I have a dilemna on my hands....

[eddied39]

Currently living with a woman who has two teenage boys. One is 12 and the other is 17. My two kids have been over multiple times and are comfortable there.

At first, this is going to sound trivial so bear with me. This past Sunday my son leaves several empty bottles on a side table next to couch. GF and I joke about it for a couple of days. Her 12 yr. old tells her that he cleaned them up to which I thank him and tell him he didn't need to do it. My son should have done it. GF comments about how her son never cleans up his own stuff let alone clean up for someone else. I mention my son should thank him next time he's with us.

My son and I get to house yesterday. Her youngest is there along with my GF's ex. I tell my son he should thank her youngest for cleaning up his stuff to which the ex chimes in and says he did it and not the youngest. Surprised I say nothing and quite frankly was about to think nothing of it. That was until youngest says, "as long as you don't tell my mom". Ex laughs and nothing else happens.

In my car, I tell my son that I'm not in support of youngest saying not to say anything and that I'll be addressing it. My intent was to be sure my son understands my disapproval, how I've taught him to not lie etc. and that I still expect him to tell the truth and not hide things.

My issue is I don't want to have another relationship where secrets and lies are a part of it. I'm not sure what to do about the comment "not to tell my mom". It feels like I'm colluding with the kid and I want to be totally open and hinest in this relationship. I get the multiple dynamics going on here. I'm also willing to leave it alone but get concerned that my GF will find out somehow and turn to me in knowing about his lie as well as supporting his request to not say anything to her.

Thoughts on what I should do appreciated.

[Bubba Seal]

Theres some major red flags to deal with. Parenting, lying.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with the GF about all of this, if not its going to drive you nuts.

Good Luck

[eddied39]

Theres some major red flags to deal with. Parenting, lying.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with the GF about all of this, if not its going to drive you nuts.

Good Luck

Thanks Bubba!

There are major red flags here. I'm fearful of what will happen with all of this. I can't see the other side to this issue. She can side with the kid thinking I have something against him. She can just blow it off which will drive me nuts. She can address her son which in turn he'll have an issue with me and in turn could do something to get back at me by making something I did up.

Sux really. My past has been littered with lying, deceit, manipulation and hiding things from those I love. I'm too old for that crap now. I want to change that behavior and live a full life.

[dadmisseskids]

major red flags to deal with.

I'm not sure if this classifies as a major red flag. It's pretty benign as far as I'm concerned. A major red flag would be him asking you to lie about smoking pot, not some bottles left on the table. I understand the bigger issue is lying about cleaning it up, but that's where you relay your thoughts as adult to a child and take the opportunity to teach the kid something.

You've spoken to him about it. It's over and done with. If it happens again, I'd react differently, but something like this seems like a trivial issue, especially if it's the first time its happened.

[BartSimpson]

You better revisit this pure-honesty-thingy you have . . . it's not going to protect you.

Do you tell your girlfriend she's having a bad hair day?

Sometimes there is generosity in our actions - called little white lies.







And you son should be lectured on cleaning up after himself, this whole "honesty" lesson is just diluting the real issue. If he had cleaned up, would there be a problem?

[eddied39]

major red flags to deal with.

I'm not sure if this classifies as a major red flag. It's pretty benign as far as I'm concerned. A major red flag would be him asking you to lie about smoking pot, not some bottles left on the table. I understand the bigger issue is lying about cleaning it up, but that's where you relay your thoughts as adult to a child and take the opportunity to teach the kid something.

You've spoken to him about it. It's over and done with. If it happens again, I'd react differently, but something like this seems like a trivial issue, especially if it's the first time its happened.

I get your point. For me, it's all about knowing something about my GF's son, regardless of what it is, and me holding it in instead of being up front and open with her. My relationship with her is what's most important here and being able to have a meaningful reltaionship without conditions or reservations. Something I've never done, nor had, in ANY past relationships.....lover, GF, wife or friend.

Also, I certainly could take the opportunity to teach the kid something since it was obvious that his dad thought no big deal in his lying and asking that his mom not be told. I have to be careful in doing that as well. He's not the most receptive kid when being told to be responsible.

[eddied39]

You better revisit this pure-honesty-thingy you have . . . it's not going to protect you.

Do you tell your girlfriend she's having a bad hair day?

Sometimes there is generosity in our actions - called little white lies.

And you son should be lectured on cleaning up after himself, this whole "honesty" lesson is just diluting the real issue. If he had cleaned up, would there be a problem?

Good point on my son. Thought of that as well and did have conversation with him about it.

Revisit the pure-honesty-thingy? As a recovering alcoholic involved in AA, it's part of my dilemna in all this. How to live right, do the next right thing, "our secrets are what destroys us", etc.

[Fatheroffour]

Total honesty is a load of BS.

People lie. Sometimes for very good reasons and usually not but anyone that declares themselves "totally honest" is only kidding themselves.

[BartSimpson]

If AA is creating this dilemna, and it obviously is, then you might want to investigate alternatives.

A number of science-based programs exist - SMART, Rational Recovery, SOS, Lifering - and the fact remains that those who are most successful at stopping compulsive drinking simply quit.

Much has changed in our understanding of drinking problems over the last 20 years, and that religion of sobriety - you realize the Courts have determined AA is a religion - started by a couple of fella's in the 30's - might have reached it's useful purpose in your life.

[eddied39]

Total honesty is a load of BS.

People lie. Sometimes for very good reasons and usually not but anyone that declares themselves "totally honest" is only kidding themselves.

Okay....given your status here and what I've seen in your guiding others, I respect your comments.

In giving it some thought, I'm going to approach it with the son directly. I have to address something I did anyway and need to apologize to him for my actions in another situation. Minor action on my part but still feel my addressing it with him is important so he knows I realize my own mistakes and hold myself accountable.

While doing so, I plan on expressing my discomfort in his not wanting me to mention it to his mother while also letting him know my thoughts on personal responsibility. Hopefully, planting the seed for him in the future in similar circumstances while knowing where I stand with it. Has it's pitfalls but I think that may the right way to go.