Used and Thrown Aside

[packmann66]

I have been married for nearly 10years and have two children. During this time, my wife has rarely worked and I supported all of us as she attended college for six of those years. She recently graduated with her Masters and has a good job. Now I rarely see her as I work my butt off, come home and take care of the home and children as she is out enjoying her new career.But I was ok with it.
She came home at 4am the other night and says she went out with friends from work, two of whom are guys. She couldn't drive so she sat in the bar's parking lot supposedly. I was angry, but still ok I guess.
The day after she told me she's not sure she loves me and she's thinking of divorce.She's been cordial and nice to me all week while she "works out her feelings", but I can't stand life right now.Am I supposed to wait until she makes the next move?I can hardly bear to look at her or the kids without breaking down.

[Pete]

You need to read the LIST which is found in the reference section of this forum.

This is going to be difficult, but you must be able to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If she is effectively leaving you to be the primary caregiver to the kids, you need to start documenting this.

One important step is to immediately begin a written journal on a daily basis, and you will want to record all child related interaction, school notes, and conversations you and your wife have.

You want to review the recording phone calls information posted by No Mad in the reference section of this forum.

It sucks, to be sure, but if you are not prepared for worst, while hoping for the best, you will get landslided. Read the list and other references and come back with more questions as to how best to proceed.

Also review the 11 worst mistakes you can make when facing the possibility of divorce. Unfortunately, most of the advice you get will be to this regard...protecting yourself and your rights, and your kids' best interests.

Hopefully, this will work out for you, and you do not have to go through the personal hell many of us have. Consider marriage counseling if she will go for it, but quite simply--be prepared.

My ex started staying out late with freinds from work as well. Every night it became a 'night out; with her friends from work. The writing was on the wall...we had just closed on a house the same week and she was NEVER home before 6 AM. She was so shocked when I left a note on her windsheild which was parked in front of her new boyfriends house, she couldn't believe I did not trust her enough to believe her BS stories night after night.

The writing on the wall says this to you: You are about to be single--like it or not, and you better be prepared or your kids will suffer.

Good luck

[Hosea_2004]

I hate to bring this up, but it sounds to me like your wife may be having an affair. DO NOT DESPAIR, there is till hope if you want to save your marriage & make it stronger. I recommend you go to www.marriagebuilders.com at this site you can find a wealth of info to use to try to save your marriage, also check out the forum, most notably the "General Questions II" section of the discussion forum. there are great folks there that can help you.

I am trying to both save my marriage, & protect my kids, I wish you all the best, and am sorry you are going through this.

[cmed1967]

Rarely will the woman ever come back to reality. Once she's tasted the "single life", it's typical that she'll cling to it, and push for divorce.

I know, because I lived that life myself through 8 years of marriage <14 years together total>. The first time we separated in 2000, she went wild. She ended up realizing she couldn't make it alone, so she came back to me saying she wanted to make the marriage work, etc etc. Well, once April of 2004 came around, and I had to go out of town for business, the bug resurfaced and again, she enjoyed a taste of the world and again went back to pushing for divorce. She broke all the promises to me she'd made when we got back together the first time.

Best advice I can give? Get out of the marriage while you still can. Once women get out and "explore", it's usually to late. Even God himself could not save my marriage, because it takes two to work on it. I was the only one that cared enough in the beginning to even try.

Best of luck to you!
C.

[kahuna]

She's having an affair. Face it and deal with it. If you are the type of guy who is willing to continue in a marriage while she is out doing another guy, go to counseling. If it were me, I'd show her the door and go to war to protect my kids. Prepare them to face Hell....it's coming.

[packmann66]

Thanks for the advice. I was wondering if I do leave first, will I be at a disadvantage in the eyes of the courts as far as my kids are concerned? I have a feeling that she wants me to make the first move. It's a very strange situation. She is being polite to me, but she has totally cut me off intimately.I almost feel like she is doing everything necessary to "look good" to everyone.

[Bob]

Yes, you'll be at a disadvantage if you move out. If you read The List, you'll see that moving out is the first move of weakness and defeat.

Ask yourself why you would think you have to move out? You've given no indication that you've done anything wrong. Stay put. Maybe it's time for her to leave.

Call a marriage counselor and do as Ronnie Reagan always did with the Commies: Trust, but verify.

You're in for a rough couple of months, pac. Remember that most people here have been through the same or worse. We're here.

And assume that she can read all of your emails to this site while she's still in the house.