New and just starting

[Jeffaie]

Hello all, another new dad in the divorce column.

I am just starting the process and have a bit of a background I should give.

We got married 5 years ago she had a daughter that I adopted a month later, so she is legally mine. A year later we added my son to the mix. We don't have alot of money for an expensive drawn out divorce with legal staff.

Now the really icky part. The reason, a month ago she refused to come to bed and was crying, with my consistent asking she declared that she is a lesbian and that she was going to destroy everything. I was supportive at first telling her that we can look into ways of making a mixed marriage work. (<5% do after 2 years.) However, the next day she vanished for the next 36 hours I had no idea where she was. I felt completely disrespected and I have tried to contain my anger. (Not always the easiest thing to do) The next weekend she disappeared again and it has been downhill from there. I feel disrespected, she feels anger towards me. We do not argue in front of the kids, in fact the kids rarely see us together.

She wants to get a 50/50 split in custody, and we have enough furniture for the two of us to each fill an apartment. She wants to have custody during the day (she was a stay at home mom) and I have them in the evening and weekends. This essentially assures that I will probably not have much of a dating life for a few years, but I think I may have some trust issues to workout during that time period anyway. I have a good and steady job and all of our debt will be completely gone in the next two years.

How does one contain their anger in this situation, I can be a very passive aggressive person, I hate to fight but I feel like everything that makes me a man has been ripped from my very soul. I know logically that she never meant to hurt me in this way, but Gawd, really??? Where do I start?, how do we file?, will I ever be able to trust her or any other woman? Can someone just kick me in the junk to wake me up from this nightmare.?

[jamessick]

If you can get a lawyer together and write up a divorce agreement where she gets the kids during the day and you get them at night, DO IT! If she has so little respect for you now, you should give her exactly what she wants, before she learns that without overnights (which you will have) she is considered the non-custodial parent and you have primary.

That being said...Read The List stickied at the top of the forums. This will be your guide toward gaining the goals you set for the divorce. Apply the parts of the list that apply to your situation. Get a voice recorder ready. Start a journal of your time with your kids (if you haven't already). Then consult lawyers.

Oh, come back here, let us know how things are going.

[Fatheroffour]

Maybe your anger could be subsided knowing how bad of a position you are in concerning custody and how lucky you are she isn't evil and playing hardball.....yet.

Don't let the tide turn because of your anger. It's a natural enough feeling but if not properly harnessed it can cause a lot of damage. You seeing the kids every other weekend and paying maximum child support for these two children might change your outlook.

Her plan sounds great and she'll likely go with it until you get to the child support portion of the case. Her arrangement has you considered primary and her paying you the maximum amount of support. You have some strategizing to do to to figure out how to get what you want and get it signed ASAP.

[Jeffaie]

I have on several occasions have her stating in text messages (these have been secured) that she does not want me to pay child support, nor does she wish to receive child support. I do not know how admissible these are? We are currently still living under the same roof, however, we rarely see each other. I have in no way ever made a violent action toward her, and some of my txts to her are dripping with sarcasm and passive aggressive comments. She however has been seen throwing objects at me and has smashed items in front of the children. The kids tend to be a little bit frightened by her. On one of her dissapperances my daughter told me "Dad, its better when mom is gone for the weekend" She does not have enough money to get a lawyer, nor do I, but at least I have enough money to afford the housing we are currently in. I have apologized in those text messages for the comments but that is as far as my anger has gone.

[BartSimpson]

There have been dozens of Dads who have posted similar stories here - wifey "discovers" she was lesbian when another strong woman happens to help her out of the closet. Please search for the obvious keyword to see some of the lessons.

One thing is consistent with all of those stories, lesbian relationships are full of turmoil. It seems to double the drama for obvious reasons in the coming "out" phase. Be the stable rock for your kids. Wifey is going to be pretty illogical for awhile.

Which means her lifestyle should settle down before you consider giving her so much time with the kids. Check out the "Ms. Wonderful" strategy; you let her take off with the new girlfriend and you watch the kids all the time.

Do you know what a lesbian brings on a second date? A moving truck.

[Fatheroffour]

I have on several occasions have her stating in text messages (these have been secured) that she does not want me to pay child support, nor does she wish to receive child support. I do not know how admissible these are?

They are very admissible and also very irrelevant. Obviously changing ones mind is not against the law and what she says today isn't worth spit tomorrow. You've yet to reach the point where you can see how obvious that is.

Of course she doesn't want to bring child support into the mix. Her plan has her paying you. Wait until that changes and see what she believes.

[TransAm]

When she comes home, she smell like tuna?