Not mad - not angry - just want out...

[bransboys]

The title sort of tells it. My wife and I were wrong from the start. I have surfed through this and other sites and I see so many people who loathe their STBX (I learned that little acronym) and many probably have a good reason. I am in a little different situation. I do not hate or loath my STBX but I do know when a bad situation can only get worse. We fight (yes) but who doesn't. Actually, our fighting has subsided alot in the past year two years or so. In the first 5 years it was bad - pretty much occurring several times a day. Unfortunately, I believe the decrease in our fighting is because I avoid any topics that would throw us into a fight. My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years - then divorced for 2 1/2 while we went to school (tuition difference) remarried and have been for the last 7 years - so I have "learned" what I can talk about and what I can not. A huge problem in this is that there just isn't much that we CAN talk about.

As I stated earlier, in the beginning it was bad. So much tension in the house. We stayed together for all sort of the same reasons everyone else does (kids - 15 y.o daughter I adopted and love more than life and a 5 y.o. son that is my world as well), we make good money together and we seem to do well together on the business end (school, house buying, investments, etc...). We are good parents but lousy lovers.

My wife and I have only gone out together (alone) maybe 5 times total in our entire marriage (and that includes dinners). Twice we actually tried to go out to a club and it turned disasterous. My wife now refuses to go out with me - citing issues that I make her feel uncomfortable. She told me once that she "feels like when we go out, I expect her to have fun and sometimes she just doesn't want to have fun..." We don't go out. I am no means a partier - but I would like to go out and have a few drinks once a month (or twice a month) or maybe go dancing or even catch a movie or something. Instead, I go to movies alone (or with my kids) and occassionally (during football season) I go over to the local pub and catch a game, eat wings, and have a few beers. I have taken my son a few times but I don't drink when he is with. We have wings and soda.

I take trips to see my cousins get married, or visit family and I go alone or with my kids. My wife doesn't like my family. When we have gone on trips back home (7 hours) I drive and my wife falls asleep. We never talk - but of course we never have anything to talk about. I deployed (military) for 7 months this year. I got an email every other day for the first two months but they never really said anything. We both knew that our marriage was "dead" so we made a good effort in trying to being something back. I really believe my wife does not want the marriage to dissolve. At least that is what she says - but her actions seem to say differently. Anyway, the emails reduced to once a week, then once every other week, to once in a while, to almost never. I mentioned it to my wife several times and she admitted knowing it and feeling bad about it, but she stated that it was just too much to try to get online and write. I have to admit, even when she wrote it would be to tell me how the kids are doing, what the weather was like or what the people she works with are like. We never really talked about us. When I tried to discuss us or anything about our relationship it would cause a fight - she told me she was just tired of always discussing it and that we should just live and not focus on it. When the emails slowed and even stopped - I did not really mind it. It would have been different if something was ever "said", but...

I came back from deployment 5 weeks ago and the honeymoon state was all right. She took the first day off and we had lunch. It was nice. She did her best to appear genuinely attempting to make an effort in "proving" to me that she loved me and that I was the most important person in her life. We only fought about 4 times in the first two weeks. After the first two weeks it is "life as usual" at our house. We are both working our jobs and when we are off, we find ways to stay apart. I drove down to see my brother so she went north to visit her sister. I went to a welcome home party at a friends. She stayed for about an hour and half and then left telling them to call her when I needed "picked up". We got there at 6 pm, she left at 7:30 and I was picked up at 9:30. The saddest thing is that I don't care and neither is she... unless I want to leave. Then I am sure she will tell me how much she loves me and that I am not trying. I rotate and currently have been on nights - she works banker hours... it works.

I could list a million things that I miss or lack. My wife has not come up to have lunch with me at work in 4 years. I am a nurse. My wife came to the hospital once to get my son immunized. It was during the lunch hour. I happened to call her around 1pm (I was just getting back from lunch) she told me she was just "up there". I asked where and she told me. I asked her why she didn't come have lunch with me - she told me that she doesn't know where (in the hospital) I work. I just shook my head. I got angry and told her that she has to be the only spouse from this hospital that doesn't know where her husband works. We got into a huge fight and I am the bad guy because I make such a big deal out of little things... Yes, I know... it almost seems that I am playing the female role and my wife is the typical "don't give a crap" husband. Believe me... I have thought this exact same thing. Except, even the apathetic husbands want sex more than once a month. Not my wife. Oh she'll lay there and do it - because "she knows I enjoy it"... but even that turns my stomach anymore. I mean... imagine climbing on top of someone and having a go when you know they are not into it and they are just counting down the moments when you are done. I feel like I am violating her or something and I do not enjoy it.

