom gets her custody goals by default regardless of the strength of her representation or strategy? That doesn't equal a level playing field IMO.

So many posts are responded to with such anger and hatred...a "get her before she gets you"...sentiment.

I haven't seen much if any of what you are describing. There is quite a bit of frustration vented in posts or responses that are attempting to get Dads to understand the reality of a situation or action.

[hoosier_dad]

I left one out...lots of dads don't fight...why, I have no clue. I want to see my kids as often as possible (including every day of I can swing it). But on this board, it doesn't seem like anyone is rolling over and giving in.

That makes me happy to hear.

My attorney quoted stats that I've failed to find sources to back up. What he said was that 80%+ of divorces result in Mom with primary custody, but in cases where custody is contested Dads get primary 50% of the time. Others on the forum have heard similar stats, but would be very interested in stat references if anyone has seen something similar.