If I could do it over...

Advice on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation advice for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: If I could do it over...

Postby Here_We_Go » Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:34 pm

I would have acted like the judge was there every night i was at home with nj prior to temp orders.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby atoice » Tue Jun 19, 2012 7:15 pm

Try marriage counseling....and found this site during...to plan the divorce and lay some land-mines down.

I also would have been more aggressive from the beginning.
(But, the parenting experts are so far in my corner is the rumor.)
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby ohio dad 007 » Tue Jun 19, 2012 9:31 pm

I would have her sign a temp order... during the separation we were getting along. I had my S3 and her D6 50/50 without any CS. Then she got a lawyer and met her current b/f and everything changed for the worse. I now have my S4 50/50 (had to fight hard for this) and have to pay the NJ CS. Are incomes are relatively close and i do not believe I should give her a dime. We are now in court for the < parenting time > of her bio-daughter (who I help raise and she has always known me as "dad" since she was 1.5yo)
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby ScottYoung » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:14 am

I feel for the people in the situations I am reading about where people realize that they should have either fought harder, not moved from their residence or took a more aggressive approach. Unfortunately, it is hard to overturn or have cases reevaluated, which is why I always encourage that people that may only be considering a divorce, consult with a legal professional.

I always remind them that just because they are speaking with a divorce lawyer, doesn't mean they are actually bound to filing for one. It is important to seek advice prior to embarking on the process.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby TJP123 » Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:52 pm

Wouldn't have left my home, family, job, house to move to another state with her so she could find a job she was "happy" with that happened to be close to her family. All because I thought it was "for the betterment of the family." 3 months after we moved she talked with an attorney. 3 months later I was being served with papers.

Also, wish I was clued into certain mental disorders long ago. Reading what I read now, I was enabling her behavior. I allowed her to walk all over me, put my feelings, wants, needs on the back burner...again, for the "greater good of the family." And now I'm stuck in a < feces > state, 1,500 miles away from my family, having to start from scratch at a new job (again), leaving the job and client base I spent 5 years building. Looking back, I now see it was just a matter of time (b/c of her mental disorders). I do have a wonderful little girl out of it though, I just hope her mom doesn't mess her up too much.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby Disparity » Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:17 pm

I would have listened more. It appears that the more women talk the more men don't listen. I didn't hear what she was saying or didn't understand the ramifications of not giving up control to her.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby Trevor » Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:05 pm

^^ Only if by listening more you would have awakened to the BS sooner. Giving up control of your world is never a good solution for your happiness. Sharing, sure, I get it. Giving over control? Not ever.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby Fatheroffour » Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:08 pm

Looks like Disparity is shouldering all the blame. Hopefully a close friend has taken his sword from him before he jumps on it.
Everyone lies.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby texasdad2012 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:41 am

First of all, I really liked and related to this:

"Trying to restore a relationship from a position of relative weakness leads to automatic loss of everything near & dear to you....you have to give up too much just to level the playing field, to come out happy means giving all of it up."

Things I would have done differently, knowing what I know now:

* clued-in to the subtle messages contained in the new songs on her iPod playlist
* quit trusting her at least long enough to notice the hundred-or-so telltale signs of infidelity that I was completely oblivious to
* not spent $1500+ trying to save a marriage that only one of us wanted to save
* not believed her comments designed to justify herself and make me feel worthless
* taken more advantage of her guilt and willingness to compromise to get a better settlement (instead I was still trying to be "a nice guy")
* not been as generous in our division of assets (most of which she promptly sold for cash after we moved apart)
* valued our last happy moments together more, although I didn't know they were to be our last at the time
* not spent so much on match.com rebound dates that came & went

One thing I would not change is that we did it pro se, without lawyers. All in all, my settlement is much more favorable to those guys I know who battled it out and spent tons on legal fees in the process. It's not for everyone but if you can agree on most things and negotiate the rest, it's relatively painless. Our total divorce cost: $240.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Postby BubbaGumpShrimp » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:37 pm

Disparity wrote:I would have listened more. It appears that the more women talk the more men don't listen. I didn't hear what she was saying or didn't understand the ramifications of not giving up control to her.

Seriously? :roll: You view it as your fault for not giving her more control than she already had?
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