Finally, I am up on orders. I am heading 4 hours away for a year and then clear across the country for another year and a half. My wife is staying here in our house. Now, we have agreed that this is the "best thing" for the kids and her career - but I believe it is for other reasons. My wife has been placed in a good position at her work and she is just now finally getting her career off the ground. She has a BS and a Masters (finance) (which I worked two jobs during - supported her and paid cash for the degrees) and is now climbing up the corporate rungs. I am happy for her. I agree that it IS a bad time for her to transfer. My daughter is a freshman in high school and she is in a really good school. I know that she would not want to leave and I do not believe she should have to. I do agree that them staying here (especially since I am only at the one duty station for a year) is best for them - but sadly I feel like I am agreeing more so just so that I can go up North alone. If I was in a better relationship - I would go up north (4 hours away) alone (maybe) but I sure as heck wouldn't go across the country alone. It amazes me that my wife is okay with this and she thinks that in 3 years we will just move back in together and not miss a beat. Funny thing is, I believe we probably could because there just isn't too much here.

So I want out. I want out and I want to know what anyone thinks about my settlement to her. I want to avoid lawyers. We have discussed this several times before and we both agree that there is no reason for someone else to have a chunk of what is "ours" when we should be able to settle our business ourselves. So I am hoping that we can mediate this without lawyers.

Custody will be joint with her as primary. ONLY because I am going up North for a year and I can not raise them on my own. When I go across country I will be interning and that is 16 hour days for 18 months. They would basically be raising themselves and that is not going to happen. Their mother is a good mom and they would do much better with her while I am serving these orders. When I have fulfilled these orders, my daughter will be graduated from high school and starting college. We have paid her college tuition in advance (almost $40K) and that money is hers - not an issue during the divorce. My son will just be finishing 3rd grade when these orders are up. We have already put $22k into his tuition program and that is also not an issue during divorce. I would sell my soul to be able to get him full time after this, but I am afraid that will probably not happen unless I can convince the STBX that he would be better off with me. This is debatable... we are both great parents. I think it will come down to where he wants to be. My STBX will not keep him just to keep him - but we both love the kids so much that it will be hard either way. I will not fight her though. I will not put my kids through anything like that. I will accept the decision and I will still be the best father I can be.

Child support: According to Virginia law (based on both of our incomes) - the CS calculators have me paying her $1058 a month. Well, our mortgage is $1850.00/month. I am agreeing to pay the mortgage as well as our one credit card debt (13k - $400/mo) and our home security bill (40/mo) and our time share maintenance fee ($50/mo). My total monthly allocation will be $2350.00/month. She will be required to pay her car payment ($400), the utilities ($450), her cell phone (40), leaving her about $1300.00/month for groceries, auto fuel, and what nots... She gets to stay in that house no questions asked for the next 3 years (4 if my daughter attends the local community college during her first year of college). My daughter stays in her school. However, it will be agreed that the house then gets either sold or she gives me 65% of the equity in the home. Currently, that equity is approximately $100k. Our house will sell. The homes in our neighborhood last on the market an average of 72 hours. It is appraised at about $439,000 and the school district is one of the best in the country. The reason I am to get 65% is because I am paying so much more than required to allow her to stay in that home. My wife could never afford to stay if I only gave her the amount required by law. She would have to move and my daughter would have to change schools. Neither I nor my STBX would want this to happen. My wife offered a similar scenario about two years ago (we were close to calling it quits then too). However, she offered me all of the equity after the sale but I do not feel that is fair.

After I pay out the above amount. I will have about $3000/mo left. After my rent up north, my car payment, utilities, and my cell phone, I have about $1000.00 a month left for groceries and gas. However, I do not have the expenses that come with having the children. I am carrying full medical and full dental on them through the military. My wife will keep coverage until we are officially divorced (takes a year) and then I think she can continue coverage on herself through tricare at a very reasonable cost (much better than any other health care coverage out there).

So we each keep our own car - my wife: 1998 BMW 328. Me: 2002 Mustang GT. We split the time share usage every other year (or we sell it and split the amount - probably about 15K...) She keeps her IRA (approx 16K) I keep mine (approx $2500). I do have a military pension that I am at 12 years (of 20 needed) and my wife will probably agree to leaving alone. If she does not - she is entitled to 1.25% for every year we were married. Since we were divorced before, she is entitled to 1.25% x 7 years = almost 9% out of 50% retirement. Which is 18% of my retirement pay. In calculating = that would figure to be about $720.00 out of a $3700.00 a month. I look at it this way - if she is entitle then she is entitle. However, she has also put money into her IRA and I am entitle to that too. I have no intentions of touching that. Again, she has told me before that she would not go after my retirement - but I know people change once divorce starts.

