Time spent with the children

[dr_white]

learn these words!
TIME SPENT WITH THE CHILDREN
learn these words!

I never hear the end of people crying foul because they didn't win custody because of being Dads, fathers or male. STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES! It is NOT true! All you're doing is sabatoging your case by lying to yourself like that. The reason why you don't have custody of your kids is because you didn't spend the most time with them. Hate me all you want for saying it, but it is true. The most common reason why you didn't spend the most time with them - just like me - is that we were out working our jobs. Yes, I know. It sucks. We got drawn a bad lot for trying to take care of and provide for our families. But that is the true reason why we didn't get full custody of our kids.

I was in court earlier this week watching a court session before a Commissioner that is known to favor Fathers.
Some details about this case: The parents were fighting over their little girl. They had both "kidnapped" the girl from each other on various occasions. Both the mother and father had been meth druggies for a while. The father had remarried and had a family with step-children about the same age as his daughter. The mother was currently remarried to a convicted drug felon and moved out of State, violating a direct court order to not leave the State.
The Commissioner was nearly irrate with how the mother had behaved during the entire ordeal. He kept coming back to her screw-ups and kept mentioning how he was leaning towards the father. The attorneys all battled it out for over 2 hours. The Commissioner took it under review for nearly 40 minutes in his chambers. When he came back out, again he tallied the facts up and proclaimed that he was in favor of giving custody of the daughter to the father because the scales were tipped in his favor. Except for one thing. The Commissioner mentioned that there was just one hurdle that he couldn't over come: "who was the primary caretaker of the children". (In considering competing claims to custody between fit parents under the "best interests of the child" standard, considerable weight should be given to which parent has been the child's primary caregiver. Davis v. Davis, 749 P. 2d 647 - Utah: Supreme Court 1988). Time spent tending to the children = primary caregiver.
What had happened here is that when the child was born, the father skipped town and didn't make a reapprearance until a DNA test was done a year later that indicated he was indeed the father. Then, the father came back to see his kid and started the whole "kidnapping" ordeal. (However, it wasn't true kidnapping, because there wasn't a court order in place yet declaring custody one way or the other). The Commissioner was trying to find a way to give custody to the father. But because the father HADN'T SPENT THE TIME WITH HIS CHILDREN, i.e. he hadn't been the primary caregiver, and he lost custody.
Now, go back up to the top of this post and read that emphasized part again. If you want to win custody of your kids, you have to find a way to spend more time with them than the other parent.

[Fatheroffour]

You've been here since 2009 and you're just figuring that out? REALLY?

Ohhh, the irony between your posting and your signature .

[lohe]

...it's possible that some people do not get decent custody of their children because they were married to lying, manipulative abusers who will say or do anything to get custody simply for the satisfaction of hurting the other parent, but I don't say that from experience or anything

[dr_white]

No, Fatheroffour, I've known it for a long time. My point is that I keep coming across other fathers that constantly place the blame on their being male, and that the courts are specifically targeting out dads to take their kids from them, and that there's some big conspiracy going on behind closed doors that's out to get them just for being a man. From what I see time and time again in court, not true. Spending time tending to your kids is what will get you your kids. Some Fathers just won't see that and keep tossing out every excuse in the book. I figured I'd post that court session to refute all the extraneous lame excuses of any new Dads that came hear to direct them to stop wasting their time with excuses and, instead, start putting that time into their kids.

[defaultuser]

I basically gave up my career and became a work from home guy. Luckily, the employers in my industry recognize my worth (I'm good at what I do) and still want me. I also suspect that they respect me a lot for my decision to put the kids before my career.

Anyway, I'm actually able to get about 75% of my career goals while essentially being a stay at home Dad. In my current custody litigation, my former wife's attorney is basically saying that its unfair that I'm available to care for the kids all the time and will cancel any plans (both work or personal) to spend more time with my kids.

I'm all about what you're saying. And I'll agree with my X's attorney. Its unfair to her, sure. And I'll attain my goals when it comes to custody because I'm the one who's there for the kids, spends time with the kids, and makes sure the kids get what they need.

BTW, this is why not moving out, and getting favorable temporary custody is soooo important. The courts pretty much base their decision on what is, not what 'could be'. Its a shame too, because many breadwinner Fathers are willing and able to modify their work schedule for the kids but don't get a chance because the wife gets custody because she spends more time with them.

This is why presumptive 50/50 is a very important thing to get in the State law.

[Fatheroffour]

There is certainly anti male bias in the system.

Without a doubt.

Because we live in a white knight society.

[RC211V]

Absolutely, and it isn't a 'conspiracy'. It is so deeply ingrained in culture that people don't realize it is a bias... I'm not sure we have a word for something like that. The fact that you felt the need to post this indicates that you are just sort of starting to realize how it really is.

[Patrick Price]

Im more of a hands off conservative kinda guy. In 1986 I tried to get custody and the judge wouldnt hear of it. My ex made my life hell along with her mother that I was finally discouraged from seeing my kids. I waited until they were 18 yrs old before I could have a relationship with them & their still bitter about it. I would like to see my grandson but my daughter is punishing me over it. Oh well, life goes on. They dont know me and I dont know them. I tried to back peddle but it didnt work.