I'm a woman faced with a dilemma

[Sadlostmom]

I know this board is for support of men going through the process, but I have been on others where women dole out the most hideous advice. I'm in turmoil over the possibility of my marriage ending and I want to do what is right for my family.

A brief history, my husband has a mental illness with periods of stability and then periods of unpredictable instability. There have been several commitments to mental hospitals in the last 20 years. He is quite moody and angry at times, and when these times occur he is emotionally and verbally abusive to our 6 year old. My husband can go 3 months with no outbursts, the only thing I witness is some odd behaviors that are not unhealthy, but just a screaming reminder that he is mentally ill. He is a successful hard worker and does travel a bit for work, so there are times he is gone for days and times ip to a week.

He is actively involved in our sons life and they absolutely adore each other. I am our sons primary care taker as my husband has basically ceased caring for sons personal care needs once he was out of diapers. Diaper changing was his limit. I do 100% of daily care for our son as I am a stay at home mother. I am happy to do this. My husband takes very good care of us financially. I do not spend money on myself, however I am guilty of buying my son gifts/toys/games against husbands wishes. I am not an over spender, do not socialize, go out for meals or out with friends, and I respect the income that my husband brings home.

With all that said, my husband is very aggressive and abusive towards me for duration of our marriage. We have sought counseling, had some success but his mental illness seems to be much stronger than any work we have put into the marriage. I do not want to split up our family, but I can no longer emotionally handle the ups and downs and the lack of respect and the name calling and the screaming any longer.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't brief...lol But I need some advice from people on the outside as I am so enmeshed in his mental illness and I want to do this the right way. I want us to share our son equally. But I'm scared to death that something will happen and I'm not there to be the buffer. Aside from his moods and outbursts, he is a wonderful loving dad and our son loves and worships his daddy. He is a super hero to him. But how do i protect my child and make sure he gets his time with his dad? When my husband is very very ill it's quite obvious that he would need supervised visits, but what about the times in-between where he says really inappropriate stuff that is verbally abusive? Is that something I need to let go and chalk it up to "bad parenting" moments or is this something that should be addressed before we hammer out parenting time?

I'm so sick over this and want to hear from others that are intelligent, rather than "screw him, he shouldn't see his kid, he can have eow" I am in a state that is notorious for the eow. I even feel guilty asking for help from a men's board but I'm just at a loss and the guilt is immeasurable.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom. If you need additional details I can provide them

[Fatheroffour]

Given that printed text doesn't accurately reflect how something is said, give some examples of him being emotionally and verbally abusive to the child.

[Thermite]

Hope you'll understand if I (and others) take your post with a grain of salt, since so many of us have been accused of being "abusive" and other assorted total BS.

I'm so sick over this and want to hear from others that are intelligent, rather than "screw him, he shouldn't see his kid, he can have eow" I am in a state that is notorious for the eow.

But first, what state are you in? (Almost sounds like Illinois...)

[BartSimpson]

I know this board is for support of men going through the process, but . . .

Not much for playing by the rules, huh.

[NewReality]

Husband is hard-working, successful, loves his kid... but at same time has severe mental illness, and is abusive to wife.

You've come to the right place for advise, because that's all of our stories, as well.

My advise: just learn your place and do as you're told.

[Sadlostmom]

Given that printed text doesn't accurately reflect how something is said, give some examples of him being emotionally and verbally abusive to the child.

I would consider screaming in child's face, cursing at him and giving silent treatment to a 5-6 year old abusive. There are Interactions that occur between them that I am not comfortable with as well, but I have enough sense to realize that it's a difference in parenting styles, as well as a dad being a dad to a boy. I'm not talking about those things. Dads parent boys way different than moms do, so I have come to accept this.

[Sadlostmom]

Husband is hard-working, successful, loves his kid... but at same time has severe mental illness, and is abusive to wife.

You've come to the right place for advise, because that's all of our stories, as well.

My advise: just learn your place and do as you're told.