As for our possessions - the rest is whatever. I won't fight her over the rest of the stuff. We each have jewelry and we'll keep our own stuff. Her stuff is ALOT more valuable then mine and I have no use for it. The TV's and stereos and stuff - who am I kidding? That stuff is the kids any way. The pictures will get split. My clothes are mine and hers are hers. The furniture belongs in that house. I have no desire to go to court for furniture...

Well that is the long end of it. I would like any thoughts from anyone. However, please no "you are stupid and you are going to get screwed..." etc. My marriage is over and I know it. I am basically getting screwed now. I make good money and I provide really well and I get nothing from my wife for it, accept her presence. Not even recognition... I just want my freedom and a chance while I am still young (I am 34) to start over. Besides, take my kids out of the equation and I really don't give 2 sh@#s about the rest. Everything I have I can buy again. I have a good career and a valuable skill. I make good money and I will for the rest of my life. I want my kids but I am man enough to admit that in this situation, they are better off with their mother - for now.

Thanks for reading.

Bransboys

[CBH'sDaddy]

Bransboy,

First I praise your Courage and your loyality to your family. I read your post and I can feel how you are feeling. I know you want what is best for your kids. It seems like you got your mind and have a Very SOLID Plan.

Are you sure your STBX will agree to a divorce? Usually no one wins in a Divorce but yours seems like Everyone will win. I praise you for willing to Help your STBX.

My only question is how did the first divorce go? Was is a bad? Was laywers envolve?

My suggestion is to talk to your wife and if she agrees on everthing you wrote with the assest seperation then you will definetly need to consult a laywer to get the paper work file.

Good luck and Keep us updated.

[bransboys]

Scottsemail & CBH's Daddy:

Thank you very much for the posts. It is a big relieve to hear that others feel very similar in my point of view. I think I will always have guilt but is guilt much different from feeling dead inside? Either way, the feelings are negative and unhealthy. So as both of you stated, I just want to try to live a better life for myself without having to try to live a life where I am focused on someone elses happiness more so than my own.

Don't get me wrong, I am all about making someone else happy - but there has to be a little something from the other end. Even just a little acknowledgement or some sort of sign showing love (and not just something done in order to "check off the box". By that I mean it sometimes seems as though when my wife does do something it is only in order to "check the box" off of things that NEEDED to be done - like taking out the trash.

One of you asked about the last divorce. No, there were no lawyers involved. We were faced with both of us returning to college and she was able to get 75% off of her tuition if she were not married. However, the only reason we went ahead with the divorce was because we were both ready to call it quits. We fought all the time, we were younger and jsut wanted a little freedom. So we filed. We filed in August and had to attend a class for divorced "parents". 90 days later, the divorce was done and papers were delivered. It was completely uncontested. We worked out the custody and child support and the division of property amongst ourselves. There was never an issue about it and once it was done - it was done.

We did have one issue where I came by a couple of days after Christmas (at her request) to put together some shelves that she bought. I started to put them together and she was asking what I was up to. I had gone out the night before with a cousin of mine (I hadn't seen him in 7 years) who was up to attend his Aunts funeral. We went out, had too much to drink and my sister came up and drove us home. My then exwife through a fit because my sister (who she did not like) drove our "old car". It was so stupid that I just got up and started to walk out of the apartment. She then said my name and when I turned around, she punched me right in the face. My neighbor saw it and I had her arrested for assault. In court, a month later, I dropped the charges (I would have ended up paying them anyway) and she has NEVER tried to hit me again and that was almost 9 years ago.

So anyway, as I stated, our last divorce was worked out amongst ourselves and it remained in place for 2 1/2 years. However, there is a much bigger estate this go around - but fortunately she is now educated and employed nicely. I can not see her even wanting to go to court simply because I am offering her way over the maximum amount that a judge will order me to pay. By taking me to court, she incurrs the costs of legal representation as well as hoping to receive a settlement less than what I am initially offering. That makes no sense whatsoever, and in my opinion it is not something I fear. If this were to turn out to be a big legal battle, then I would hire an attorney and the money to pay him would simply come out of "our" estate (savings, etc...). When it would be over I would have a monthly obligation less than what I am offering and there would be no guilt because it would be the avenue in which she chose to pursue. I mean less face it: the law is set at equal distribution. We both get half - usually. Well in my scenario I am only asking for maybe 25% of the property. Equal debt - I am taking on 75% of it. Joint custody - she can't stop that in any court. Child support - $1038 is the law and I am offerng almost $2500.00. So as I said, her going to court is financially better for me and if it happens - I won't lose sleep over it.

Bottom line - I have to count down the days of the week until I can see my son and daughter for < parenting time >. After that, what else matters? And sometimes I see people fighting over plates and dressers? Are you serious?

Bransboys