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I would have been much more aggressive on expecting my then-wife to straighten up her act, meaning 2 months instead of 18 before pulling the D trigger on her cheating hosebag self.
And I would have managed my atty much better, driving the case to court instead of letting her bleed me until I was broke and in debt, at which point she quit the case, followed by opposing counsel (may his head rot off) smelling blood in the water and finishing me.
I would've played hardball from day 1 and not been manipulated:
1. I wouldn't have taken the travel job I have now (it was her idea to "save" the marriage) 2. When she left, I would've not let her take the kids 3. I would've filed the day she left 4. I wouldn't have paid her a dime without a court order
I have the rest of my life to regret those decisions. While I had noble intentions, those intentions will not mean anything to my kids if she wins custody and they are primarily raised by a bipolar, unstable woman who only wants custody to save her public face.
I have the ability to tell my children, when and if they ever care, that I left the door open as long as I could for their mother to come back and stop this nonsense. And I can honestly say that now, I understand how meaningless that will be.
I would much rather have the ability to tell them, when and if they ever care, that I had to make a tough decision and file for divorce to protect them & look out for their best interests. Their mother is not equipped, mentally or emotionally, to take care of them on her own.
There's so much - but for me I would have taken away and sold the minivan in my name. They wrote it into the decree that she would cover payments - she didn't. It got repo-ed and is on my credit report as such. That's a baddie to have on there. But live and learn.
I can't say I wouldn't have ever dated him b/c I wouldn't have to neato little kids now, and I wouldn't be the wise and overly-responsible young person I am if it weren't for what I went through. But... I would have not given so much slack and made excuses for him even after we separated. Filed charges for animal abuse. I would have filed the restraining orders like I was begged to. Would have moved again immediately once I found out he was breaking into my apartment to go through my stuff. Would not have given him unsupervised visits with the girls, knowing he was drunk/high. Given the entire scoop that I knew regarding his involvement in a bank robbery, instead of playing dumb when questioned by police & FBI. Hmmm...
Basically, like every guy on here, I would not have believed all the carp he spouted at me, to keep me in a position of fear. If I had spoken to an attorney, I would have known that he was full of sht & trying to baffle me w/ BS and I wouldn't have been so worried that I might lose my kids (to him?? what was I thinking/??) if I went through the courts.
BUT THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE... after our wedding ceremony, when he refused to sign the marriage certificate because he "didn't want the government tracking him", I DIDN'T MAKE IT AN ISSUE. Thank the gods for that, because that meant I didn't have to actually divorce him!! Best stupid decision EVER.
bionic wrote:They wrote it into the decree that she would cover payments - she didn't. It got repo-ed and is on my credit report as such.
I was stupid when I was in college and learned some lessons the hard way. I ruined my credit before I ever even graduated. I did find out though...that if you contest the entry on your credit report 5 years later (instead of 7), most creditors normally won't spend the money or time to pull the records back up out of the archives and answer the dispute. When they don't dispute, the credit bureau drops it from your record. So, my credit report was spotless about 5 years after the last missed/late payment I had on any of my accounts instead of waiting the normal 7 years.
I would change several specific things, all related to one, big-picture failure of mine - do not waiver. Things like:
- I should have filed for divorce when I told her I was going to, instead of letting her talk me into an extended separation - I should have gone for the legal maximum monetary support from her instead of letting her crying act sway me into taking on nearly all costs of raising my daughter (for the last 10 years) - etc.
It isn't that I wasn't strong; rather, I wasn't consistently strong.
I would have realized that things only change when someone really wants them to. That despite all of the "best efforts" and rational(i use that lightly) thinking, planning and compromising at the end of the day a person chooses there own path.
I would have realized a few years into it that those red-flags are there for a reason, and I need to prepare accordingly instead of being sucked lifeless trying to fight against something that I never could win against.
Lastly I would have realized that while decisions and choices where made on my part that I feel guilty for forgiveness of myself requires i acknowledge im not a bad person. That in the end who I really am without constant chaos is OK, I am not the person that they think I am and self-projected themselves onto me.
Never let anyone take a position in your life higher than god, and never let anyone bring you down so low that you feel inferior to them.