New To Forum....

[mbczion]

I could not find a category for "introducing yourself", but suffice to say my wife dropped the bomb on my lap on March 15th telling me she wants to divorce me after just two weeks shy of being married for twelve years. I can't say I was surprised. Not only that, but I didn't even resist because I have been so miserable in this marriage for the past few years. I have felt neglected, if not borderline mentally abused. I was only hesitant to divorce my wife because of our two precious kids (10 year-old daughter and not quite 6 year-old son). I would have been willing to suffer hell for another 12 years (until my younger child graduated high-school) for the sake of our children. I loved them that much and didn't want to feel like I was abandoning them.

Our divorce process has barely started. My wife got a lawyer behind my back before even popping me with the "I want a divorce....", so I found a lawyer that is trying to get my wife and I to resolve this as amicably as possible. She has even spoken with my wife's lawyer who is also interested in getting this solved as amicably as possible, w/o going to court.

Incidentally, I live in Israel (I am assuming this forum is for divorced men the world over) where the women has virtually all the rights in the divorce, while the man has virtually nill. It is taken for granted that the mother gets primary child custody. The father has no INHERENT right to see the children and has to fight for them. There have been too many cases where the mother makes up bogus abuse charges and the father is limited to visiting his kids at some prison-like facility, supervised, and is not allowed to touch his kids, give them gifts, photograph them, or the like.

It is also a given that the father sends money every month to the mother to support the kids, which is about half his monthly salary. Don't get me wrong!!!! I want to be there for my kids, financially and otherwise, but I need to be able to live too. With what they expect me to live on after what will be left from my salary, I might as well tell them to arrest me now (at least I will have a roof over my head and three square meals a day) or crawl into a corner and die.

Even if my soon to be ex was to marry a rich man, start earning three times as much as me, win the lottery, come across a juicy inheritance, I would still be obligated to pay the same amount per month. Even if I was to lose my job and find another where I am only making two-thirds of what I am now, I would still be obligated to pay the same amount. Lastly, if I was to start making more money or marry a rich woman, I would be expected to pay more. In other words, the father's cash flow is watched under a microscope, while the mother has free run to earn, inherit, marry into, win, etc. as much $ as she wants.

I am REALLY scared for what awaits me. Aside from feeling depressed, like a failure, alone, etc. I am worried about what awaits my kids and I. Will I get to see them? How often? Will they ever be allowed to spend the night by me? How will my kids adjust?

I am glad I found this forum, if for no other reason to know I am not alone. Statistically, I knew already, but to chat with others in the same scenario is a whole different story!!!!

[Fatheroffour]

This forum deals primarially with divorce in the US but I imagine many issues are similar in whatever country you're in.

You should review the links in my signature. I imagine "Dont move out of the house" is universally good advice.

[a dad]

לא לצאת מהבית

or is it

لا خروج من المنزل

[tom kirkpatrick]

In America, this is the site that pretty much works for everybody. We also advise new dads to read The List.

viewtopic.php?f=9&t=13374

I can't promise that it'll work for you. But reading it will probably give you some ideas. Keep us posted.

Good luck.

Tom

[Trevor]

Even if my soon to be ex was to marry a rich man

Why did this pop into my head? Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum...All day long I'd biddy biddy bum...

Read The List. Welcome aboard.

[spritom]

Rough stuff, sorry to hear you're going through it. When you say "borderline" are you referring to "borderline personality disorder?" (I hope not)

While many legalities will be different, the overall concepts are similar.

* eat
* sleep
* get exercise
* have some sort of hobby/activity planned for yourself...even if it's a long time away
* be a great dad

Also, read The List....it spells out some of the things that can occur, though with a US slant...many of the concepts are likely similar.

Hang in there!

[spritom]

Even if my soon to be ex was to marry a rich man

Why did this pop into my head? Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum...All day long I'd biddy biddy bum...

Read The List. Welcome aboard.

Heh...I was singing that to my daughters the other day.

[jamessick]

Print out the List and take it to your lawyer. Find out what's allowed and what's not. Partner with the lawyer and get a plan together for how to stay in your children's lives.

[bhappy]

Not only that, but I didn't even resist because I have been so miserable in this marriage for the past few years. I have felt neglected, if not borderline mentally abused.

I hope you the best with your children, but I think you also need to focus on what's best for you. It sounds like you've lost touch. For that I recommend a book: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover. The book has a dedicated forum at:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/

[mbczion]

Thanks for all your replies, advice, and well wishes.

One ? caught my attention:

When you say "borderline" are you referring to "borderline personality disorder?" (I hope not)

While my STBX hasn't "officially" been diagnosed with being mentally ill, even her own mother (who, incidentally, I get along with and adores me) has said that she is "mentally ill and mean". For the past few years, living with my STBX has made living with the Wicked Witch of the West seem like living with Mary Poppins. My parents, when they visited our home, also managed to take pics of how she keeps/kept the apartment and sent them to a psychologist who said she has mental issues.

I have also read most of "the list". It seems like the family court in America also has it in for the father. Not surprising. It is kind of like a form a reverse discrimination mentality to stick it to ALL fathers to get back at the minority who REALLY did abuse their wives and/or kids.

FWIW, I am not looking for revenge or spite. I TRULY hope my STBX and I can resolve everything as amicably, cheaply, and most importantly with as little trauma as possible (especially for our kids). However, I am playing my cards right and not trusting her any further than I can throw her, while simultaneously trying to remind myself that she is still our kids' mother and if she gets hurt they will get hurt. It is a fine line I need to walk.

Other than that, I am too overwhelmed at the moment to comment on the rest of "the list".

Thanks again for all the welcomes/responses.