I guess anyone that wants to assist me in suggesting viable solutions for my family will just have to take my word for it. I want to know what I can do to protect my son while also sharing parenting with my husband. I do not want to go for supervised, it's not necessary unless it becomes extreme. The extreme is dangerous and the last 2times it occurred there were police involved and my husband was involuntarily committed. I am asking for help with suggestions for parenting plans, mediation, what sounds sensible, what sounds like a nervous mommy, what is possible and what is ridiculous. I'm not just throwing accusations around. This man has a documented illness as well as being a drug addict in order to self medicate. Believe me or not, help me or not. I'm asking for help because I am scared and want to do the right thing.

[secondhalf]

several commitments to mental hospitals

I feel for you. However, coming from the "guys perspective" everything I here from a woman wanting out of a marriage is taken with extreme caution. Sorry, but that is the way it is; afterall statistics I have read indicate that in 1988 women initiated about 65% of the divorces and some statistics I have read indicate that percentage is now over 70%.

I suspect some women would argue that the woman just is able to see the irreconcilable differences. However, from my perspective I feel that women just give up easier.

Having state all of that, like I say, I do feel for you as on the surface it does seem that you are in quite a dillema. I have some questions. Were the commitments to mental hospitals voluntary or involuntary? Has there been a diagnosis? Has there been chemical treatment offered and if so does your husband stay on his treatment? The above questions are asked more to encourage you to think about certain things rather than a direct answer being needed on this forum.

[Sadlostmom]

several commitments to mental hospitals

I feel for you. However, coming from the "guys perspective" everything I here from a woman wanting out of a marriage is taken with extreme caution. Sorry, but that is the way it is; afterall statistics I have read indicate that in 1988 women initiated about 65% of the divorces and some statistics I have read indicate that percentage is now over 70%.

I suspect some women would argue that the woman just is able to see the irreconcilable differences. However, from my perspective I feel that women just give up easier.

Having state all of that, like I say, I do feel for you as on the surface it does seem that you are in quite a dillema. I have some questions. Were the commitments to mental hospitals voluntary or involuntary? Has there been a diagnosis? Has there been chemical treatment offered and if so does your husband stay on his treatment? The above questions are asked more to encourage you think about certain things rather than a direct answer being needed on this forum.

I will answer in tne event anyone has advice. The commitments were involuntary. He was delusional, psychotic and paranoid. There is a dual diagnosis of bipolar with the drug addiction. His last commitment he was provided a dual treatment for a week inpatient and was given the option to continue outpatient which he refused. He stabilized after a few medication changes, however he was only compliant for a short time. He pulled himself off all meds after about 13 months. He has been off medications for 2 years and continues to self medicate all day long. His family has addressed him with taking something "light" to offset his triggers but he states he has no mental illness other than the periodic manic episode.

[Thoughts?]

My ex would've made similar statements about me, except for the involuntary committed & police drama that you just added to the thread. I was briefly depressed after having to lay off some staff & went on meds. Had it recur during the divorce. Have had issues with anxiety as well. And when I get depressed or anxious, I can get short-tempered - read angry.

But comparatively speaking, when the psych evals came back during custody, I was found to be the most healthy. Ex was off the scale on NPD & OCD with severe personality disorders, and thought all mental illness was a bad thing. Mine was monitored & controlled, with regular follow-up appointments, hers was not.

Reality is untreated mental illness is a bad thing. She built up quite the case for herself being the victim, but the psych tests blew through her facade. She's really done a number on the kids, practicing severe alienation, and is unable to hold down decent employment for anything longer than 6 months.

In your case, assuming he has real mental illness, he should be under a psychiatrist's care, and getting counseling. The only advice I can offer is include provisions that require him to continue with that care and stay on any prescribed meds until discharged by his psychiatrist / physician. If you're telling me on one hand he holds down a good job, and on the other he's so violent the police have to get involved & he's been involuntarily committed, the dots are not connecting. Either he's being treated & monitored, or he isn't.

The bottom line here is we're not in a position of helping you much. You're in effect asking us to help a woman place limits around a dad's parenting role based upon a one-sided description -- that's not backed by side-by-side comparisons of each of you, which is what the court would order.

And no, we just won't take your word for it. The issue is this is a dad's board, and many narcicists / professional victims build cases that sound remarkably like yours, but don't reflect reality when a professional custody or psych evaluation is performed. Am locking this as it's distracting from the board's primary mission.